It's been about 8 years now since I first became legitimately anxious about my sexuality. 8 god damn years. It was the first time I got naked with a girl, I didn't get an erection and wasn't as turned on as I thought I would be. Since then, my issue with maintaining an erection during sex has greatly subsided. I still wonder if I'm getting all the feelings that I should be getting during sex. I don't know if I'm having sex with the wrong gender or if the porn addiction I've had for over a decade has messed my brain up. From straight porn, to gay porn and now mostly just straight porn, thinking about my sexuality has been a tiring and nerve-wrecking experience. Trying to date women has always come naturally to me, but I don't know if I've ever "fallen in love" unless the obsessive feeling (which I haven't had since early highschool) is what "falling in love" is. So I don't know, again, if I'm trying to date the wrong gender or if I'm just reasonably jaded from years of relationships that start then inevitably end. I've hooked up with guys twice in the last 3 years. A make out/ dry humping session that never aroused me. Then I had sex with a guy, gave head, but never got aroused (though he did apparently know how to suck a flaccid dick quite well. No emotional arousal, but it did feel good). But I don't know if I was really attracted to them. They were spontaneous decisions. Maybe I shouldn't have expected any sort of arousal. But I really can't imagine getting into those situations with women and not being aroused, even if I would end up losing my erection when penetration time came. Girls will always get me going to some extent, that almost always includes an erection and desire (though not an uncontrolable, heart-pounding lust) to get close with them, kiss them, touch them, taste them, smell them, and maybe even be with them. I was also very aroused once when I was sleeping in a room across from a gay couple. I wasn't really attracted to either of them too much, but the thought of getting freaky and cumming was definitely on my mind. But if I try to imagine what would have happened if i had walked in their room (which I know this is just a fantasy, because they probably would have just wanted their privacy) I think reality would hit me. It wouldn't play out like my fantasies even if they did want to do the dirty. And if it's not getting me as hot and bothered as gay fantasies have for me, I don't think I'm that interested. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. And I'm tired of it. I wish my sexuality could just be obvious one way or the other. I'm tired getting close to women, getting intimate and finding myself having a hard time staying intrigued throughout the entire sex session. But there's really not a bone (haha) in my body pushing me to have sex or get intimate with a guy. I don't if I'm deep, deep, deep in the closet or just lacking confidence in my heterosexuality combined with performance anxiety. I really wish I'd just have an epiphany. Taking it in the butt didn't give me the answers. Blowing a guy didn't give me the answers. Meditation, talking with friends and girlfriends hasn't solved it. I have genuine feelings for girls, but the level of lust in our sex is lacking compared to the feeling gay, sorta rapey porn can occasionally give me. The gay aspect of that porn is important, too. If it's not two penises, I won't reach that ultimate high. However, most of the time it doesn't even turn me on as much as straight porn, in which I'm entirely focused on the girl and the dick. I really can't look at guys in porn and give much of a fuck. But there was a guy who posted something on a board here comparing the sex he had with women before coming out as McDonalds to a steak dinner. I don't like to think that the sex I've had with women is McDonalds. But I often wonder if it should be more. It's like... if all Ive known is steak, then there could be varying degrees of steak enjoyment and I'm just preventing my own enjoyment. But if all I've known is McDonalds... well that would really suck. The sexual experiences I've actually had with guys could maybe described as McDonalds to a steak dinner, but maybe it's the steak and I haven't gone about eating it correctly. I don't know... It should be obvious to me that I'm straight from actual life experiences, but there's always some doubt. And I don't know if the doubt is justified or if it's just getting in the way. :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Hey dont knock your head against a wall lol. It's ok! It sounds to me like you are putting alot of pressure on yourself to know now and I can understand that. My suggestion would be to relax and just enjoy getting to know yourself. What I notice is that you are focused mostly on the sex part of your sexuality, not the emotional aspect. For me, sex doesn't always turn me on alot if there is no emotional aspect to it. Sex is just sex. I've heard that some peoples sexuality is alot more tied into their emotions and I think that I am probably for the most part that way with some exceptions. What I mean is that having feelings for a person, is the real turn on for me. Sex turns me on when it is the act of coming close and becoming intimate with a person that I have feelings for. Sex by itself can still turn me on but it pales in comparison to the arousal of an intimate connection with someone. I'm gay but I have definitely had sex with guys that did not arouse me because I just wasn't feeling the guy. If society didn't put so much pressure on us to label ourselves, we would just be noticing who we are attracted to anyway and maybe attraction for you starts more with an emotional connection and then becomes sexual, not the other way around. It's hard to learn how to connect and be intimate emotionally with people, especially if we were not raised around it. If we watch tv and look around, so much value is placed on sex as if that is the be all and end all of relationships. You do mention having feelings for a woman before. Have you ever had feelings for your friends either male or female? That might help you to figure out what you like. One thing that I think you have going for you is you are genuinely open minded and willing to explore and get to know yourself. I think that's really healthy and great.
