Ok here is my story it's very weird and embarrassing and long so don't judge and keep an open mind: When I was a kid I noticed right off the bat I was sexually attracted to girls (yes as a kid) but I didn't know what homosexuality or sex at all was. I felt nothing towards boys and the thought of them sexually repulsed me. I was raised christian and went to a christian school until second grade and I constantly felt bad for my feelings and some actions but I didn't know they were related to relationships or sexuality, I just thought they were bad. I was also strongly attracted to an adult women and I remember strong purely physical attractions to some girls. Fast forward to about 4th grade. My next door neighbor (my age) explained to me what sex was and that it was how babies were made. I immediately said "that's disgusting" and refused to believe it. However in maybe 5th grade I realized that what I felt for girls was similar to "sex" and felt less bad and alone. I would gradually start thinking about boys in a sexual way more out of curiosity, but I immediately got bored and thought about girls again. 6th-7th grade I had an ODD obsession with the adult I had a crush on as a kid. It was weird, I felt bad for it but I still didn't make any connections. I didn't imagine kissing or anything, but (some kind of feelings more than physical) were there. I was incredibly homophobic at that age because my parents and the bible said homosexuality is a sin. I always imagined it as some big sin only spoken of on the news or in church and didn't think much of it. 8th grade I fell in love with a boy. I was sexually and romantically attracted to him. It was a brand new feeling for me and I subconsciously dismissed my feelings for women and thought of myself as straight as I always had because for me there was no other option in my thinking. I had been "straight" up until the end of 10th grade when I started to question. Here's where thing get confusing. In 10th grade I would feel attraction to certain celebrities and tell myself i shouldn't think of a women this way (even though by then I wasn't a crazy homophobe anymore) or I would tell myself I just the masculine qualities in them attractive. I also noticed myself very excited to see my bisexual female friend who would flirt with me and compliment me a lot but I didn't think much of it. That summer I admitted to myself and my boyfriend at the time that I was a lesbian when I was a kid but I somehow changed. He didn't believe it could just change like that. I also had sexual dreams about girls I had never met that year and I woke up knowing I enjoyed them. Skip to this summer and I began to identify as bisexual. I was still in the closet to most (and still am) but I felt the urge to find out who I was fast. Not only was I at war with my religion, or the thought of one day having to come out to my parents, I also wasn't 100% sure I was bi. I would tell myself I was making it up for attention. This started to cause me to feel depressed. I would be constantly unsure of myself and feel guilty. I noticed I only had physical and sexual attractions to women for the most part. I had romantic attraction to men as well as sexual though I haven't experimented to know for sure. However, it could mean nothing but I have kissed two boys and either I was totally disgusted or I felt nothing at all and something felt wrong. Just recently I learned that I am romantically attracted to women as well, but I'm only romantically attracted to older women or teachers (kind of like how I was obsessed with that adult). I am generally attracted to more feminine or submissive men, but I still get attracted to masculine men. thanks for reading my life story, so advice? What should I identify as? Is it normal and healthy to be attracted to older women? (it may be less weird as I get older and my age catches up to those I'm attracted to) Is there any significance to me not enjoying kissing men? Why am I still so confused and why don't I like girls my own age? I realize only I can answer these for sure, but hearing someone else's thoughts may help me.
You sound bisexual although it would be pretty normal to favor women on an emotional level due to the maturity of them compared to guys (especially at that age) Nothing weird about being attracted to older women. Again, it's just your preferance for someone more mature. I myself identify as mostly straight but have always had a curiousity concerning older guys. As for the kissing, do you think that it could have been less about gender and more just simply not being attracted to those specific guys?
Its hard to say for sure, but I get the feeling you may be either a lesbian or a woman preferring bisexual. I think the fact that kissing boys felt wrong is an indicator that you might not be that into guys in reality. It is possible to feel attracted to someone, but then when you actually try making out or having sex with them, it doesn't feel right. This may be the case for you with men. I know it's difficult to accept with your religious background, but your long-term and consistent attraction to women is very clear to me, and I suggest that you should learn to embrace it. Honestly, if I were you, I would stick to dating girls/women and avoid getting involved with boys/men. You may need to wait until you are out of your parents house to pursue this, such as if you are planning to go to college. But I think you will be much happier if you focus on where your attractions are the strongest.
I think the reason the first one disgusted me was probably because it was my first kiss and he went all tongue, but he didn't when I told him I didn't like it and it still didn't change, and I was attracted to him. The second one was actually the guy I mentioned falling in love with (we recently got together and just broke up) and I was very attracted to him, but I got nothing out of kissing him. I just felt awkward. ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2015 at 11:48 PM ---------- I have no problem with having a closet relationship with a girl now or waiting less than two years for college and I've started to accept myself. It's more of a problem of, the only women I feel romantically attracted to are a lot older. And that makes sense that not enjoying kissing men could be an indicator, but my attractions towards men are strong. I could possibly just not enjoy kissing, but I haven't kissed a girl to know for sure. It's all so confusing.
From experience there's been people I've been attracted to in the past who have turned out to be pretty louzy kissers. It didn't change my feelings towards them, was just one of those things. If you were attracted to him then it's kinda the only thing that makes sense. As for the first kiss and being disgusted, all tongue is never a good thing!
That makes sense, I don't think I have no attraction to males for sure so there may be other factors affecting it.
Well maybe the best thing to do is wait until you feel comfortable, then see about experimenting with an older woman. You won't know until you try. I'm similar in that I have no physical attraction to guys my own age. If I ever decide to experiment and have a gay encounter, it will likely be with a much older guy. Like you I don't really know why the age preferance, only that it's just what appeals to me.
