I actually didn't fully learn what asexual and demisexual meant until about a year ago. It was such a relief to finally have a proof that there isn't something wrong with me, that I wasn't broken. But it's not that easy is it... Today I'm fully out as demisexual for anyone who ask, or need to know. Including my current boyfriend which is why I need to ask for advice... I've told people what I feel, but not the affect it have had on me for so many years. I've more or less dealt with being trans all my life but this? I didn't even wanna address it because it was embarrasing, and who wanna help or even listen to someone saying that they don't get aroused? I'm happy I learnt about demisexuals or that there are exceptions, that I could get one intense moment and feel like most people do. Before I thought that if I could feel it once, I was probably doing something wrong when I wasn't feeling it again? That I needed to find that way of finding that feeling. I obsessed. I went over my comfort zone and beyond so many times, trying to prove that there wasn't anything wrong with me. That I just needed that little extra thing. I've cried so many times because of it, because of course that wasn't the case. And when I did feel it I tried so hard to understand why that it often faded and I became even more deppressed. This is the first time I'm admitting this, and why I'm doing it "public" I have no idea about. But I've realized I need help, I need to talk to someone who've been through this. I need advice how to get on the other side and fully accept myself. And no I won't ask for help at a therapist for the moment since I can barely think about the topic without panicking. I know what I feel and why. But I find myself still trying to fit in society's version of sexuality. Which I'm notcing with my boyfriend because I'm trying too hard, and we haven't even been together physically at all (long distance). I'm pushing myself to be something I'm not, feel something I can't just because I have this weird obligation that I have to. And I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm confusing him so much by saying things that are lovely in my mind but terrifying if I was put in the situation irl. I don't wanna give mixed signals but I'm still a very emotional person and that sometimes goes over in me wanting to be physically close. And I'm not sure that people know my limits. I don't know where my limits are myself. I mean I'm drawn to personality rather than looks, but the latter still matters. But it's like it's only my mind that feel that, not my body. It's weird and it's making me question myself and I'm back at feeling broken again. I can't go on pushing myself down for not feeling every single day, every moment. I just can't live like that. This is so hard for me to admit especially talk about, if you knew me irl I would be the last person in the entire world you would hear admitting anything within this topic...
Hey it's good that you're talking about it on here even if it's hard to say to people you know. It's good that you're letting it out in some way. I haven't had a whole lot of dating experience myself, but I did go through a somewhat similar experience that may help you. I'm super great friends with this girl and she's liked me for a while. We started getting closer and closer. We'd always flirt and now we're even really touchy and grabby with each other. We've basically decided we're kind of in somewhat of a relationship. But something was bugging me for a long time. I didn't feel that bubbly "in love" feeling for her like I knew she felt for me. And I did in some ways and I really care about her a ton so I felt so bad not being able to give that back to her. I figured I could make myself ready for that because I really wanted to. It was like every other part of me was totally ready for a serious relationship with her except that part. I kept it to myself for so long because I didn't want to hurt her, until very recently when I let it all out to her. I cried and it was hard, but she was completely understanding and alright with it! She knew I cared about her a lot and she really liked me and if I was only ready for certain things, she was okay with that. I had felt so guilty like the lovey-dovey touchy things I was doing with her were sending the message that all of me was ready, even though I really wanted to be touchy with her. Getting it off my chest felt so amazing and I feel great now just knowing that she knows how I feel. Also, I talked about a lot of emotional issues I'd had that related to that which really helped a lot. It was hard, but I'm so glad I did and she's really happy too. We actually got so much closer and more comfortable with each other after that because it was like that little unspoken wall was gone. I even felt happier myself, just having opened up to a person like I'd never done before. I felt so relieved. Sorry for the long story, but I hope it helps because talking to your boyfriend would probably help you a lot. If he's a good boyfriend, he'll support you and help you. He wouldn't want you pressuring yourself into anything you're not ready for and he'd understand if you said things to the contrary in the past because he'd know you were doing it because you were struggling and also because you wanted to be able to give him everything he wanted. But just by being there, you're already making him a very happy person I'm sure and he'd probably feel a lot closer to you and you to him if you're honest about this instead of keeping it bottled inside. A relationship should be a happy thing, not stressful, and the only way to do that is to open yourself up about the things you're worried about. Best wishes<3
Thank you that actually helps me a lot. He is fully aware of me being demisexual, told him even before we began the relationship and he was and is ok with it. However as said I'm the one confusing him by occasionally saying things, trying to push myself in a way of proving something which I know isn't true. Still... I'm terrified that this will continue, because it makes me feel so bad but unfortunately the problem is all on me because he's 100% accepting. Hearing your story made me feel much better and I'll try and talk to him and explain more in detail how I still enjoy to be close, and that it might even looks like I'm not demisexual at times but really I am. Thank you again, too be continued...
