Hi everyone. I'm Jess, this is my first post on here and a few months ago I never thought I would be on a gay/lesbian forum, but I have got myself into a situation and I need to talk to someone about it and can't really confide in any of my friends or family and anyway I don't think they'd really know what I should do either. I guess some of you might have been in a similar situation to me before so you might be able to help. I've gotten involved in a 'friends with benefits' sort of thing with another girl and I think I either need to pull the plug on it now before it gets to serious or just go with it and see what happens, but I am not sure where it might lead. Anyway, apologies in advance because this is going to be a long one. A bit about myself first, I'm 16 (nearly 17) and in college, I've always considered myself as totally straight, in fact I've never even really thought about it. Never been into girls, never fancied girls, not really ever checked other girls out or anything like that. In August ago I split up with my boyfriend who I had been with for just over 6 months, he is the only person I had ever been with up til now. My friend, the other girl, I won't give her name incase anyone I know happens to read this and put 2+2 together, but we have vaguely known each other for about 5 years, she is 18 and was 2 years ahead of me at school but has just started college doing the same course as me and we ended up sitting together in classes. We've become pretty much best mates, I started going out with her & some of her friends pretty much every weekend and stuff like that, one night a few months ago we were in a pub for drinks and it came out that she is bi, her other friends obviously already knew and were cool with it, they were taking the mick abit saying she was a lesbian and did she fancy that girl over there etc, just banter basically and they were all having a laugh, I was sat next to her and she said "I do like boys too" and winked at me, probably because I looked a bit confused. Later on that night we were in a club just dancing near some lads, we were dancing quite provocatively with each other as we knew they were watching clearly enjoying the show anyway my friend whispered in my ear that if we really wanted to get them going we should have a little kiss, and we did. It was fine, just a little bit of kissing, no tongues or anything and the lads clearly loved it and we ended up splitting apart and dancing with them for a bit before going back to get more drinks. We did have a bit of a laugh about it later on waiting for a taxi, and she is a big flirt anyway, she said she loved the kiss and made out like teasing the boys was just a way of getting a kiss from me, I laughed it off as I wasn't really bothered about it. The next weekend we both went to a gig near one of her other mate's houses that was about 30 miles away from the town we live in, so we ended up stopping over at her mate's house and sharing the spare room which just had one double bed in it. I didn't really think anything of it and didn't have a problem with sharing a bed, I've done it before with other friend's at sleepovers when I was younger. We'd had a really great night, probably a fair bit to drink and we were chatting away facing each other, and we got to talking about the weekend before and she said she was telling the truth when she said she had loved kissing me. I didn't say anything to that but I did smile a bit and she moved closer to me in the bed, and I knew she was going to kiss me again so I just went with it and moved closer to her too. We kept kissing, she slipped her arms round me and I did the same with her, after a while it ended up getting a bit steamy with some wandering hands, we didn't take off our Pjs or anything but she ended up with her hand down the front of my shorts and WOW! She really knew what she was doing, I was totally at ease with her and I had a really good time, it was nothing like with my ex. I did enjoy being in bed with him and everything we did felt nice but I suppose he didn't really know what he was doing quite so much and I was too shy to tell him what I liked and didn't like. But this was totally different, and after I had 'finished' she was just straight back to being like she always is, flirty, making jokes and having a laugh. She asked me if I'd enjoyed myself and then she told me to roll over and she cuddled me from behind. We slept like that til the middle of the night sometime and in the morning I felt really awkward about it but she was totally at ease, "bet you slept well haha" just acting like what we'd done was totally normal. Anyway the same sort of thing happened a few other times and now every weekend I either stop at her house or she stops at mine on a saturday night after we've been out and we do the same thing, lots of kissing and feeling each other up, and then it moves on to us playing with each other and getting each other off! After all this I still feel like I am straight, I don't think about her much when I'm not with her, I'm not in love with her and I don't think she feels like that about me, we don't really text each other loads like I have done with some boys who I fancy, we're just pretty much best friends who also like to have a bit of fun like that. However last saturday night after we had finished we were just cuddling and talking, I told her how good she is at what she does "I know" she said and laughed, I told her my ex never once managed to get me off, and she said "what, not even with his tongue?" Now I knew what she meant, but my ex had never gone down on me, I did ask him once after I had done it for him, but he said he wasn't into it. I told her this and she immediately said she'd do it for me, she sounded pretty enthusiastic about it but we had already both had quite a bit of fun with each other so I said I just wanted to go to sleep, she said "next week then, I'll show you how good it is." Thats tomorrow, and I dunno what to do. I like her, she's a great friend and to be honest I do enjoy what we do together, she is really really good and it just feels amazing, like nothing else really. I know if I go through with it tomorrow I know it will probably be the most amazing sex I've ever had and part of me does want to just let her do it for that reason. But, the thought of her doing it to me, it does feel a little bit weird thinking about it from her point of view, and maybe she will want me to do it to her and I really don't know how I feel about that. I don't really fancy doing it to be honest, it seems a bit gross, I dunno maybe in the heat of the moment it'll be different. I didn't really enjoy going down on my ex bf and didn't do that a lot. I really don't know if I should let her, or not. If we just go out as planned I know we will end up having a few drinks and it'll probably just happen because of that, so if I decide not to I really should probably cancel on her just to be safe but I don't want to risk losing her as a friend, and also to be honest I don't want to stop doing what we're already doing as I quite enjoy it! So, does anyone have any suggestions??
