Im terrified about the thought of being an homorromantic asexual (although I always kinda thought I was,hoped I wasnt.. anyway). It makes me think: if Im asexual, how am I going to find a partner, when sex is usually pictured as something basic in a retationship. I going to have to find a girl I love who happens to like girls and who loves me back and doesnt feel the need to have sex with me (unless im actually able to have sex and can have it regularly, which im still to find out but would make things soooo easier). but if not, so many coincidences make me feel id definitely could never find a partner. Its already so hard to find a partner for heterosexual people... Well now im reconsidering my asexuality, but, for people who definitely identify as asexual, how do you cope with this fear?
Well, the first thing to do when you meet someone you like and start dating is to put up boundaries. Explain what you are and are not comfortable with. Some couples have sex every once in a while, some couples never have sex, and some couples have an open relationship. But you need to talk to your partner. Some couples decide to not have sex at all, which is fine. Some couples still have sex but only when the asexual partner is willing and ok with it. Some couples let the allosexual (non-asexual) partner have sex with others to satisfy their needs, but only sex. It all depends on the couple in question. As for coping with the fear, I just remind myself that a good partner would never, ever try to make me have sex with them. Just know that a perfect person for you is out there and you will find them (*hug*)
Actual hardwired asexuality is exceedingly rare. Less than 1% of the population. The overwhelming majority of people who claim asexuality have self-identified, and do not meet the criteria. Most are dealing with secondary issues (difficulty with emotional attachment and emotional intimacy, depression, anxiety) which have, as a major part of their related side-effects, a severe decrease in sexual arousal and attraction. So most people eventually figure this out and get help for what's actually causing the problem, so that they can experience normal, healthy attraction and sexual relationships. For the very very small percentage of people who are genuinely asexual according to the definition that's widely understood and recognized, many are quite happy and content and cultivate other relationships that fulfill them.
My sexuality is listed as questioning for a reason. I might be somewhere in the asexuality area, though. I don't know. Either way, I do have some advice anyway. Firstly, it depends on how asexual you are. I know some asexual people are totally adverse and disgusted by sex while others just don't have a real sexual desire, but aren't bothered by it. (Apathy-sexual?). Anyway, if you're the second type than it might be best to just have sex occasionally; surely seeing your partner happy and the closeness might be enjoyable for you as well. If you are the totally adverse type, then yeah, that does make it harder. That said, there are plenty of other asexual people out there, and with the power of the internet they might not be too hard to find. Anyway, relationships are great and all, but you have a lot of other things to worry about and other things to make you happy. I know people who never get married, or even date, who live perfectly happy fulfilled lives. You'll be fine. You'll find someone who can make you happy Im sure, even if it takes a long time. Also Chip, I don't know where you got your figures from but I don't think "the overwhelming majority" or asexual people are not really asexual. Most sources I checked put asexuality at almost exactly 1%, (not less than) which while uncommon is not really exceedingly rare either. That's more than three times the percentage of trans people, and there are plenty of those (just look at this site ) . While it is totally possible our OP does have other issues, I think you are really overestimating the actual likelihood of that and underrating their ability to understand their sexuality for themselves.
This goes back to the competing definitions of asexuality. There's the long-established, widely accepted definition dating back some 70 years, grounded in study, research, and the clinical experience of thousands of clinicians and researchers... and there's the new-in-the-past 10 years definition, which is based in crowdsourced groupthink, has no credible research or study, and is not widely accepted by much of anyone credible other than the tiny group that has promoted this alternative definition. An additional problem with this definition, since it is not based on anything tangible, is that the definition is a moving target; it is so broad and loosely defined that practically anyone could fit into it. With a loose definition unconstrained by pesky things like research, study, and concurrence of the professionals who work with that population day-to-day, you have a bunch of people who are self-diagnosing and self-identifying with something that has no clinilcal basis. Add in the fact that the only existing studies I've seen (both of which have incredibly awful methodology) identify that 60% of those who identify as asexual also identify (probably self-diagnosed as well) with anxiety and depression... both of which *cause* reduced sexual arousal, drive and attraction... and it's pretty easy to see why the majority of people self-identifying almost certainly don't meet the widely accepted definition. Since identifying as asexual means foregoing one of the key aspects of connection (connection itself being a hardwired reason we're here according to a number of researchers)... it makes sense to first rule out other transient issues, such as depression and anxiety among many others, that could be causing reduced sexual attraction/drive/arousal, before simply resigning oneself. But the communities that promote the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink definition of asexuality discourage this and, at least in my opinion, do a huge disservice to people.
Thank you all for your answers. In the end I decided to call a therapist and see what they think, she claims to be specialised in sexual orientation including asexuality so Ill expose all my confusion to her and we'll see.
