Hi I really appreciate any advice you wonderful folk may have. I identify myself as a hetero (female), but I have recently developed very deep feelings for a co worker who is a lesbian. We only started working together a few months ago but from the first day the attraction and chemistry I felt was instant - butterflies in her presence, the desire to spend every moment with her etc. I feel like I have been hit by a bus. It has been mutual to a degree - the instant ease and familiarity of our very new friendship has been evident to everyone. We do everything together at work (breaks, lunches, work itself) and we constantly banter and joke with each other. We make each other laugh, we are incredibly similar. We have gone out after work a few times and can spend hours just talking, and I can't get enough of spending time with her. I honestly feel like I have known her for years. I should be more confused about my sexuality in all of this but to be honest it just seems to make sense and I haven't even thought much about why, or why now in my life. I am incredibly attracted to her. The sticky part is that we both have partners. I know that I therefore shouldn't even be 'going there' (please don't judge me on this) but I feel that this has come along in my life for a reason. I am very confused about the mixed messages on her part, and what I feel is a mutual attraction between us. Am I imagining it? Thank you x
No one can really tell you whether you're imagining it or not except her. I'd say go with your gut, but look before you leap. I can only say I'm feeling like I'm on the other side of what you're describing, and find myself asking the very same questions.
Thanks for the advice. I'm interested in your view from the 'other side'. Is she hetero as well? I find that I am used to how male/female attraction and cue's work, but I am very confused about female/female. What behavior towards you makes you question mutual attraction? I am assuming that as my friend thinks I am Hetero, she thinks I can't be attracted to her and yet I am certain she quietly suspects it. It is such a fine line to tread - if I say something about our amazing connection and she doesn't reciprocate I will lose her friendship, but our work situation will change very soon and I won't see her as much so I am feeling that something needs to happen either way. Would love to hear how things are with your friend and what you would do in this situation if you feel a connection?
I have no reliable indication other than a) my gut (classic flirting signals: that classic, lingering look during eye-contact, blushing, light touching, leaning in, spending time with me rather than her friends at social events) and b) mutual friends' knowing looks and hints to each other and to me to tell me otherwise. But both they and I could all be wrong. I may be reading too much into it all, and even if the mutual attraction is there, who's to say she's interested in anything more than an egoboost or a bit of flirting for fun? What behaviors make me question? Leaving the initiative up to me almost all the time. I'm the one who's kept in touch over the last few months, although I've sporadically heard from her at other times before. She's encouraged me to keep contacting her, but I feel like I keep making myself vulnerable, and I'm afraid of being used. She's been very positively responsive 99% of the time, and sometimes says things I think amount to innuendos. On the other hand there's also this guy who's obviously interested in her and I sometimes think she prefers his attention to mine. I'm not a competitive person, and I've experienced women purposefully try to make me jealous before so I just become really turned off by it when I feel it happening. I don't know. It just makes me sad right now to be honest *laughs*. Sometimes though, and I think I'm at a junction where this is the best way forward for me, it's better to just take a step back and see what happens if you do nothing… If nothing happens when you stop pushing the cart, you'll know if you're pushing alone, won't you? What makes you question the mutuality of your attraction? If you feel a connection, I would encourage you to ask her to have coffee just the two of you or to hang out or whatever. Don't just throw her a bone once in a while. That might be enough for a guy or some women, but if it were me, I'd need a lot of encouragement and no-nonsense displays of interest. That means don't play hard to get. Try to show her some trust and dare to be vulnerable. Regarding that last bit, by the way, if you read my latest thread in the General section, you'll know I'm a bit of an involuntary hypocrite when I say "dare to be vulnerable"...
Kirakira, I'm in a pretty similar situation to you, I have also developed a massive crush crush on my lesbian co-worker and like you we both have partners. I am bisexual (although I haven't told her this yet) and in a relationship with a man. I have wanted to tell her how I feel but I'm scared of losing her friendship and making things potentially awkward at work. I'm sure she knows I fancy her though. Sometimes I think she really likes me and other times I'm really not sure. What happened with the girl you liked if you don't mind me asking? Also PlaidGove, if you liked a girl but weren't sure if she was into girls would you ever ask her or would you wait for her to bring it up, drop hints etc?
Oh kirakira I could sell you the T-shirt from this situation.... I too had a massive crush on a coworker. It started nearly 3 years ago when we started working closely together as a new arrangement. I didn't know her previously and I had been told she was gay . I'm married, 2 adult children and just bumbling along in an unhappy marriage. No previous lesbian tendancies but, it explains a lot. Bam, I fell for her hook line and sinker. I felt as if I had been hit by a thunderbolt. I spent 2 and a half years analysing every comment, long lingering look, touch and almost had a breakdown. We went out together several time but nothing was ever said about the way we acted. We were so comfortable together, flirted and teased each other all day and just got on so well. Our working time together was coming to an end and I got desperate. I didn't want to declare my undying love for her in case I lost her for ever so the approach I took was to let her know enough to understand that things weren't what they seemed. I told her my marriage was a sham and I should not be married, to a guy. She was very supportive, said all the right things but didn't come out to me. We stopped working together and for my sanity I resolved not to contact her to try to get my head together. But if I don't contact her, she emails me every couple of weeks to ask how I'm doing.....I really felt we would lose touch but I'm not so sure now. She has commitments just now making her life complicated so who knows. We were both working in the same city recently and met up for dinner. Time flew bye. I savoured every moment and accept I'm not over her. I thought I wouldn't hear from her for a while and then a Christmas present arrived at my home! So I'm still analysing every word, action, gesture after 3 years. I look on her as a friend now and try to stop at that. but not a single day goes bye when I don't think of her, a lot. She has turned my world upside down. I m not sure exactly if I'm bi or gay but I now know I'm definitely not straight, thanks to her. She answered the question, but I need to accept that she may not be the answer.....it is so difficult to try to compartmentalise your feelings in order to maintain your sanity. My husband has no knowledge of my dilema although it is patently obvious that we should not be together any more. I don't think he wants to face to the truth. It is a nightmare of a journey......
Great to see there's so many people in the one boat, feels like we're almost going to sink here, haha. Not quite the same situation but can definitely relate to the whole "am I imagining it?" question. The bane of my existence, honestly.
