Hi, so, I haven't posted here before but I've read a lot of forums over the past few months and decided to make my own and see if anyone has any advice for me. Sorry that this is long I tried to make it as short as possible. When I grew up, I realised I liked girls around the age of 12 and started thinking of myself as pansexual. Some time later I decided bi was better for me, and went by that to myself. I felt completely comfortable with that, honestly. But it's complicated. I genuinely thought being attracted to people equated to finding them hot or something. This is because I've had sexual trauma when I was younger and have a very hypersexual mind that's different from my behaviour and attraction. When I see anyone I would instantly get sexual thoughts whether I think they are attractive to me or not, so I was confused about that for a long time and I think that's why I thought I was bi/pan for sure. But when I was 16, I met a boy at my college and we became best friends. He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend. While I was excited at the prospect, I wasn't when it happened. I felt weird and mostly flattered someone liked me that way and said no. Which is what happened when I was younger, too, when a boy liked me. I think it was more wanting someone to be attracted to me than anything. But in this case, I tried. When he asked me on a date I felt very uncomfortable and flustered and said no. And he was good looking and had a perfect personality for me. And when he sat next to me I felt uncomfortable and like I had to shift away, even if I enjoyed spending time with him. It's worth noting I do not have any friends so a lot of my dynamic with him was more attached than a normal person would be with someone they are not attracted to. So, two years pass, I'm 18 and two months ago realised I might be a lesbian all of a sudden. I am very sure that I like girls, that's always been the case and always will be and it feels natural. When I think about being with girls I feel really warm and happy and I can't imagine not ending up with a woman eventually. Around the time I started remembering past trauma, I started looking at how I felt about guys and realising I might have been wrong when I thought I wanted to be with them. I can't imagine having sex with guys, I don't want that. And I know for sure that I'm not romantically attracted to them, as the idea of dating them is very bland/boring to me. When I heard the concept of compulsory heterosexuality it fit me and it described what I could have been experiencing. But now I have been unhealthily obsessing a lot over whether I am wrong and really a lesbian. I have some mental health problems including obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I still get sexual thoughts about men, even if I feel uncomfortable with the thoughts. They appear usually with guys I do not necessarily find attractive, though, they're frequent and odd and nearly always about me being hurt by them connected to sexual feelings, which is not what I actually desire, obviously. I tend to picture a nondescript guy and not an actual one I like, which is different to my thoughts about girls. I stare at pictures of men to try and 'check' whether I am attracted to them. I am attracted to a lot of different specific girls, but I can only say I am sort of attracted to one celebrity guy, and even then I don't think I could act on that and it isn't anything solid. Before, my sexual fantasies were just about guys but now I think about girls exclusively. But sometimes men sort of crop into the picture and it makes me feel sick and intruded upon, sort of? But it happens, and I get some sexual feelings, but not ones that connect to my conscious desires. I guess I'm just worried that I am just repressing being interested in guys or something, that I'm actually just bisexual with a strong preference for women. If I'm referred to as bi it feels off for me, and lesbian feels better. I know I would only want to date and be with girls but with the thoughts I have all the time it's hard to know whether I am actually a lesbian or not. I can't help feeling extremely paranoid and anxious about everything, that I'll one day realise I love guys or something and I was wrong. I can think about this all day sometimes due to being housebound (which is worth mentioning as I cannot go and physically test any of this), and I still don't know what to think. Any thoughts at all would be appreciated. And please don't be hateful.
Honestly, it sounds like you're a lesbian and you're just a victim of hetero-normativity. You sound like you're very sure you love females and imagine ending up with one but you don't like men at all. If anything, you could be slightly inclined to men romantically, but you're probably just right. It's possible you repressed your feelings for men due to trauma including men, which happened to me to some degree, but I think you should stop stressing. Like myself, when I was questioning, I got really stressed because I over-analysed my attraction to women ALL THE TIME. It'd very frustrating and I completely understand how much it can fuck with your head. If you've thought exclusively about girls all the time naturally and feel very artificial when you think about guys, you're probably gay. Anyway, I can't tell what you're thinking exactly so I don't know but I hope it works out for you. Message me if you wanna talk more!
I can relate to a lot of this. I used to think I was pan, then bi, then pan, then just queer--I finally settled on "lesbian" because, like you, it "feels better." I tried the "lesbian" label for a while, just in my head, and I grew more attached to it as time progressed. But I sometimes feel like the chance of me falling in love with a guy is too great for me to be totally gay, and not enough for me to feel validated or comfortable as bi. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm always going to doubt my sexuality. I think a lot of people do, a little bit. Just as your self-confidence varies by day, sometimes you might feel bi, sometimes you might feel asexual, sometimes you might feel 100% gay, no questions asked. And in my opinion, that's okay. I finally came out the other day, to a friend, and I told her I was a lesbian. That might change. Perhaps my sexuality won't change, but my perception of it might, and if so, I'll just give her an update. "Hey, now I think I'm bi." I'll tell her I was wrong before. So what? What is she going to do about it? What is anyone going to do about it? People are more reasonable than we make them out to be in our heads--if you tell them that you identify as something you hadn't identified as before, they're probably not going to say, "Ah, Susan, but you'll always be a lesbian to me." Just remember that labels are made for feelings, but feelings aren't made for labels. "Lesbian" might be a nice, simple way to convey to people who I'll generally be attracted to, but it's not going to encompass every exception. I hope I was able to offer a different perspective.
