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Dating a bi-curious guy...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 2biornot, Nov 21, 2015.

  1. 2biornot

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    I'm a woman who is considering dating a bicurious guy, but i'm not sure if I should invest in the potential of us having anything long term. For one, I'm monogamous in relationships, although I don't see a problem with couples who aren't, as long as they're honest with each other about it. It's just not for me, I don't like to share. He was previously in a ffm poly relationship, but says he prefers monogamy.

    The guy seems compatible in all other areas, but him being bicurious and having a poly history make me lean toward wanting to approach our relationship very casually, not seriously. Meaning it feels safer to leave the deepest emotions out of it. I experimented a couple of times many years ago with women and decided I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I definitely prefer men, and have zero desire to be with a woman again. But at least I satisfied the curiosity, and feel secure in what I like and prefer now.

    If he's never tried it, I feel like he's probably not in a place to know himself and what he really wants (or what he can commit to) yet. Since he is still at the curious stage, I genuinely don't want to stifle his curiousity, or make him feel like he is sacrificing exploring his true sexual nature to be with me. Or worse, to feel like he would need to cheat. I think it's awful to risk exposing your partner to std's from outside partners without their consent, in addition to ruining trust by violating your agreement of monogamy. I have a couple of gay male friends who tell me there are so many married/attached guys that cheat on the side, rather just being in poly relationship, and I'd rather avoid it happening to me. Of course orientation doesn't make one a cheater, but I understand that stigma can make it harder for some to feel comfortable being totally transparent.

    I'd love to hear perspectives from those who are, or use to, consider themselves curious. Also, if you have dated someone in the curious stage, how did/do the two of you manage their desire to 'potentially' explore?
     
    #1 2biornot, Nov 21, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  2. SonicBoom

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    Hi welcome to EC.

    I can understand your reservation with your current boyfriend.

    In the most gentle way possible, there is ALWAYS the potential for ANYONE of any orientation to cheat. It is estimated that between 30 - 60% of all married people cheat. Since most people are completely heterosexual, it safe to say that most married people who end up cheating are heterosexual.

    The desire and ability to cheat just depends on the individual.

    Some people will cheat under ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Some people never cheat UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Hope that helped
     
  3. 2biornot

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    The fact that he has not yet explored his curiosity is most concerning to me at this point, because with me being monogamous, I wouldn't be okay with him having sex with anyone (regardless of gender) outside of the relationship.

    I'm not sure that's a healthy recipe when I desire a long term monogamous relationship, where we are able to satisfy each other's needs. I cannot satisfy his curiosity to experience men, and I don't know if I should invest on the same level as with someone who has already explored enough to know (not wonder) what they prefer.
     
    #3 2biornot, Nov 21, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  4. SonicBoom

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  5. Neon

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    Well, why don't you have a serious talk with him and make sure you both understand where you will take the relationship. Also, be direct and tell him that if he wants to explore his sexuality, to go do so instead of getting into something serious with you.

    In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with your fear, but the most effective tool to avoid a problem is talking to him about it.
     
  6. baddech

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    In my opinion you are every bit wasting your time with him until he is no longer curious. You should let him go out and explore his curiousity.

    If the "what-if I'm gay" cloud is hanging over the relationship, you both would be better off realizing the imminent storm. You cannot be in a fulfilling monogomas heterosexual relationship with someone who is questioning their sexuality. Someone will get hurt. He isn't relationship material because he doesn't know what he wants. You are not even in the same juncture in life. You're passed bi-curiousity and he's just getting there. Good luck to you both!
     
  7. Confuseddude

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    What if the two people in question are soulmates, meant to be together, perfectly compatible. It wouldn't necessarily be immediately obvious if that was the case, it might take time to discover. Would you say that there was no point in the two people pursuing a relationship because one of them was questioning their sexuality at the time they first met?

    I agree the circumstances are not ideal. My advice? Approach with caution but there is absolutely no reason to dismiss the idea completely. The guy isn't gay - he's questioning his sexuality. There are so many different possible answers to that question.
     
  8. QBear

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    Although I think dabbach is being a little over dramatic, I do tend to agree that he probably isn't ready to commit to exclusive monogamy until he has explored his curiosity more.

    So, I think you have two options:
    1) Keep it light, and don't get too involved (either staying friends or being non-exclusive friends with benefits) while encouraging him to explore his curiosity.
    OR, if you can't handle that,
    2) End it with him, and encourage him to explore his curiosity.

    The first option is preferable, to the extent that you can handle it, in that it allows for the possibility of his exploring and you circling back in the future if he experiments and figures out that he's really straight or that he's bisexual, but doesn't need both genders concurrently.
    The second option nukes that possibility.

    The problem here isn't that he's potentially bisexual, its that he doesn't have a full enough understanding of his sexuality to be able to make a monogamous commitment to anyone just yet. He needs to get his shit together and go explore already (safely).

    There are plenty of bisexual guys that are capable of monogamy. But they need to be experienced and/or self aware enough to know that about themselves.

    I say this all from a place of experience. I got together with my ex-wife during a time of great bi-curiosity, and she demanded a monogamous commitment, which I reluctantly agreed to, despite my misgivings, because I was very in love with her. Eventually, though, I grew to resent her insistence on monogamy, and it hurt our relationship. Ultimately, there were much larger communications problems that led to the end of our marriage, but friction over my nascent bisexuality didn't help any.

    After we broke up, I did some more experimenting. Now, I know what I want, and am able to make commitments that I can keep. But I needed to try some things first.

    I hope this helps.
     
    #8 QBear, Dec 6, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015