Hi everyone, I'm brand-new to this whole forum thing so forgive me if there are a thousand other threads like this one, I just wanted to reach out and get some advice and help about self acceptance because I'm really struggling with it at the minute. I'm a 27yr old guy. Currently I have a boyfriend who has been a friend for over 7 years. We've been together on and off for around 2 years maybe. The reason for the (very) on and off nature is that I can't seem to accept my feelings for him, or at least I find it very confusing to determine what attraction and love are at the moment which obviously has an impact on the relationship. I find myself becoming incredibly anxious when I think about the relationship and what it means going forward and to my own 'values'. I feel like I'm homophobic. Its a really strange dichotomy. I sometimes find it awkward to look at gay couples and feel like looking away, or if I check out a guy I almost punish myself inside. Even writing the phrase 'check out a guy' makes me slightly uncomfortable. I also find myself defining my attraction to people as 'well they turn me on so it must be an attraction' which I don't think is entirely healthy. I grew up in the Irish countryside to a family who are very Christian and who are very clear about their feelings towards gay people. And those are that it is wrong and something disgusting which can be mocked. They are aware that I hold many different and more liberal views than they do, but I don't think they have an inkling that I might one day end up with a guy. That's a hurdle I am nowhere near ready to cross yet. Up until the age of 25 I really had no significant interest or experiences with same-sex partners. I had several fairly significant relationships with women before that point, but none of them worked out. The problem has never be sexual for me, its always been emotional, I always become detached and have difficulty getting in touch with how I feel and become bored and frustrated. I tend to get apathetic and then cut and run. My first gay experience was with a close colleague I'd known and worked with for a short time. I'd spent a lot of time with him and he told me he was bisexual. I like to think of myself as fairly open minded and liberal and when an opportunity presented itself, my curiosity got involved and I kissed him. I still can't really define why I did that. I can only put it down to being curious. We ended up spending a night together, and while there wasn't full on sex involved there was certainly a lot of sexual activity, which concerned me a lot less than I thought it would. That 'relationship' actually ended really badly after a couple of weeks because a girl who I was very close to showed an interest in me and I was off like a shot in pursuit of that, leaving this poor guy in the dirt with the knowledge of what I'd done. I am in no way proud of that. I dislike the actions I took immensely and feel terribly guilty about them. I then started a relationship with this girl which lasted for 8/9 months. I was open with her about my experience with this guy and she was great, she didn't have a problem with it at all. However, as we progressed in our relationship I started to become more and more uncomfortable with it, maybe because of my guilt, maybe because I hadn't resolved something in my mind, I can't tell in retrospect. It was incredibly confusing. And I wanted so badly not to let her down that I tried and tried to make it work but I was too wrapped up in my own anxieties. I was in a pretty bad way mentally and had been to see doctors because I was having thoughts of suicide. One told me I was just having some issues with insecurity, another put me straight on anti-depressants without telling me what they were or why he was giving me them. Which sucked. I got of them pretty much as soon as I could because I knew that wasn't the answer for me. This was also around the time my current boyfriend and I got involved. We had known each other for a long time and actually lived together at the time. We got together drunkenly one night while I was still having issues in my relationship with the same girl, so after that happened I quickly ended the relationship because I thought I might be gay or at least was focussed enough elsewhere to not want to maintain that relationship. We messed around for a while and kind of had an open thing going on periodically, where I was seeing both girls and guys. I then moved home for a few months to get some space but we kept in touch, and I eventually moved back near to where he was. Which is when we officially got together. And then the anxiety started. My boyfriend is so secure in who he is and what he wants and I just feel all at sea to be honest. I have real difficulty explaining how this feels to him. Its so confusing. He tries to understand but it feels to me like he just puts pressure on me to figure it out and accept myself. Sometimes I feel stupid and cowardly for not just being able to be proud of who I am. I wish this was simple. But I feel guilty for being with him, and I also feel like I'm dragging him though this endless roller-coaster where I continuously hurt him by being so changeable in mood, and by having this anxiety which just clouds everything I feel and blankets it in this sheer panic which means I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I think I just don't want to be with him, and there are times when hes standing in front of and says 'I love you' and I reply with the same and it feels hollow. Which is horrible and I feel so guilty about, but I just cant bear to hurt him. This has turned into a total rant, sorry for that, but if anyone has made it through and has any thoughts, they would be really appreciated. I'm pretty introverted at least in this way, so this is the only way I feel I can reach out. Thanks
