Hi, my name is Dan. I'm a 20 year old male. Just joined this forum. Sorry about the long post to come, but I was hoping for some advice on an issue I have been dealing with. First off, I am more than confident that I am gay. I started to realize around the age of 15 when I started noticing myself looking at other boys. I denied it to myself until I was 17 and started to accept it. I came out to some close friends as bisexual (I chose bisexual at the time because I wasn't sure if I was still attracted to women or not in that way) not long after, and eventually to my family and everyone when I was 18. When I was 19, I decided that I was gay and not bisexual and started to identify as gay from that point on. But here's the problem. Lately, I've been freaking myself out. I'm no doubt attracted to men sexually. I always catch myself looking at boys when I'm out and have sexual thoughts, and I can have fantasies about boys. Boys are so attractive to me, I've never had sex, but there's no doubt in my mind that the sexual attraction is there. When looking at girls, I never have sexual thoughts. Come to think of it, even when I've liked girls in the past, its been purely emotional and not sexual at all. So I'm okay when it comes to knowing that I'm sexually attracted to men. The thing is that I get kind of worried that I wont be able to form an emotional attraction to another man. It's weird because I'm totally okay with the idea of marrying another man. The idea of kissing another guy or holding hands with another guy makes me feel happy inside. So I don't understand where this fear of wondering whether or not I can be emotionally attracted to another guy is coming from. I've never had a boyfriend before so maybe it's just because I haven't been able to try it out yet and see for myself? There's this guy that ive been talking to lately and I absolutely love talking to him, he'sthe kind of guy that I would definitely go for. But I'm always questioning whether or not I'd be able to build a stronger emotional attraction to him (or any other guy) or not. I've only been talking to him for about two weeks with only a little bit of talking every day since we are both busy, so maybe I just need to give that emotional connection some time to build up? When it comes to women, I don't have much of a desire to date them. I more just want to be friends with them. I can definitely connect emotionally with my female friends, but not in a romantic kind of way. My best friend for example, I love her to death, but definitely in just a brother and sister kind of way if that makes sense. I'm sorry if that was all over the place, posting on a forum kind of intimidates me. But basically, if anyone out there reading this could give me some advice or a personal story similar to mine, I would be so thankful. This has literally been eating me alive for a couple months now and I just want to move on and be happy. Thank you so much!
Hey first of all breathe its ok to not be sure! So don't worry! Second this isn't an exam or a life and death situation where there is only one right answer! So let go of the fear! Third date this said person and see how it goes! If you find the emotional bond that you have been looking for then great! You have your answer , but if you don't then that doesn't mean anything! Date till you find the bond ! The connection! If you still worry about your feelings with girls then date someone and things will become very clear ! Lastly do some questioning to see whether you have internalized homophobia? You denied your sexuality for sometime so just do some soul searching! It never hurts to do it In all just be calm n don't over think it, your just 20!
I agree you should try. Im also in a situation when "I'm not sure, but..." and my therapist told me "then you must do something, time to experiment"., And that's what I tell you. If you wait until you are 100% sure then you may never be. And if you wait and wait it will be more difficult each time because you will feel more insecure. Of course its never too late! but it's easier if you do it as soon as you get a nice ocasion (dont force it either). And it seems you have a pretty good one now!
Totally agree, you should just go for it! The anxiety about not forming an emotional connection is just down to the fact it's all new. It will almost certainly disappear once you take the next step
Some talking points and and My take Dan. You are trying to run a marathon without learning how to walk, breath, condition your muscles. Basically you are trying to "out think" this one. Start out slowly, ask the other guy to go out and do something fun - a movie? Learn how to incorporate "love" into a relationship., There definitely sounds like there is "shame" thought(s) lingering in your head for you keep worrying about girls. Sit quietly for 5 minutes (or longer), close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing and the sound of your heart Dan, open your eyes and say, I'm me and I get to love who I choose. (Then ask the guy out to explore and discover who you are.) When all of what I am suggesting falls into place, the very complex "love, lust, sex" equation swirling around in your head will settle down. The emotional attachment can happen. Now go run that marathon dude.