Are you sure you're straight?? Can you imagine sex with a girl you were in love with or don't you think you could fall in love with a girl? I dunno. The going down part is very intimate. If you are straight, how would you feel about it later? When you're married to your husband? Would you regret it? It's serious and nothing to play around with, but that's just my opinion.
Well if you are straight there's nothing you can do about that so I wouldn't try to force it and maybe just tell your friend politely that you two should stop doing that with eachother . In the end I don't think it would be fair for her or you in the end to continue those activities . Good luck
Its a tough situation, but not a bad one. I wouldn't just cancel on her, I think if you decide you don't want to do those things with her that's fine but you should just talk to her about it. I think she would appreciate the honesty. I suppose it depends how you feel about it, do you enjoy it or do you only enjoy it because you are drunk? There is nothing wrong with enjoying it. Just because you have never fancied a girl before doesn't mean you cant enjoy it either. I also think there is nothing wrong with just going with the flow, as long as that is what you want. What worries you the most?
Well, it didn't happen. I didn't cancel it, but our town got flooded on saturday and we just couldn't meet up, its still bad around here, the town centre is pretty much underwater still. Well I definitely still really fancy boys, so that would make me straight? I can imagine myself when I'm older settling down & getting married having kids maybe, and in my head it is always with a man and that seems like what I want long term. I can't see myself having a girlfriend like I used to have a boyfriend but I have really enjoyed these last couple of months and what has been happening. I wonder how common this is for girls? Thanks. I am nervous about taking things further but I am totally happy for things to stay as they are. I'm starting to think maybe I would be just as nervous if it was a boy? I think the thing I am most worried about is if this goes on I will get more used to it and it will become normal, or maybe I will stop fancying boys. I've tried to write this next bit a few times and I can't think of how to say it that doesn't sound like I am a hater but I think it just easier to be straight. If this hadn't of happened then I would have never thought twice about being with a girl in that way. I don't want my parents or friends knowing about this because it just seems weird. It sounds wrong saying that and I hope no one is offended, sorry :icon_sad: I do come from a bit of a backwards part of the country and I don't know anyone who isn't totally straight other than my friend and even her I wouldn't have guessed. btw we're definitely not drunk too - we only have a few drinks on a night out.
Sooooo.... It happened! She stopped at mine on Wednesday night, and it was great!! I actually did it first and it was totally fine, I was worried I'd not be into doing it but no problems at all it felt pretty natural! It is so much easier and way more comfortable than with my ex bf too so I can't see any reason not to do it now! We actually had a proper conversation about what we've been doing too, rather than her just flirting with me. She told me she has always been bi but mostly prefers girls! She told me she'd rather just be my friend if I wasn't comfortable taking things further but I told her I was fine with it. I really really like her. Not sure how I feel about it all now??
Well I'm glad you managed to sort things out. I was going to suggest sitting her down and telling her how you felt about the situation, but then I realised it already happened. So basically you're friends with benefits, you like the pleasure, but you don't want to be in any proper sexual relationship (as in girlfriends) with her?
You don't sound straight to me, really. I mean, you may identify however, of course... But have you considered whether you might be bi? I mean, it's possible that you're bi with a general preference for guys or so.
Yeah that's about right. I don't want to be her girlfriend and definitely don't want anyone to know we're anything other than close friends. She actually told me not to think too much about what it means, she said I can still be straight if I want and that she's been with a couple of straight girls before me. It's a bit strange because if I try to imagine someone I think is hot it's always a boy, and if I picture her body, no clothes on etc it doesn't really turn me on so much. But if I imagine actually doing stuff with someone it's always her I think of and that does definitely turn me on. Thinking about being with my ex bf doesn't do it for me in the same way but I loved having a boyfriend and doing all the bf/gf stuff. I don't think there is a label that fits! ---------- Post added 13th Dec 2015 at 08:30 PM ---------- Thanks. It is a bit confusing, I've been reading some other threads on here with people talking about pansexual/polysexual/homoromantic and yeah I think I am going to stop trying to put a label on myself for now, who knows it might just be a phase or I might decide I do prefer girls after all. No point trying to figure it out now x
Still feeling quite confused about who or what I like. Not in a worried way, just perplexed more than anything and I want to understand. It's date night tonight and I'm really looking forward to it :icon_bigg but I just can't work out if I actually fancy girls in general, or if I just fancy her or even if I fancy her at all. There's no question when I'm with her, she's flirty and I get the butterflies feeling. I love begin with her, sometimes can't take my eyes off her. I get a bit nervous on the way back to her house (in a good way) because I know where things will lead to. And I do really really enjoy it! (more than I ever have with a boy) If I'm on my own feeling a bit horny I think about what we do together and that works for me. But if I try to think of other girls I know or celebs it feels weird thinking about kissing or being with them, even really pretty/hot girls. In fact even if I just imagine her, thinking about her body and stuff it doesn't really do it so much for me. Maybe a bit. If I think about hot guys then I am back in straight girl territory, I think about their chests, abs, arms, butt etc and yep, just feels right. I would like a boyfriend again for sure. Can you be straight in who you are attracted to & want to have a relationship with but be into doing stuff with the same sex simple because it's fun and you like it? I've not really read about anyone else feeling this way on here so feel like I am a bit odd.
