Please help me DTR this lol

So as you can probs see, I'm a male that is currently a college student at a small NY college. Anywho, I have known my best friend since second semester of college, probably close to three years now or so and she has been really supportive during this entire process toward me.

To back track a bit, I started questioning a year ago or maybe a little more (even though there were signs of me not being straight way before the but I was in denial). But she was the first person I told and to my surprise, she was extremely supportive. It was a little surprising because just a few months before I told her, she told me she liked me and I had to turn her down and I thought we wouldnt be friends anymore but now were like best friends and for the past three year, everything has been great.

Heres where it gets a little tricky. Recently, I have been accepting that I feel that at this point, I am gay (or mostly gay) and she knows that (and her mom accidentally found out....long story). Just a few other close people know and besides that, I am in the closet to my family and the world. Now, I came to this conclusion after some pretty careful consideration. I did have one female crush when I was in middle school/early high school which is somewhat complicated, but I think there are a few reasons for it. I did certainly find this person attractive and liked personality, I'm not exactly sure how sexually attracted I was at the time as those things didn't really kick in till later on in high school anyway. Moreover, I had little understanding of the gay/queer community. Heck I didn't actually meet a gay guy until I entered college!!

I came to this conclusion because I really wanted a girlfriend at the beginning of my college career, but it was almost exclusively for superficial reasons looking back on it (family, social image). Moreover, the females I had crushes on, while I found them attractive, I don't actually think I was very attracted to any of them. I also don't generally/naturally find women sexually attractive. I mean sometimes I do, or if if I really get myself to think about it, I do. But these thoughts don't come naturally if that makes any sense. Almost all of the fantasies (~90ish%), "crushes if you will," and thoughts while doing...things, are usually about men, I find them to be more sexually appealing for whatever reason and find myself generally more attracted to their bodies while only occasionally feeling some attraction towards women, but I really have to think about it if that makes any sense, like I feel like its not as natural. Its weird because I never really imagined myself having the possibility of being romantically attracted to men for a while even in middle school and high school when I was certainly physically attracted to them but I do feel that given the right man, I could have a solid relationship with him. I struggled with questioning because I thought that maybe I could pull off a relationship with a women which would be socially easier. and here is kinda where I have an issue

So as I said, my friendship with my best friend is platonic. However, she is very touchy and since coming out to her, she has become even more touchy. Like, we cuddle sometimes, we hug more, she even kisses me on the cheek. For a while I thought it was kind of odd but it didn't bother me but recently its been putting me off because I'm not sure if I am developing some sort of attraction to her. It an odd kind of attraction, because its not really sexual, at least I don't think it is. And I only feel this kind of attraction when we are having this kind of "intimacy" for lack of a more appropriate word or when I think about it. I love her as a friend and her personality is awesome and if I was straight, I would probably go for her to be honest. But lately, I have been wondering if my answer is right in front of me, if we are actually meant to be, or if I have some odd platonic attraction to her and that's it. Sometimes, i do have some sort of arousal while were cuddling or she hugs me and I cant pinpoint why...like if its her, or the feeling of physical touch, or if its just random or some groinal response or something. thinking about it, I don't feel much desire to have a sexual relationship with her but sometimes when I am in the moment with hugging her, I do sometimes have this odd push as to whether I should kiss her, but I don't and I don't think I would enjoy it but its become harder to tell. I don't usually feel anything when she kisses me but I feel like I'm overthinking some things and its becoming harder to tell. When I'm not with her or when were in an ordinary setting, I almost never feel this way though and see us as just friends. However, I do feel a little possessive sometimes when she talks about other guys shes dates and I'm not sure if that me being protective or jealous or maybe just a combination of both but i do want her to be happy ultimately and find someone that will treat her right.

Also, defining priority in a relationship has become tough. She has raised good points like...sexual attraction actually not that important at all in a relationship and men usually lose their sex drive before 30, and she has also said that she want a husband children the white picket fence but that shes mostly asexual and just wants to do things like cuddle but still have somewhat of a sexual relationship just to have children....

Is she right? Like IDK, she also said something like its easy to make a relationship all about sex if you get with someone your too sexually attracted with and the relationship will fall apart romantically and that you need to find someone that your compatible with and want to grow old with....Ugh lol, its so strange there are so many factors and sexuality is of course very complicated...I would appreciate any and all advice or answer to this lol, thank you!!!!

 

I should also mention I feel a little trapped here, like its one thing for her to know and laugh about if I end up having to "come out again" and end up in a relationship with her, but since her mom seems to know about this, I feel like it would just be weird if that happened and probably not possible without a lot of awkward embarrassment....ugh, I just hope I haven't dug myself in a hole!!!

 

Thanks so much for your help. It's weird because usually I see our relationship as purely a friendship, like I don't get butterflies or anything and she's pretty but I don't feel sexually attracted to her on any way. However, if we cuddling or something, sometimes she'll kiss me or something and it'll feel fine or whatever but I don't know, sometimes I feel like it would feel nice to kiss her on the lips. Like I kissed her on the face (cheek) and felt nothing from it, just a close friendship (she's been through a lot lately with family so the affection helps her feel better). It's weird because while I'll feel this odd desire to kiss her on the lips or feel her face, I also feel very frustrated about this and somewhat irritated. I'm not sure if this would be considered an "intrusive thought" or if it's fear of having to come out again and take back what I said or a combo of both, it's hard to tell. I guess I can say that I don't really have a sexual attraction to her but occasionally I have that weird romantic attraction and I'm not sure if that means we're meant to be, because it would be a mixture of the perfect story for my family and hers to be proud of but also embarrassment and some irritation, like, I don't really get it.