The past few months I've admitted to myself that I'm a lesbian and that's that. it was very hard after a long stage of denial during the beginning of high school I had sex with a lot of guys during this time (not enjoyable) I cried so much after losing my virginity because it felt wrong and I didn't know why So people, especially friends and those at school think I'm quite promiscuous and what not but the truth is that was my way of subconsciously ridding myself of my homosexual thoughts It started after my brother came out as gay, and my dad was in the car with me and started saying how he doesn't know if he will ever accept him or be able to speak about the "issue" After that conversation I thought that I must not be gay and I cannot disappoint my dad and have him another gay child. So that's when I went a bit crazy, lots of drugs, lots of stupid mistakes and things I did with men, many wanted a relationship with me but I didn't want it at all and I kept telling myself it's because I just don't like the guy or I just couldn't find myself bothered to even hang out with any of the men. But now I've accepted I'm gay (nobody knows) I think how weird it will be to never kiss or fool around with a guy again, like I have never kissed a guy and liked it - you know how when you kiss someone you like it's supposed to be fireworks and "magic", well I've never gotten that but it's weird to think if I come out as lesbian or now that I've come out to myself I can't do anything with men.... I don't know why??? I told myself a while ago that I wouldn't do anything with a guy again, no more pretending to be straight and by doing this it won't be so much of a shock when I finally come out but the other night I went out with friends got so drunk and the first thing I did when I got to this party is kiss this boy who I didn't even know or had spoken too and then I walked away and thought why did I do that?? I didn't even enjoy it and he was not attractive but it's like I'm used to doing stuff with men and because I'm not out yet I do it anyway... I don't know what is wrong with me?? I don't find guys repulsive and I enjoyed sex to an extent - never got off from it but I could never (atleast I think when I imagine) see myself being emotionally with a man it seems impossible. Women are just so much more understanding (in my head)
Well, its good that you've accepted that you're a lesbian, firstly. The whole thing about kissing that guy at the party... Perhaps it's because you aren't out at all, you're still subconsciously trying to conform to your past behaviour in social settings because you know in everyone else's mind your still "straight". Also, anothe thing to bear in mind is that straight girls kiss other girls when their drunk, so judging yourself on a breif drunk action isnt very useful. Don't overthink it.
Honestly, I think you're just doing that because it's what you're used to as a defense mechanism. You spent so much time in denial, trying to force yourself to be hetero that you probably do it automatically now when you're with guys, like a comfort zone to hide the fact that you're a lesbian. Not to worry. Everyone has those types of things. I do something in the same realm, like even though I'm out to myself and others, I still act straight around everyone else. While I feel bad about myself for it, I'm so used to protecting myself from showing I wasn't straight that its automatic. Eventually, these things go away and all you can do is try as much as you can to break the habit. Good luck!!!
