I'm with my boyfriend now for over a year and I'm really happy with him, but lately I;ve been feeling weird about my sexuality. I've never really felt sexual attraction I think. I'm just not attracted to people much, but when I am attracted both romantically sexually/aesthetically (not sure which?) its always been men. I was instantly attracted to my boyfriend when I met him and he's the only person I've ever desired to have sex with. But, I can't get pleasure through penetration, so I don't like actual sex that much, but I like doing other stuff with my boyfriend, more to pleasure him though as I don't have much of a sex drive. But recently I've been having some confusing feelings. I can't stop looking at female celebrities. I never looked at women in real life but I've noticed recently that I like looking at women's bums, its not even really sexual, its just like looking at a nice painting. But I just like the way women look more than men, but only in pictures, not in real life, and only celebrities. I can't tell if it's sexual. I am romantically attracted to men. I love the way my boyfriend looks, probably as much as I can since my sexuality is almost non-existent anyway (even though the way my boyfriend kisses me and touches me turns me on sometimes and I enjoy sex with him). He gives me butterflies and is amazing and I don't want my sexuality to ruin our relationship because I think that, even if I did pursue women (which I can't see happening since I've only ever felt platonic connections with women) I don't think it'd do anything for my sex drive. I have very bad anxiety and depression which has gotten rid of any sex drive I had, and every woman in a movie or on instagram that I think looks good (not even sexually necessarily) my anxiety causes me to completely freak out and think I'm gay, but I just love my boyfriend so much I want this feeling to go away. I've dabbled with labels like bisexual, asexual and graysexual, but nothing seems to fit. Any ideas?
I'd say it's normal to find celebtrities pretty. I'm lesbian and I can look at a male celebrity and say wow he's hot, with no more meaning too it. If you've never had romantic/sexual feelings towards women, you're probably not gay. You seem really in love with your boyfriend, so don't stress over it so much.
First of, only about 10% of women can orgasm with penetration and like it or feel pleasure so you're not alone on this. It has more to do with what you like than being a lesbian. With what you said, it sounds to me like you're stressing too much from over thinking. There's nothing wrong with finding people of the same sex attractive. Some people are just good looking, doesn't mean you have to label yourself a lesbian just because of it. You're straight, so relax. Even I've found some male celebrities attractive. I always did say I'd go gay for Adam Levine haha but my heart and sexual attraction is with women. I can't see myself with a guy.
When you consider how you feel about female celebrities, would you say it's attraction or admiration? There is a difference and it's interesting that you don't get the same feeling/s for women in real life. Anxiety, depression and mental health issues in general can kill your libido and lead to some very confused and conflicted feelings about sex and sexuality. If you are taking medication, that can also have an dampening effect on your sex drive. It's important to bear all of this in mind and try to remain positive and focused when the doubt and panic starts to creep in. You are not the first person (and you will certainly not be the last) who has started to question their sexuality or ability to love and enjoy sex when they are struggling with their emotional wellbeing. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your boyfreind, so keep working at it and keep working towards getting better. It's the best way forward.
