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Confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sapphirexxx, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. Sapphirexxx

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone. New to the forum; just wanted to share my story and gather some thoughts.

    So for as long as I can remember, I knew there was something different about me. I had a crush on a couple of female teachers growing up at school (I'm 23 yo female btw), and always obsessed over female celebrities far easier than I ever did with male ones. Admittedly (with the celebrities), a lot of it was an element of admiration (i.e: I would find myself trying to emulate the way they dressed, spoke etc), which just adds to the confusion.

    When I was in year 8, I became obsessed with a male teacher. I thought about him every day, craved his attention, and just generally fancied him. However, he was the only man throughout my high school years that I ever had any 'sexual' interest in (I didn't have a crush on any guys, or girls, in my school at all- for some reason it was only ever teachers).

    I clung onto the fact that I was 'In love' with this male teacher, and so I 'absolutely couldn't be a lesbian', when in fact I think deep down I couldn't ignore the fact that I did feel some attraction to females (mainly celebrities and older/teacher figures). This naturally caused a LOT of inner turmoil... I did not want to be a lesbian (nothing wrong with it; I fully support it but it's just something I couldn't face), and I was terrified of family/friends reaction (I am incredibly feminine and girly, and so it would be an absolute shock to everyone).

    Fast forward to my uni years, and I found myself totally ignoring any relationship/sexuality element of my life. I hung around with a group of very religious girls and threw myself into studies, telling myself I would deal with my feelings/sexuality at a later point. However, I started working part time at a place and found that I instantly had feelings for my female manager. It started off as a 'I want to impress you because you're my boss' type of thing, but then I realised it was definitely a crush. I think part of my reason for falling for her was because she looked and dressed like your stereotypical lesbian, and so I think I subconsciously took note of her and started developing feelings for her. We went on nights out, had drinks together and flirted a lot, but it turned out she was 'straight'; something which to be honest, i don't fully believe (or maybe she is but just because I fancied her I was in denial). Anyway! My point being that whilst I was still having this inner battle with myself, I was finally coming to accept my sexuality. Yes I knew it would be terrifying coming out, but just being around her made me so happy that I was concentrating on that more than my fears.

    Fast forward again to a couple of years ago: more confusion. I started texting a guy (who also worked with me). He was older, very very masculine, and very charismatic. I always found him good looking but there was never any interest (due to him being a renowned womaniser, and my sexuality struggles ). However, he told me he fancied me, I freaked out at first (due to aforementioned reasons) and told him I wasn't interested. But on nights out when I got drunk, I found myself craving his attention, drunk calling and texting him. This went on for about 7 months until I finally caved and realised I fancied him. We got together, and i lost my virginity to him. I went from someone who was terrified by the thought of sex with a man, to genuinely loving it. I never thought I would find a man who I loved unconditionally, inside and out, who I connect with emotionally, and find sexually attractive. Unfortunately, after 2.5 years together, he ended it a couple of months ago. I'm devastated. But what's worse is that my sexuality confusion has been brought up again- after this relationship, I see myself and want to be with a man, but I'm terrified that I will never love another man in the same way. At the same time, I can't deny the feelings I've had for women in the past/growing up.

    I guess what I'm asking is whether there are any other women (or men) out there who have identified as lesbian/gay, but then fallen in love with someone of the opposite sex. And when I mean in love, I mean in love (I often read many women saying they love their boyfriends emotionally, but sex repulses them/they were indifferent - this wasn't the case for me, I loved and got very turned on when I had sex with him)

    Help! Very confused. I would appreciate any input- thanks for reading :slight_smile: xx