It is going to be really long so thank you for reading my story Okay for those how didn't saw my older post I'll do a small resume of my situation . As far as I can remember I have always been straight. I used to fancy girls and love them so deeply that I could cry for hours when they were hurting my feelings. I had many deep relationship with girls and loved girls from all shapes. I used to be really interesting in sex with girls and I swear I loved girls genitals . I had 3 obsession in my life -1st when I was 11 or 12 I was effraid I would kill someone because I read the story of someone who wanted to know how it feels to enter a knife on a human body and thought "can I live without ever knowing it?" It staid in my mind for some months and despaired one day for no resins mAybe I forgot it naturally. - I had a fear of being cheated on (lack of self esteem) from 15 to 21 . It was so hard that I had to check every nights stories involving myself being cheated on by my girlfriend I used to cry a lot at night because of the fear.. Taking every small evidences and making them so huge that I begin to believe my thought but I never herd someone telling me I was cheated on. -from 17 until today : erectile dysfunction : I never had troubles getting a boner on girls usually it was so simple that people used to make fun of me.. (I used to be aroused simply by looking at my gf lips) but I was so scared of having sex , to not be good enough that usually the first times with girls have always been a disaster (no erection or loosing erection at the "moment") but after some times I had usually no problem (unless I think of it) I had this loooong relationship with the girl I called the love of my life . I wanted to make my life with her but after many years she lost interest in me.. I felt like shit.. Ugly,fat,unable to keep the things I loved the most.. And one day I had this gay dream . I woke up scared of my own dream . Am I gay ? The question hit in my head like a plane. At first I said "no I'm not" but it didn't stopped , it kept appearing over and over in my head . I was so scared of this thought. I love gay community , some of my closest friends are gay and I admire them for their assurance and the way they one day said "fuck what the society want me to be" The thoughts came over and over becoming an obsession I wanted to kill myself . I tried thinking of guys and it didn't felt right or wrong just "meeh" but it didn't stopped the thought it was still there telling me I'm gay. I felt like I was in love with my bf and even my ugly friends it was driving me crazy. Am I gay ? Let's see my past . Always have Been straight but was in admiration to a gay guy who was the coolest guy I knew and I wanted to be like him when I was 14 . I took his life style , acted gay and even tried gay porn . I felt aroused but by the act of having sex itself not by guys. I kept thinking what would be like to be gay thinking of same sex relationship but it was not really interesting to me I didn't tried anything because I was to busy chasing girls but people called gay (don't ask me why but at 14 even if it was taboo I felt that gay was cool because all the guys who had style and who were popular were gays) so yeah I had tried gay porn and fantasize about it back then but nothing that much important to me because I was so much more interested in girls . But I was calling gay by many people who rejected me and it was hard.. The girl I had a crush on refused to be with me because of it. When I became 15 I finally found confidence in myself "hey I'm not ugly, I can say I'm handsome" and stopped caring about the guys I wanted to be like and created my own self and never looked at gay porn after that (not because I tryied to stay out of it just because it was never something I wanted to look at) I never forgot this part of my life , no denial I'd say. I forgot but of it that I remember now like I sometimes fantasize about "rape" (during my 14yo) but to be honest back then I had so much disgusting arousal them.. I was aroused by my cat sometimes .. And by the anus or a chicken one time (don't laugh please I'm really serious here) I think I was just sexually aroused by sex.. I Kept a small Curiosity over blowjobs but never wanted to try it irl like a guilty fantasy maybe 1/5000 straight fantasy. I was not attracted to guys in anyways . I had really sexy guys sleeping close to me during party's ect and never been aroused . When my obsession started I tested myself 3/4/5/6 times to get the proof I was not gay but the thought kept popping in my head 24/24h . I tried gay porn and nothing for the first 2 months then I managed to get erections and groinal responses (like electricity in my groin) for anything gay related which gave me more doubt. I really thought I was gay and was looking at so much gay stuff everyday that pictures stayed in my mind and felt a weird sensation like a fake arousal really awkward I told myself "okay you are gay it sucks because you used to love girls but it is what you are deal with it" but I was not happy about it.. I just loved to be with girls .. And then it started to fade away . Here I am now , I tested myself after nearly 2 weeks without that much anxiety but