Thank you. I appreciate your words of wisdom. And I can second your thoughts on emotional connection being sort of the "the core" of sexual enjoyment. The best sex I've ever had with my girlfriends was always contextual. We couldn't just do it whenever we chose and have amazing sex. We just had to be on the same page at the right time. Sometimes when I've slept with women, seeing that it was them was all I needed. But when I would have sex for simply the sake of having sex, I wouldn't stay as aroused. I don't think she would either. I have put a lot of thought into the feelings I've had for my friends. I've felt a very strong connection with a few of my male friends in my life. A synergy that made me happy. But I was always fine with our friendship as it was. I was never aroused by these guys in a sexual way. And all those relationships changed over time. With women, I have a harder time just "being friends." I would love to meet a women who I shared interests and conversation with like I have with a select few of my male friends. And I have to varying degrees. I've really tried to look back at some of the strongest feelings I've had for my male friends. I've had a friendship with them that I have not had with a female yet. But I've had feelings and emotions for females that I've never had with even my best male friends. Sometimes I wonder how heterosexual men would not very often have these feelings. I really have very little issue relating with other men who consider themselves straight. I find myself most attracted to feminine women, but I don't usually share too many hobbies and interests with them. And that does not surprise me as a great portion of males and females usually reflect their gender biases quite well. And these biases often lead to interests and philosophies that will not be easily shared between the genders. Obviously it is beautiful that everyone in some way does not fulfill this, and that some portion often does not at all. But I think the dichotomy exists as a result of relatively consistent patterns. I don't know. Maybe one day I'll realize I was actually head over heels in love with these male friends. But that hasn't become apparent yet. I never wanted to date a man. I guess I just need to keep waiting for life to slap me in the face with a handful of undeniable truth.
Well your post gave me two thoughts. One is to consider the gay porn that you have really enjoyed and what about it turns you on. Forget about whether the people are men or women. Just focus on what turns you on. Their is a context like what you said that is stirring alot of emotions in you when you watch it. So what is the context? If your girlfriend is open to it, try roleplaying whatever turns you on. So if you like to dominate, or be submissive, for example, create a shared context with your girlfriend that has Those qualities you like in it. See if that works for you. The other thing I thought of is to have a regular intimate time once a week with your girlfriend ( if you don't already have this) to share intimately together. I do this with my husband and it's really important for our intimate connection together. So for instance, if you spend time together alot watching tv or staying involved in other things, create a time once a week were you just focus on being together, and sharing. We talk about our week, and what happened in it or things that are on our minds, but we don't really focus on the events as much as we focus on our feelings about them. How are we learning and growing from them, and what are we learning about ourselves. You could also use that time to do something special and unexpected for each other. You could each pick something you would like to recieve really special from the other person, like for instance she wants a massage and you want her to take an interest in one of your hobbies that you don't usually share about with her. It's ok if your not sure what to say or do at first. The more I do this the more ideas I have. Then see if that fulfills you. It works for me. Good luck.