There are a lot of potential labels that some people would try to attach to themselves in your situation but I think you've got to be comfortable with them in yourself. The realization that you might not be straight is a huge one, and scary. It looks like you're not ready to delve into that yet. But I have something for you to ponder. If this were to end tomorrow, how would you feel? Would you miss her, the sex, or both. What if you could never see her again? How do you think you would feel?
*sigh* even more confused now. Starting to think I've wandered into a minefield and can't find a way out that isn't going to hurt. I did read this on Saturday, but didn't have time to write a reply. I would have said, that for example if she got a boyfriend/girlfriend and couldn't do anything with me anymore but still wanted to be friends, I would miss it for sure but I'd be happy for her & still want to be friends with her. If she told me she never wanted to see me again that would really hurt, she is almost like my best friend really as well. But, thinking I know exactly where I stood with her, saturday night has completely thrown me. We went out as usual but town was rammed with it being near Christmas, so we only stayed out for an hour and headed back to hers really early. We went up to her room and she wasn't her usual naughty self, instead we watched a film snuggled up together and afterwards there was lots of kissing, I really wanted it but its normally her that leads and she wasn't at all, so I felt a bit unsure about taking the lead and didn't do anything either. We ended up undressing each other & getting into bed but that was it really, we fell asleep cuddled up together and after a while I must have rolled over, I woke up early with her arms still around me from behind. I woke up early in the morning (was still dark) she was kissing me on the back of my neck and my back which felt lovely - nicest way to wake up ever! We did end up having sex then but it was different, a lot slower, lots more kissing, then went back to sleep again. We've never done anything in the morning like that before. I think she has feelings for me. She kissed me me on the doorstep as I was leaving for the bus which she has never done before either, normally she would just have a naughty twinkle in her eye and she'd give my bum a squeeze while I'm zipping my boots up! I feels like its gone from friends with benefits to something else. I know she has slept with other girls before but she has never said if she's had a girlfriend or not before. I don't even really know how out she is. Her other friends that we sometimes meet up with when we're out all know she's bi and I think they know about us (they've not said and she said she hasn't told anyone, but I get the impression they know from the looks). I've no idea even if her parents or any of her family know that she's bi. We've only ever talked about relationships with guys, she has had boyfriends before. Yesterday I was thinking about it all day. I don't want her to get feelings for me, I don't want feelings for her. Thing is I really ( ! ) liked it. At first I didn't because I wasn't thinking about cuddling & kissing and I just wanted sex and thought she wasn't up for it, but it was really lovely. That whole cuddling/kissing thing I have missed since I split up with my last boyfriend. Obviously we did kiss before but normally fast & passionate, can't-get-your-clothes-off-fast-enough type kissing. But as much as I liked it, I don't want a girlfriend and I definitely don't need this sort of complication in my life. I used to think I could read her like a book and that she was just interested in one thing and didn't expect this at all.
Give yourself time to get used to the idea before you decide. It's scary admitting you might have real feelings for her, or that she might have real feelings for you. Don't make any decisions before giving yourself time.
I can't get rid of you I don't know what to do I don't even know who is growing on who Everywhere I go you're there I can't get you out of my hair I can't pretend that I don't care - it's not fair I'm being punished for all my offenses I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences I wanna banish you from where you came But you're part of me now And I've only got myself to blame You're really growing on me (Or am I growing on you?) You're really growing on me (Or am I growing on you?) Sleeping in an empty bed I can't get you out of my head I won't have a life until you're dead Yes you heard what I said I wanna shake you off but you just won't go And you're all over me but I don't want anyone to know That you're attached to me; that's how you've grown Won't you leave me baby please, leave me alone You're really growing on me (Or am I growing on you?) You're really growing on me (Or am I growing on you?)
Hey sorry I haven't commented for a while. I know things seem really complicated and confusing right now but don't give up. Do you think you don't want a girlfriend because you don't want a relationship or because you don't want a girlfriend because you don't want to be 'not straight' and you don't want to have to tell people etc?
You're thinking of her and you're scared. That's a normal reaction under the circumstances. You need to talk to her about how you are feeling, find out what she's feeling. And honestly. You very much sound like you are not straight. That's not a bad thing. Learning about yourself is never bad.