today I was to anxious not to test myself . I looked at guys perfect bodies fully naked pictures : nothing down there Girls : erection or becoming erect Non pornographique videos of muscular guys touching himself : tingling down there maybe because of fear of arousal but no erection Girls : erection or beginning of erection Then I tryied gay porn (the first video that got me erect when my obsession started and I managed to get erect and think I could have finished myself . It took my half an hour of checking to get there . So it confuses me even more because for the past 2 weeks I sincerely tried my best to get aroused by men but it was not working I was anxious while testing myself but it doesn't justify everything I'd say. The horrible part is that I find myself hardly aroused by girls now and it makes me really depressed like I don't have the right to chose ... (I sometimes get aroused by girls in real life walking outside and even sometimes get a beginning of erection on girls/ guys however I feel like they are handsome but I am just scared that I could be gay and I never get erections out of it) I came across "hocd" and figured out It fit to me perfectly but I doubt I'm suffering from hocd.. I don't feel like I was in denial because I never been interested in men or gay sex just small curiosity that many straight have(blowjob) and was so much more interested in girls to question myself. I was clearly not homophobic I went to gay club to help a gay friend of mine getting a boyfriend and was not interested by mens at all but had fun time. Last think it only works sometimes on perfect bodies (like what you think of greec gods) typical male bodies don't do shit on me. Maybe because I'm chubby and envy their bodies . I tried to accept that I could be gay or bi but I just can't because it is all made of fear not of fear to be rejected(a little but of course) i don't feel like it is me at all (when I test myself to guys and don't get any erection then try girls and get erect I feel like I'm me again and feel relieved so it is not regarding others but regarding myself)and also because at some point of my obsession I felt like I would get erect just by seeing a guy shirless now I have to think of me licking his abs to even feel a beginning of arousal so it is not even clear if I really have desire for guys or if I made up everything in my head and that it will fade away. I need some opinions . Again thank you so much for the time you took ! ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 06:02 PM ---------- PS : i am seing a psychologist she seems to believe I'm straight and even if I have hard time to get aroused by girls she seems to be chocked that I still perform in bed with girls ^^. Ps2: sometimes I'll se a friend and think I might be attracted and the other day nothing and this is driving me crazy PS3: I had 2 gay dream all my life (one involving my dad .. Yeah weird but I made the same dream with my mom.. Yeah super weird..when I was really young) and an other involving two cartoons character when I was young I recall myself thinking that their relation was to weird to be platonic. All the others were straight dreams until this obsession kicked in now it is either straight with some gay content (never me having sex with guys) or gay dreams (never me having sex but I usually check myself to see if i'm aroused in my dream to tell you how hard this obsession is) ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2015 at 06:12 PM ---------- Ps4: not that interested in sexual act with guys even with my obsession at 100% I don't feel like getting f** or doing it to a guy would be that great . I feel like it is more about he bodie itself with this obsession rather than having sex. I am not aroused by gay sex (a bit confusing I know it is like worshipping more than sex which lead me to more confusion and worst of all I tried to google muscular woman and was really aroused to it.. ) maybe porn abuse since my 11/12 fucked up my mind and desensitized me of pretty much everything..
And to finish with my craziness I have 2 physical ICD that I can't get ride of leaning to the possibility that I may have ocd and maybe hocd -when I touch something I just need to touch it twice but I control it pretty well nobody notice it usually. (For 2 or 3 years) -The second one is with my hands and pretty complicated to explain but it his pretty hard to see it so I'm fine with it . (For one year)
Hi From what you are describing, I hear nothing to indicate you are gay, but it does sound like there could be some compulsive tendencies. For the record, there is no standalone condition known as HOCD any more than there is 'flipping light switches OCD' or ' locking locks OCD'. There is only OCD, which is typically characterized by having multiple obsessive or compulsive traits. And what you describe seems to match these tendencies. My suggestion would be to consider getting a second opinion/evaluation by another therapist so that you can get the help you need. It doesn't sound like the therapist you have is necessarily identifying all of the issues you are describing.
Thank you so much for the time you took and for your answere I'll get an appointment with an other therapist !
