I've been identifying as bisexual for a while now.. mostly because saying I like girls isn't enough and saying I like men isn't enough. Lately I've been confused. I've never really been in love with a man. But lately I do feel attracted to them, I want to date them and just have all kinds of fun, and I want romance. The thing is, I'm hesitant to act on this because any time I date a man I feel very doubtful, I start getting highly anxious because I "know" deep down I can't love him. I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months and I loved him but was never in love with him. He used to say his worst nightmare would be dating a girl and being the reason she realized she's gay. I was afraid to tell him I had liked girls. When I like a girl I feel like anything I've felt for men has been meaningless and I definitely prefer women. The thing is, even though I feel like I'm a lesbian when I date men, I haven't liked a girl in a few years, and I rarely check them out in that way. I don't like lesbian porn any more. But I still feel like the potential is definitely there, and that my sexual attraction for them is lying dormant. When I realized I liked girls, I was in an all girls school, I was a very cautious person and think I became so at home and comfortable that I allowed my attraction to come out. Also, because I was so cautious, I didn't want to hang out with boys, all I heard was they just wanted sex and teenage boys were not attractive to me at all. Now I am in a mixed sex environment and I don't check girls out much anymore. I don't usually have crushes anyway... but crushes would more often be on boys whereas real feelings (though they haven't happened in a long time) would be on women. Because of my doubt when I date men, I started dating a girl. I feel the same doubt and anxiety, but when I was in a bar with her the other night and allowed myself to really look at her, I really felt something. I still don't know if I like her and maybe I should be honest with myself and her and stop dating her before I get in too deep... but I do like her. She kissed me and to be honest it just made me more confused. I think I compare my attraction to women to the attraction other bi/pan/lesbians feel, and start doubting myself. My attractions were never purely sexual and what I felt when I was around an attractive woman wasn't just sexual like others seem to describe it.. it's like being in a magical land or something, I feel dumbstruck. Basically, I'm confused because I keep going from one sex to the other... I doubt my feelings all the time.. and I wonder maybe if it's because I'm demisexual and can't like someone I am dating. I also wonder if maybe I am straight, which I kind of hate because liking women in school put me through a lot of stress and depression and basically made me who I am.
Seems you definitely see women as a more long term option whilst with guys it's perhaps more of a lust thing. The best thing is to just try and relax a bit and not worry so much about liking one particular gender more at any point in time. Also try not to look at it as going from one gender to the other and instead just see it for what it is - you feel a different kind of attraction to both genders. Hence you're prone to like whoever, whenever. Absolutely nothing wrong with that I'm hardly an expert but imo I think instead of worrying, you're a hell of a lot better off If you adopt the attitude of 'I like who I like, if I feel an attraction to someone, then regardless of gender, I'm just gonna go for it. As far as demisexual goes, I honestly have no idea what that even is!
I'm not sure, but it sounds to me like your bisexual with a preference for women, like a 4 on the Kinsey scale. Or, using a different way of thinking about things, it sounds like you are bisexual but homoromantic, that is, only capable of having deep romantic feelings for women. As for being demisexual, I'm not sure if you are understanding the meaning of the term correctly. My understanding is that people who are demisexual only feel sexual feelings for someone when they first have a deep emotional connection. Unless I misunderstand you, it seems like you feel sexual feelings for men, but not deep, emotional, love feelings, in which case, that makes you NOT demisexual. Am I understanding you correctly? Are you feeling sexual feelings for both men and women, but only deep in-love feelings for women?
(That's exactly what bothers me the most about my own confusion.) See I have a very similar feeling when it comes to girls, and that always made me believe I was asexual. I find it really hard to find a girl I like (its not that I see a hot girl on the street and I must look or whatever) but when I do...wow. Its not very sexual, its, as you say, like being in a magical land. And it wasnt like that before! i rememeber as a teenager thinking "why are all the girls in my class so hot and all the dudes so..not hot, thats not fair" lol. So I guess I was more attracted to just every girl before. So well, I have been adviced just to do something (as I dont date, like you do), to experiment. And I gave this advice to some other person some hours ago but here I go again: go on with this girl, see where it leads you and what happens. You say you do think you like her so you are actually being honest here, and as long as you dont marry her or get engaged you could always just stop dating her if you realise you dont like her anymore and it wouldnt be a major drama and you dont have to feel guilty, that stuff happens all the time. But if you wait and wait until you are sure, you might never be, and it will be more and more difficult each time.
Yeah I know what demisexual is haha, I see why you are confused though. I meant it that way because I don't really check women out, but when I do like a girl, I do have sexual feelings. Yes, oh my god! I feel like in school I was attracted to a lot of women, I could look at any woman and be like "yeah i could be with them if they had the right personality, or I could kiss them" etc. I feel like that with men now. Yeah I don't know, because I was in a relationship for 6 months and it absolutely broke me when he dumped me. Thinking of inflicting that pain on someone makes me feel awful.. but then again if I tell her everything she probably won't want to see me again.
Okay, yeah, then maybe you are demisexual with women. And that's totally fine. I'm sorry if I misunderstood. In any case, if you have more profound feelings for women (when you have feelings), I'd say stick with this relationship, but go slowly, and see what happens, like AnotherStranger said. As gay sex advice columnist Dan Savage says, every relationship you have will end, until one doesn't. Every relationship is a learning experience, and the measure of success isn't necessarily longevity, but rather the quality of the relationship and what you both learned about yourselves and relationships. As long as you approach relationships with the idea of trying to leave the person as good or better than you found them, its okay. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to do your best. Also, remember that while it is important to be honest in relationships, you don't have to be brutally 100% honest and reveal every single thing. To quote Dan Savage - my hero - again, "A relationship is not a deposition." So, yes, I might reveal, if it feels comfortable, that you also find men attractive, but you don't have to tell her that your super confused about everything. Does this help at all and seem reasonable? Is there something we're missing? Good luck. ---------- Post added 12th Dec 2015 at 05:51 PM ---------- Dude, don't be a jerk. We're all here to learn.
Omg guys I'm on tumblr, I know what demisexual is But yes, okay. I have some issues with anxiety hence the over-thinking. Yes, it seems very reasonable. Thank you.
