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Platonic love for male friend, but still think I'm gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wconfused, Dec 10, 2015.

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  1. wconfused

    wconfused
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    So I've always had the voice in my head telling me I'm gay, for as long as I can remember. And I've kissed female friends of mine who I have zero feelings for (while drunk cause it seems that's what straight girls do......) and it's felt a million times more amazing than even my most successful sexual encounters with men. I honestly feel nothing when I kiss/sleep with men, and I've told myself for years "Maybe it's not the right guy!" meaning I've had way more male sexual partners than I've wanted cause I've told myself "This time I'll feel something!"

    Anyway, to the main part of my post - this is all well and good, and pretty solid evidence of my being gay (to my mind anyway). Apart from my guy best friend who I have been absolutely utterly in love with for the past three years. We hug and cuddle and spoon when we are together, and I love every single moment with him. He kissed a friend of mine (who he didn't know before) over the summer and it completely broke my heart, every time I think about it I get emotionally hurt. Of course neither of them would think anything was wrong with that because no one knows how much I'm in love with him. But here's the kicker - I've thought a lot about when we're spooning, and whether I'm attracted to him. And I'm not, not sexually anyway. I don't want him to kiss me, I don't want to sleep with him. I just want to lie in his arms and be best friends forever and not have my friend from university go anywhere near him.

    So what is this?? Is this just strong platonic love? Can he just be some weird emotional anomaly and I'm still gay? It's really getting in the way of me admitting/understanding my sexuality. If I tell any of my friends I love him, I can't tell them without explaining that I'm also sexually confused. And if I tell my friends I'm sexually confused, then I can't really tell the whole story unless I admit to being in love with my friend. At this point I don't want to do both. The only person who knows anything about either of these things is my amazing and supportive brother.
     
    #1 wconfused, Dec 10, 2015
  2. Ryuji35

    Ryuji35
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    If I am correct, you're saying that Kissing girls is MORE AMAZING than kissing or sleeping with boys. That sleeping with boys doesn't male you emotionally involve in anyway.

    Now, you have a guy bestfriend whom you are "in love" but not sexually attracted in any way.....

    Hmm... I am not familiar with the whole LGBY spectrum but maybe you are in an orientation that doesn't fall in the Gay or Bi category. There are those that are Pan-, Demi- etc etc. that I am not actually familiar with.

    My wild guess is you are asexual.

    Anyone who knows what he's going through?
     
    #2 Ryuji35, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
  3. wconfused

    wconfused
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    Thank you for your reply! Is your last question referring to the guy? I think he thinks I'm gay, not that I've ever said that to him. At one point he also thought I was in love with him (lol at the fact that now I am). We have a weirdly close and platonic relationship and I don't think he sees me as a potential sexual partner otherwise he wouldn't feel comfortable cuddling all the time, is my guess.

    Asexual has crossed my mind, but I do have a desire to sleep with girls (I never have). I guess maybe I should explore that and see whether I feel anything? I kinda just wish I never had feelings for this friend of mine.

    (Also, nice avatar)
     
    #3 wconfused, Dec 10, 2015
  4. AlmostBlue

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    Since you are so close to your guy friend, is there a chance you can talk to him about it candidly? If there is a chance to explore your sexuality with your friend, would you try? Sexuality is very complex, so maybe it would be better if you didn't think that you had to completely "understand" your sexuality.
     
    #4 AlmostBlue, Dec 11, 2015
  5. QBear

    QBear
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    It sounds like you are most likely a lesbian with a very close platonic best-friendship with a boy.

    Its not uncommon for very close friends to get jealous when their friend gets into a relationship, because they fear the new relationship will compete with their friendship for time.

    What you need to accept is that your friend will want to have a sexual and romantic relationship with someone at some point, and that if you don't have sexual feelings for him, you will need to let him go do that with someone who does. Furthermore, I think you owe it to yourself to explore your sexual feelings for women. You may be clinging to your friend to avoid exploring your same sex feelings.
     
    #5 QBear, Dec 11, 2015
  6. Repona

    Repona
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    I'm with QBear on this. It's not uncommon and there's nothing wrong with it. You just love your friend very much. :3 I've had plenty of people I'd never want to have sex with, but I'd love to cuddle up close with and watch movies. 'Course I'd never tell them that. Just scare them away, really. They're no where near open-minded with my orientation. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Hope everything works out as it should with you and your friend. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Repona, Dec 11, 2015
  7. QBear

    QBear
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    Also, for a movie that explores the phenomena, watch "Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List".
    Its a little cheesy, but a good exploration of this situation.
     
    #7 QBear, Dec 11, 2015
  8. wconfused

    wconfused
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    I just watched the film - thank you so much for the recommendation (I can honestly say it was one of the worst films I've ever watched hahhaa but it was still really helpful).

    Yeah, I think you're right. I just need to explore my sexuality more, and maybe even be more open about it. I know we will never end up together (not only because he doesn't see me like that but also that I don't see him like that, as I explained) so I just need to let him go on that front. Perhaps that will weirdly even bring us closer together, I can be more honest about who I am and it will mean we can maintain this sort of emotional love while pursuing sex/relationship interests elsewhere.

    Thanks for the advice
     
    #8 wconfused, Dec 12, 2015
  9. Ryuji35

    Ryuji35
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    You should use your free time to explore. I mean, try to sleep with girls (and boys maybe) just to see the feel. If it helps you identify who you are then go :grin:

    Thanks! LOL It's me trying to be cute, but I think I failed HAHAHA (!)(!)
     
    #9 Ryuji35, Dec 12, 2015
  10. Weregild

    Weregild
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    I had to face exactly the same problem in the past two years. Because I was still kinda in the closet I tried to experiment with boys to see if I could fit in, but I didn't enjoy it. Still, I was so infatuated with my male friend that I tried to confess my feelings to him, even though I expressed myself innacurately - it came out as if it was a normal crush (well, for a multitude of reasons, including me not knowing where I stood on the sexuality spectrum, it wasn't). We stopped talking to each other a while after that. He's the reason why I can't figure out if I'm a lesbian or bisexual - I can't help but wonder if I would've enjoyed building a relationship with him since it didn't work out.

    I do hope you're luckier than me and get a chance to sort things out with your friend.
     
    #10 Weregild, Dec 12, 2015
  11. QBear

    QBear
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    Awww. I'm glad I was able to help. :icon_bigg
    Good luck exploring!
     
    #11 QBear, Dec 18, 2015
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