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I Was Straight Until I Met Her -- Now I Don't Know Who I Am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by msmst, Nov 18, 2015.

  1. msmst

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    Hi everyone,

    I just found this community today and I'm so happy to perhaps receive some advice. I've been floundering for a little bit now.

    I'm 28 years old and have only been attracted to men my whole life. I've had four long term boyfriends that have all lasted 2+ years. I've never been interested in women beyond friendship.

    I had a bad break-up at the end of 2013 and have been single ever since.

    In January of this year, while on a date with a guy, we got a ride home from his friend. The friend and her friend (two girls) sat in the front seats-- one of whom was the most beautiful person I had ever seen-- we will call her G. As we started driving, the girls started making out and I was jealous that my date would find them both as attractive as I did. I loved the music G was playing so she added me on her Spotify.

    After that, I saw her everywhere in our city. We started hanging out about 2 times a week. It was a whirlwind of a connection. Her spirit was intoxicating. She was a free, rebellious and childlike half-masculine/half-feminine person who was extremely charming and a unique thinker. I had found out, via the first night that we met, that she was a lesbian. She was extremely drawn to me and I felt like she "saw me." She invited me to concerts, bought me drinks, stayed up with me until late into the night and introduced me to all of her friends.

    The first time we had any physical contact was in May. Slowly we began becoming more physical until we began sleeping with each other. It was slow and beautiful but I told myself I still needed to see men as well. She was still seeing other women too and sometimes I'd even go out with them. She would always give me more attention than she gave them though-- almost to the point that it felt awkward. I always felt jealous when she had another girl around but I hid it. I started to become completely uninterested in any man I was even remotely seeing.

    I used to cry when I thought about not being with her and I would think about her all the time. I couldn't wrap my head around having a changed identity, however. I couldn't imagine having to tell everyone I knew and become a new person. It felt like something I never dreamed of or planned for-- it didn't fit into my "plan for myself." I went through so much confusion over this.

    G came home to my parent's with me for my sister's birthday (she also knew my sister). When we shared a room together that night, nothing physical really happened beyond kissing- although she tried. I realize now I was flip-flopping a lot between treating her as a friend (the only way I knew how to treat a woman) and treating her as someone I was dating.

    Two weeks after being at my parents', she sent me an email saying she felt she was ready to be monogamous with someone and didn't think it could be me because I wasn't "in all the way." Soon thereafter, she began monogamously dating a girl who identifies as a lesbian.

    When she told me, I was crushed, and myself held back from crying. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be with her but felt it was selfish because I didn't yet know how to be with her. I was afraid if we were together then I would meet a man I was drawn to more (what I was used to) and no longer want to be together.

    After that, I focused on my work and found myself in NYC. We didn't see each other again for a few weeks. The first night we hung out, she complained about her girlfriend and we had drinks. The crazy attraction and communication was still there and we ended up sleeping with each other.

    The next time we hung out, she tried again and I told her I couldn't because she had a girlfriend-- to which she replied "It's not serious." (they are monogamously dating).

    The last time I saw her--last week, we ended up sleeping with each other again after an amazing night out. It was super intense and I felt super connected.

    I feel like I'm in such a predicament and I don't know what to do. I didn't commit fully originally because I needed time to figure out my identity. Now I'm not even attracted to men anymore. I'm not sure if it's just a phase or if my self-identity has completely flipped.
    At this point, she's the only person I want to be with and she has told me she likes me the most but she has a girlfriend and she trusts their relationship more because neither one identifies as straight.

    I'm not sure if I should adjust my identity to make room for this new side of myself and then try again with her or if I should just move on without changing my identity until another strong attraction happens.

    Any advice anyone has would be so very appreciated <3
     
  2. Distant Echo

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    Ok. You are not straight and it sounds like you are not bi. Is she worth saying you are lesbian?

    Only you know the connection you have. How much do you want to be with her?

    And yes, it only takes one person to change everything.
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    First, you're super not alone in this, as I'm sure you've seen on these forums. And if you haven't, just go take a browse! Especially in the LGBT Late in Life section. Go look at my posts. I had my realization at 25. Second, many on here would be jealous to know you went all the way with your trigger crush - I know I am!

    I was always attracted to men, still am sometimes, and never consciously thought twice about women. My trigger crush sounds like yours - androgynous femme and all shiny. There's a few things I guess I'd say:

    You seem to really like this person, maybe even love, but won't let yourself go completely because you're worried you'll meet the right guy. Do you think this is more you being afraid to admit you're at least bisexual, because like you said, you feel you'd have to change your whole identity?

    I once read somewhere on this site some really great thing about waiting for the right guy. Unfortunately I can't remember it, but it had something to do with that being a superficial hope that you're not gay, or that someone who is doing that is perhaps just trying to be a societal norm, or think they'll find the right guy, as if there is one, because how could you possibly like a girl? I know that's super gumbled and doesn't make sense, but hopefully you can make something out of it lol.