well, i felt quite like you years ago. Sex was not satisfactory with my boyfriend and made me think there was something wrong with me. i begun noticing some actress and, i know now, developed a crush on one in particular every once in a while. i didn´t think much about me being bisexual or a lesbian because i didn´t feel that way for a woman in real life, but while feeling happy in my relationship, the idea of "being" with one of those actress was recurrent in my fantasies, in fact after a while it kind of made me sad realizing that being with my boyfriend (cause i wanted to be with him forever) meant that fantasy was never going to happen. I moved to a big city a few years later (being single at the time) and, when that feelings reappear again, knowing nobody would know if i didn´t want to and consequences were close to none if it turned out to be a big mistake, gave me strength to "try" that weird desires and enter a lesbian chat. the rest is history..... nowadays i realize i didn´t enjoy sex with a man because i didn´t know my body and what it wanted and liked; being with a woman lacked the pressure i felt with a man and got time to enjoy it at my own pace; i am sure that now i could enjoy sex with a man much more than i did then. anyway, that minimal sexual impulse i had when i kissed them pales in comparison with what i feel for a woman. That said, you are happy now in that relationship, the time will come naturally to explore that new aspect of your sexuality if it really reveals itself to be important enough to pay attention to. It seems to me that it is already important enough cause you feel disturbed by it and put your relationship on the edge already. I knew it was something important from the very first moment but was´t ready to acknowledge it..... i think you know it now too.... or maybe it´s me talking biased by that younger me that has seen herself described in your conflicted words. be gentle with yourself and let yourself grow in due time
That's the thing though, I don't have fantasies about being with women or even actresses. I've never had a crush on a woman in real life. It's literally that I enjoy looking at women but I don't think it's sexual. I just can't tell what is sexual with me because everything is so dampened, and I can't ever imagine myself letting anything happen with a woman, just because I don't think I'd feel anything sexual. Do you think it's possible for there to be a slight attraction to women, but to still be on the asexual end of the scale? I have no desires to experiment with women, I just don't know what the strange feeling is when I see them sometimes, but I never have a desire to touch or act on it, and I've had these feelings for men in the past but now all other men just seem gross because they're not my boyfriend and I only want to be with him. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 02:50 PM ---------- I think it's more admiration, maybe slight attraction? I honestly don't think I know what proper attraction feels like. This may be tmi, but sometimes I get a strange feeling down there, but it doesnt come with any desires, and when I'm having an anxious thought I can kind of will it to happen. Like if I look at a woman (again never in real life) I sometimes get a weird pulsation down there, but I think that's mostly because I'm so anxious about feeling anything that my brain makes it up, like if I focus on it when not thinking/looking at anything, my anxiety spikes and I feel something, because I'm so stressed and my blood rate goes high. Because its so tied up in my emotional wellbeing I can't tell what's real and whats not, but I've never had the desire to be with a woman. Is it possible that the fear of this is becoming an obsessive thought and I'm catostrophising? ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2015 at 02:54 PM ---------- Thanks for the info, that's really reassuring me. I don't have any desire to go with it, it's just like looking at a work of art to me. I have not much sexual drive, and I've only ever felt sexually attracted to my boyfriend, maybe slightly attracted to random men but never wanted/desired to do anything, same with women online in these sexualised photos (I don't seek these photos, they just pop up on my instagram and I have no desire to stare or seek them out). Do you think it's possible that I'm more asexual? I'm just so confused and my boyfriend makes me so happy, I don't want this to mess us up.
I'm starting to think that I'm demisexual or bisexual. These seem to fit me best, and mostly in my life I've thought about labels such as demi, bi and ace, when I've been younger and confused. I find body parts on people aesthetically pleasing but I'm pretty sure it's not arousal. I feel like I could maybe be attracted to anyone in a sensual/sexual(ish) (I have an extremely low libido, always have, especially now because I'm going through depression and anxiety, and I'm on antidepressants, but never really experienced arousal before that. TMI, but the only times I've ever felt truly aroused are when my boyfriend kissed me for the first time (and sometimes now, plus doing stuff with him makes me aroused), and for some reason if I'm in a time crunch, like if I don't have long left on an exam and I'm panicking about finishing. STRANGE I know, but still, it's me). I think I'm mislabelling my aesthetic attractions to women as sexual. I don't think I could be sexual with anyone, and have no desire to, unless I'm emotionally connected to them, and even then it's more about the intimacy and the physical pleasure than it is the body. I think I could be with either, and I used to think I liked the idea of lesbian sex but I think that's mostly because, from what I understand, that involves pressure in the only place I feel physical pleasure, and I think that's it, not because it's a woman. Plus I love touching my boyfriend, like hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging, I'm not turned off by his body at all, and I love being more than a friend with him. He's my best friend too, but what I feel for him is not platonic. It's romantic, sensual and sometimes sexual, if my libido will allow. Plus, he turns me on by kissing me and touching me even just on my back or waist or anything, or even by looking at me a certain way, but I rarely desire sex, which I think I pegged as a lack of attraction, when it's really a lack of sex drive. I enjoy looking at both men and women but it doesn't lead to desire (eg with celebrities, I LOVE watching exo-k videos because I am just obsessed with D.O, and I may even be attracted to him I think. Same watching Natalie Dormer in the Hunger Games, but neither come with desire (maybe D.O. does a bit, but I have fantasised about being his girlfriend so that may lean towards my demi side?). I have had crushes and butterflies with men, but not with women. But I think I could, just only if I were emotionally connected with them, and even my closest female friends I've never considered romantically. Considering all of these things, do you think it's possible I'm bi or demi? These seem to sit best with me, and considering demi, I feel kind of peaceful.
