and he's messing everything up. I was comfortable as a lesbian. I fit comfortably into that little box, and everything was fine. And then this guitar-playing, charming, adorable guy with melty brown eyes showed up, and I don't know what I am anymore. We were just friends. One day we were talking, then he looked at me, and I felt something. Then we spent Thanksgiving together, and we cuddled for a good portion of the day. He flirted a lot. I flirted back. He really likes me. And I really like him, but I don't know how far I can go with him. Quite frankly, penises scare me, as does men's body hair, and he has both. But I definitely like him. I like talking to him, I like cuddling with him, and I think I would enjoy kissing him. I might even enjoy more than that (I definitely felt something decidedly not homosexual when we were cuddling), but I don't know and I'm very hesitant. I know that you can be romantically and sensually attracted to someone without being sexually attracted. I also can count the number of sexual/ sensual experiences I've had involving another person on no hands. Can someone give some advice? Has anyone felt this way before? I really care about him. I would like to be with him if possible, but I don't want to hurt him if it turns out that I don't want to take it all the way. Also, I've been out as a lesbian since I was 14. I feel like I'm trapped in a maze. I leave a closet just to enter another closet. UGH. Anyway, thanks in advance for any advice.
Hmmm...you don't actually give us much information about yourself and why this is so bothersome. So here are three responses; read only as far as you're prepared to read: The Shallow Response: Well, y'know, some people (some of the best in fact *wink*) are bisexual...you could be too. He sounds great (I'd date the person you describe!)...why not go as far as you're comfortable? Listen to your body and go from there. You have nothing to lose, really, and information and self-understanding to gain! The Somewhat Deeper Response: You say you know a person can be romantically and sensually attracted to someone without being sexually attracted. The real question is whether you *are* in fact sexually attracted. It's not like that has to completely blow the lid off your identity...presumably, you still dig chicks, right? If you find on serious introspection that you are *not* sexually attracted to him, you can still talk to him, even cuddle with him...although I'd definitely make sure he knows *exactly* where he stands with you before cuddling or kissing. But it's also possible that kissing him might clarify for you where you stand on sexual attraction. If you decide to move in the direction of sexual exploration with him, then if he's worth a damn, you should be able to explain your background (somehow I'm assuming he already knows you identify as a lesbian) and he'll be understanding and be willing to move slowly...and gently. The Potentially Off the Deep End Response: So I'm trying to build a picture of why this is troubling to you, particularly as it doesn't sound like you're currently seeing anyone. And what I'm putting together is that you've never been with anyone else...possibly not even been attracted to anyone else; but you've identified as a lesbian since you were 14, and that has been comfortable. Afraid of penises and body hair. Is there any chance that you are in fact afraid of sex generally? I'm wondering if you may have identified as a lesbian not so much in order to date women, but in order to avoid dating men? In order to avoid dating generally? These are not meant as accusations...I'm not assuming any of it is true...just curious (and if it does happen to be true, then realizing it will help you figure out where you want to go).
Hey, thanks for the thoughtful response. I know my post was a bit scattered. I've always identified as a lesbian because that made sense. Sex with women does not scare me. I've never been with anyone because I grew up homeschooled and started college at 13, so I just never had the chance. I am primarily attracted to women, I've fallen for girls in the past, and like... have you seen boobs? Wow. I'm not scared of men, their bodies just don't do it for me. It's always been girls. There is the occasional guy that I will have feelings for, but it's never as intense as with women, except for this guy. I am not sure how I feel about this guy, but I don't want to hurt him. He really cares about me. We've talked a little bit about it. He knew I identified as a lesbian from the first day he met, but I confessed to him that I think I might have some inclination towards guys, but I don't know how much. Neither one of us have actually verbalized to the other that we like each other, but it's glaringly obvious. I'm worried that because I'm so inexperienced with relationships, I'm just so tired of being alone that I'd date this guy just because of that. I'm worried that we'll get more deeply involved, but then I'll break both of our hearts by leaving because I'm not sexually attracted to him. I don't really know if I am or not. It's all very confusing. ---------- Post added 27th Nov 2015 at 09:34 PM ---------- I mean, it's not like I find any part of his physicality irresistible or even that terribly sexy.. but everything else is there. I don't know if maybe that will come with time, or if I'm just a biromantic homosexual, and this is a cruel part of my life.
Well now, there are at least two things going on then, aren't there? Taste for relationship vs. taste for men. "Adorable" and "melty brown eyes" both sound like more than romantic attraction. Staff here seem to feel that romantic and sexual attraction are not in fact separate (at least, they insist that there is no scientific backing for believing this...and I confess that I can't think of an explanation for such a separation that jives with what I understand about how the brain works, so I give this some level of credence). But I'm bisexual...so I'm not the best person to ask about whether you can think someone's eyes are melty without being into them sexually...but I can't imagine thinking that about someone I'm not sexually attracted to. Communicate with him...or communietak, if that's more natural *smile*. Voice your concerns about dating...your concerns that you may find yourself insufficiently sexually attracted...but that you like him...a lot...and wouldn't mind seeing where it can go (assuming this is true)...but that you fear where it *could* go. It sounds like you've already started this conversation (at least as far as saying you have *some* inclination toward guys, but don't know how much)...just keep the communication flowing. This doesn't have to lead to marriage or to a long term commitment, or even to a non-commitment relationship...or even to sex, for that matter...in order to be a worthwhile experiment. It's all information...and better, it's information gained while not being alone! Oh, and yes, I've seen boobs. *slightly mucky grin*
may I suggest the label homoflexible? feelings like this have always drove me crazy bc I always thought it would just be so much easier if I was just one or the other but I have found homoflexible really fits me well because I am primarily attract to women except for maybe the one in a billion special guy I have fallen in love with.
I identify as bisexual/pansexual. For me it's the person, not the gender. Some days/weeks/months I feel more attracted to men, others to women (oh and yes - their boobs are awesome!). My advice for you: talk to this guy. If you're interested in seeing what may happen as things go further, talk to him and take it slow. I think he'll understand.
I'm in the same situation as you are. What I suggest is you follow your heart. If you like him, stop labeling yourself for a while and just go with the flow, and see what happens.
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I'm just going to go with what feels right. My mother actually already found out, but she really likes him and is fine with it. I guess I'll just see what develops! I'll post an update soon
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: I say, just explore it. So maybe you won't be attracted to him sexually. Let him be ready for it by being honest, and see where it goes. Attraction is just attraction sometimes.