    I would say that, though you certainly could be attracted and into just this one person, you sleep with her, as in have sex, and enjoy it. To me, being bi is enjoying sex with both a male and female. So, perhaps you are bi. I'm going through something similar, even though I never got to have sex with my trigger crush :slight_smile:bang:slight_smile:, ever since I was awoken to that type of attraction to a female, I've had a hard time looking back. I still find men attractive, and think I'd enjoy having sex with one, but I've realized that I might just find men sexually attractive, while I find the connection with women and the sexual attraction with the right person to be more intense than anything else I've ever felt.

    It took me quite some time. I'm even still in the process. But it might be a good idea for you to take a break from being with her, especially sexually, and figure out what you're feeling. Look back and see if you've got any indication of ever liking females or being attracted to them in the past. As time has gone on, I've found many not-straight moments in my life, even from being young, as in liking to kiss certain friends who were girls over guys. Self analyze. And don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Know that you wouldn't need to take on a whole new identity. You're still you. You might be bi. Maybe you're straight. Maybe you're a lesbian. Just follow your heart and your happiness. And the EC community is always here for you.

    And I know how hard this questioning phase is. So really, be kind to yourself (*hug*)
     
  4. scouse

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    At some point in the whole is this a phase type thing, you have to just be brave and take the jump into what it is you want at that moment. Indecision is a ball breaker, I've been there and it will have you going in very frustrating circles. The best advice I could give you is to take control and give yourself permission to go after what excites you, what makes you feel good, what sets you on fire. If it doesn't work, then at least you tried. Given the connection you two appear to have together, I do wonder if you let this woman slip away, could you end up regretting not giving it a chance.
     
  5. QBear

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    I totally agree with scouse!

    From what you are reporting, it sounds like you really love, connect with, and have great sex with this woman. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter what you identify as - when you find a love like this, you need to grab onto it with both hands and not let go! Such things don't come around often. If you don't, you are likely to regret it for the rest of your life.

    So my advice is commit to her, and you can work out whether your bisexual or lesbian later on.

    I'm a guy, and I once fell pretty hard for a very handsome and wonderful gay man, and he liked me back. But I was too scared to grab onto it because I was scared about coming out (and had a dysfunctional relationship with a woman at the time) - and so I pulled back and he ended up moving away and getting a different boyfriend. And I still regret it to this day.

    It was good, though, in that it helped me realize that I am in fact bisexual. But I really wish I had been fearless enough to just run with it.

    Don't make the same mistake I did.
     
  6. Origamidragons

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    It sounds like you love her a lot and she loves you back. That's so valuable and rare, please don't lose it or give it up because you doubt yourself. It's cliche, but seriously, just follow your heart <3
     
  7. msmst

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    Wow, seriously, from the bottom of my heart-- thank you everyone for posting! (*hug*)

    I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this except my two straight best friends who have tried to be super supportive but don't understand a word I am saying. It's been so confusing keeping this inside.

    I think you're right- I'm in love with this girl.

    When I've been with her, colors seem more vibrant and everything slows down. I feel young again.

    It's so sad to deny this because of labels.

    I'm afraid I've already lost her-- however. She still has a girlfriend, despite what has happened between us these past three months. She said she wants to visit me in NYC while I'm here but we haven't made set plans yet. I'm debating writing her an email just to say how I'm feeling but don't want to disrespect her relationship.

    Fingers crossed that it's salvageable.

    Thank you thank you.

    <3
     
  8. AngryMomo

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    loving i woman doesn´t change who you are at all; unfortunately it changes your social status and places you as part of a discriminated minority and that´s what it´s holding you back. Honestly: quite understandable! it´s hard and terrifying and something difficult to go trough. Why haven´t you find professional help yet? It honors you how you were honest with her and yourself and accepted you couldn´t be with her but... next step: accept your feelings and fight for yourself and your happiness. it´s time to be brave, you own it to yourself: find help, work hard to overcome your fears and insecurities. If she were a man you would´t have any doubt about the whole thing, even though couples break up on daily bases for all kinds of reasons.... . Tell her you are sure you are in love with her but you don´t know if a lesbian relationship is going to work for you as an heterosexual one because you´ve never been there before. Tell her "coming out" terrifies you and you´ll need time and help to overcome all the obstacles that will cross your path, but you are willing to try for her.
    One last piece of advice: whether you finally get together or no, walk that path till the end. Its part of who you are and you should be accepted and loved fully by those who share your life and care about you
     
  9. PlaidGlove

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    You don't want to disrespect her relationship, but you already slept together? Unless I've completely missed something about her being in an open relationship, both she and you have already disrespected her relationship.

    I do not advise you to cross your fingers that what you two have is salvageable. I would advise you to run. The next one down the line that she's going to disrespect her relationship to, is you, and in a certain way, she already has.
     
    #9 PlaidGlove, Nov 22, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2015