I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread but I'm getting torn up inside. I try to imagine myself with men and women and nothing seems right. I'm so depressed. I love my boyfriend I just don't know where the attraction has gone. I'm so exhausted I'm honestly considering suicide, I hate myself for being so confused. My depression and anxiety are playing up so bad over this I don't know what's real and what isnt and I honestly can't do this much longer.
(*hug*) It's ok. Everything is going to be fine. Take a deep breath. Please don't kill yourself. I know it might seem like nothing will ever get better but it will, I promise. I know that sounds cliché, but it's true. You don't need to figure out your sexuality yet. It's ok to not feel sexual attraction. You seem to be romantically attracted to your boyfriend, and that's ok. Don't worry about it so much. If you want to talk more, feel free to message me (*hug*)
Flowers, honey, it sounds like you may need to step back for a breath of air. instead of looking at what you don't know look at what you do. I'm not saying forget about trying to figure other stuff out, but step back and breath a little and think about the things in your life that you do know. who you love and why (not talking sexual attraction.. love family, friends, boy or girl, and think about why you love each of them, and more importantly why each of them love you. I know that life would possibly be easier if you can put a label on yourself and everything you do, but... I have a feeling that you will find, like lots of others, that while determining your sexuality may bring you relief, it will also raise its own fair share of struggles. In life we are always either preparing to go into a battle, in a battle or just coming out of a battle... it sounds rough, but when you think about it.. the struggles are where we can grow the most. You can do it. you can find the strength you need to step back and just breath some fresh air for a little while. I realize all this sounds sort of trite, but its also true... you will be surprised how much better you feel after you spend a little while thinking about how and who you love the people you love. hang in there... there are caring people. *hugs*
@YinYang Thank you so much for just taking the time to respond. I think I was panicking over being gay (not that I'm against it, I just love my boyfriend too much and don't think I could be with a woman), but I think I've honestly never felt true sexual attraction, and I didn't want to admit it because being gay and wanting sex would, to me, make me more lovable and easy to be with, and I don't want my boyfriend to break up with me because I'm not a sexual person. I'm certain he won't, I just know it's a lot to ask of a heterosexual person. When you said "It's ok not to feel sexual attraction" I think that's what I really needed to hear. @SammyTan, I think what you said is so smart and relatable to me. I think I really do need to take a step back and evaluate who is in my life and why I love them. I love my boyfriend in a romantic way, and girls I'm close to in a platonic way. I've only ever felt platonically about girls. My admiration was being catostrophisised in my mind as attraction, when I really don't think it is, and I think your advice of looking at who I have really made me feel better about the way I feel about people in general. Thank you so much. It'll still be a battle, but I think I can refer to this way of thinking as a way to calm me when I need it. Thank you!
It is very confusing, but you don't really need a label. If you find men attractive, and women attractive but in different ways, that cool. There are so many sexualities and they are confusing, but don't stress over labeling yourself. I'm only into girls, but I can find a guy good looking. It its okay to admire your own sex/gender. You don't need to stress over labeling yourself.
I don't even know what I find attractive though. Like I just don't desire sex with people or find anyone 'sexually' attractive. But when a (sexual) picture of a naked woman pops up eg on tumblr or something, I get a crazy response. It's not desire, more like intense fear. I go cold, I start shaking, I can't breathe, my heart beats to fast and I feel the need to just get as far away as possible. I've seen my friends in their bra and been around them in my underwear, and it hasn't given the same reaction. I'm just unaffected by it, it makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I'd be the same in a room with men in the same state of dress. Is this asexuality? I just get so terrified when I see (pornographic) pictures of naked women, and I don't seek them out. I just don't understand what's going on with me. ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2015 at 01:31 PM ---------- Also, totally forgot to say thanks for responding @xemtwistedx, but yeah thank you, just having someone normalise what I'm going through is so calming when it seems so crazy to me.
