Hi Everyone, So I just joined this website and hoping to gain some insight on gay relationships among young people. I am a freshman in college at a fairly conservative catholic university in Boston. I met this guy on T1ndr. (I know it can be sketchy) who is also a freshman at my school. We talked for about 3 days and had great conversation. We decided to meet each other. Neither of us were looking for a hookup thing... we just wanted to get to know one another. So we went on a date into the city....I was kind of scared because I've never been on a date with a guy and have only dated girls in the past. We ended up having a really good time. We got lunch, looked at the christmas lights, and just walked around. It had the potential to be incredibly awkward but everything just worked out nicely. He was a very friendly guy, easy to talk to, and exactly what he looked like in his pictures. After a few hours in the city we took the trolley back to campus and I hung out/drank with him and his friends (he told them I was a friend from the school newspaper that he writes for-lol). He is very closeted like me and none of his friends know that he is gay..we both act straight so there aren't any suspicions. This is where things get interesting: When his 3 friend left the room to pickup food, he kissed me. Not just a quick kiss, but with tongue (lol). I wasn't expecting it at all but liked it so I kissed him back. I had never kissed a guy before so I was shocked but I definitely liked it. Anyway, his friends came back and we all went to the game and had a great time (at this point we were adequately drunk). After the game his friends went back to their dorms but I walked back to his dorm with him since our buildings are right next to each other. (He lives in a single so he doesn't have any roommates to worry about). We made out more in his room (this time a bit more passionately) as I was sitting on the bed with him. After making out for a few minutes he started getting a little more physical with his hands and asked if he could blow me. (I apologize for the graphic language, I just want to convey what was happening at this point). Since I have never done anything with a guy and I had just met him that day, I didn't feel comfortable so I said no. It was a little awkward and he apologized for moving too fast and all that..so we ended up just going to the cafe and then I went back to my room. It was definitely a successful day. We texted a lot that night after I left saying that he wants to see me again and definitely has feelings for me beyond the physical aspect. I feel the same way about him. My question is: How do I proceed with this guy? Am I already in a relationship with him? We both like each other and he said he has never felt this way about a guy before. Im just scared of becoming physical with him beyond making out. Also, I'm scared that somebody will find out. What should I expect from this situation? Any advice, comments, or questions would be greatly appreciated.
While I'm certainly not a 'young' person by your standards (sorry), I was a freshman in college many moons ago and I do have some experience with relationships with guys. YMMV, but here are my thoughts on your questions below... At the most basic level, maintain open and honest communication with him. Assuming someone can read your mind or 'should just know' something almost never works out well. Beyond that, I'd suggest arranging more dates. Go do things together - go to movies, games, events, etc. Rent movies and stay in. Find out what you both like to do and do the things you both like together (possibly excepting working out together - I've heard that can lead to issues of competition). At the same time, be open to trying the stuff that one of you likes that the other isn't so sure about. If/when you are both comfortable with the experience, you might also consider getting involved in local LGBT groups or organizations where you can socialize with other LGBT people, including other couples. After only one date, I'd say not yet - at least if you're talking about being exclusive and/or taking on the various behaviors and obligations that are generally considered part of a relationship. However, it is very early days at this point and there's certainly no reason you couldn't become exclusive (or whatever you define as a 'relationship') in a relatively short period of time, if that is what you're both looking for. Ultimately, this comes back to the open communication thing and being honest with each other about what you're looking for and how you're feeling as you go along. Hm. A couple questions come to mind here. In no particular order: a) How are you defining 'becoming physical' in this context? b) What about 'becoming physical' scares you? I ask because different people often have different definitions for things and different reasons for feeling how they do and so to offer any advice, I would need to know the details of your concerns in this area. Hm. This last bit is somewhat of a separate issue all on its own IMHO. What this really comes down to is the issue of coming out and when (or if) you might feel ready to do that and under what circumstances. Because if you're out, then most of the issues around people 'finding out' go away. But that is a process that has to take place on your terms and your timetable. Which, in this case, may also be impacted by the terms and timetable of this guy. So, what are your thoughts on this issue? How do you feel about it? I know, more questions than answers here, but I'm hoping they can ultimately lead to some information that can help you. Best, Todd
This was actually incredibly helpful. To answer your question, I guess the reason I'm scared to become physical (like have sex or be intimate with him) is because I've only recently accepted the fact that I am gay. I have never dated or done anything with a guy so I'm really new to this and like anything, would be nervous doing it for the first time. To clarify, I would never consider coming out in the near future and would NEVER want anyone to know the nature of our relationship. Although I go to a fairly conservative catholic school, they do have LGBT resources, clubs, events, etc. but I am not in a place where I would feel comfortable associating with these. I know that is unfortunate but I'm just not there I really appreciate your reply and thank you for your insight. Best, Michael
Understood, and it's perfectly normal to be a bit nervous about doing something new/for the first time. But realize also that we've all been there (everyone was new at this at one point) including this guy - and if he's worth your time he'll be willing to move at a pace you're comfortable with and 'show you the ropes' in a way that is both fun and won't make you feel pressured. As far as potential approaches to this issue, some options that different people may use include: a) Go with the flow - as you date and progress and make out, you may find yourself feeling like you want to get physical with him and ready to start down that road. Realize that you don't have to make the entire trip (so to speak) all in one go and that there's lots of fun things to do along the way. b) Benchmarks - you might think about it and set some kind of benchmarks for your relationship with him (X number of dates, for example). When you reach each benchmark that's a point where you take another step along the road of getting physical. This requires a certain amount of thought and also communication with this guy (since he's part of this process too), but it works for some people. c) Duration - Similar to the benchmark option but based on duration rather than events. So after some amount of time that you figure out/are comfortable with, you look at getting physical to one degree or another, with the level of contact increasing over time. Or some combination of the these. Really, it's what works best for you. Coming at this from another direction, and basing this on various posts I've seen on EC from guys who are just coming out or are otherwise new at this whole gay thing... A lot of guys get their sense of what gay sex is 'supposed' to be like from either gay porn or the way straight people/culture often treat sex. This is not generally correct or accurate. Specifically: a) There are really no 'rules' for how sex 'must' be done (well ok - be careful of your teeth if giving oral - one rule) b) Intercourse is only one possible activity, not the be all and end all or necessary end point of any sexual activity. Plenty of fun (and very pleasurable) things two guys can do together besides that. A significant percentage of guys are not even into anal and another significant percentage aren't going to be fussed if you're not into it or don't feel ready to try it yet. If/when you are ready to give it a go, I'd suggest referring to the resources here on EC for advice on how to go about it. If it's hurting, you're not doing something right - stop, regroup and adjust and try again. c) Communication is really key - that means being honest about your experience level (and not being ashamed of it - we've all been new at this at some point), about how you're feeling, and about what you feel ready/comfortable doing (or not). d) Although you may be inexperienced doing stuff with guys, you'd be surprised how much just 'comes naturally' based on what feels good. And (and not trying to embarrass you), if you think about it, you probably do have some experience with making a guy feel good sexually because, if you're like most guys, you've probably been masturbating for quite some time now - and while different guys tend to have different styles and preferences in this area, that usually just works out to some variation on what you already are used to doing. So, at least in this area, you may find you know more than you're giving yourself credit for. Since you're both currently closeted, this probably isn't that huge of an issue right now. As an 'out and proud' guy, I tend to believe you may eventually find yourself reconsidering your feelings on being out or not. But ultimately it is your decision and your path to follow at your own pace. Either way, I wish you only the best of luck in following it. Hope this helps and have fun Todd
