I finally decided to post on here, so that's something I guess. I feel very lost and at this time am considering perhaps talking to someone professionally about what I am dealing with. I suppose I will do a quick overview of the "highlights" and maybe provide some context for what I am dealing with. 1. When I was younger I was raped by an older man. 2. I lost my virginity at 15 to a man, 17 to a woman. 3. I've had a few long-term relationships with women, I had one relationship with an older man that essentially consisted of late night hook ups about 7 years ago when I was feelings similar feelings trying to figure it out. 4. When I am out at bars, or in general public, I mostly view women. There's very few times I see a man and go, damn. 5. I've had sex with a lot of people, not trying to brag, and it feels the same to me regardless of gender. 6. The last 2 months I've been more open to the idea of my being gay, which is why I am on here. I don't know if any of the above is helpful but I guess what I am trying to figure out is my sexuality. I understand I will probably get a lot of answers like "your sexuality is a journey" or "there's no need for labels" but I actually think labels are quite helpful. I honestly have no form of shame about the idea of being gay. If I determined I was gay, I would come out, live my life, and move forward. A lot of my friends are gay, I had gay roommates, and I am completely supportive. I am trying to understand how much of this is driven by my trauma from when I was younger or if I am actually gay. Also, I tried to talk to one of my Gay friends about this, and I brought up the possibility of being Bisexual, and he told me that's a myth (which sounded quite ignorant). So my overall question is, how would someone on here advise me to figure this out?
I think you mah be bisexual but your negative experiences with men (being raped) have suppressed the sexual-to-males part. Just a possibility; I have exactly the same, just with women.
Ugh. Sorry to hear that you were raped. I think probably it's just going to take (more) time, and (more) experience (not forced experience--just experiences as they come to you), and carefully paying attention to your deep down gut reactions to all of it--not all of the things that your mind has to say, but what your gut is quietly saying with not-so-many words. Therapy can help too. I was sexually abused as a kid, and raped as a teenager and that history of trauma made it a lot harder for me to figure out ME outside of the reactions to the trauma. I'm sorry you are having to wade through all of that. It tends to be pretty messy. (But worthwhile.)
Hello Xendu, Welcome to the forum. I have to say I have had a very similar situation as you. I was "molested" when I was young. 6-7 years old by an older boy down the street. I put molested in quotes because looking back yes I was too young to really understand what I was doing but as I look back it was very natural feeling for me. I guess if society didn't beat down my soul that gay was wrong , I would probably be married to a man and not a woman. I did like you. I went hyper machismo and slept with a lot of women. I still like women and find them attractive but gosh darn they can give me what a man can. I have never slept with a man as an adult. I have my "toy" lover I keep hidden but never let myself experience a real man to man relationship and I am kicking myself for it. I have talked to therapists and have come to the realization my "molestation" didn't make me want men in a sexual way. I was born like this. I am attracted to men and women. I'm just bisexual. And yes we do exist. Much love Hun. Take care. Always willing to talk.
Hello dear. You sound pretty bi to me based on what you've put here, which IS a real sexuality. Although some people use it as a transition term as they head toward gay (which is fine to do) for others (like me and possibly like you), it is a stable orientation. You don't have to be equally attracted to both men and women to be bi. Welcome, and best wishes.
Welcome! I am so sorry that you were raped. Hug. I am not a psychologist, but I have done a little reading on how to differentiate sexual trauma from sexual orientation. Does sex with men feel compulsive for you?
Originally I said I don't feel different but sex with women feels a bit more passionate, whereas men feels a bit more mechanical. I don't feel shame or anything like that.
Hmmm. I'm not am expert, however the reason I've asked these questions is that some men who were raped or sexually assaulted by men when they were young will sometimes obsessively and compulsively pursue gay sex as a subconscious way of re-enacting their trauma in an ineffective attempt to heal, even if they are straight. The straight guys this happens to often report feeling disgust and shame afterward, and report no romantic feelings towards the men they sleep with. Of course, this can also happen to men who are gay and bisexual, too, in which case the acting out may be less uncomfortable, but still troubling in its compulsiveness. I'd suggest reading "Is My Husband Gay, Straight, Or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men" by Joe Kort. Although aimed at female spouses of men, it has son fascinating accounts of the way abuse can lead to compulsive sex with men, and contrasts that to men that are actually gay, bi, or kinky. Also try talking to a counselor who specializes in male sexual trauma, if you can find one. Good luck!
