Okay. So here’s the deal. 29 years old. I had my first gay relationship this time last year that only lasted two and a half months. He broke things off with a text. ( ! ) The whole experience got me to open up to family and a couple co-workers. It woke me up and made me realize what it was like to be with someone. To be infatuated. To have feelings. So when he cut things off, it was bad. And honestly, I thought I was over it a couple months ago but I’m really not considering the fact that we hung out during the winter and we’re headed into that right now. Lots of things unfortunately remind me of him. The weather. Smells. It's just weird! lol I honestly don’t even know how people get through stuff like this being regular daters because it sucks. Lol I tried online dating this year but I’m realizing that it’s just not for me. At least I don’t think so. When it comes to guys, I’m not attracted to those that display flamboyant qualities. I think this is also why I haven’t been able to get over my ex. He was just a regular guy. Or perhaps I just miss the feelings I had when I was with him. But it seems like a lot of guys online are to some degree or another flamboyant. At least those I have had the chance of opening up to or meeting. My therapist says it’s just a preference. Another thing I’m realizing why I can’t do the dating thing is because I need to be friends first. I can’t just jump right into the typical dating scenario. It’s too formulaic. I feel like it skips steps and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. With my ex, we were co-workers and became friends through that for months before I found out he was bi/gay and anything happened. Now, I’m not saying I have to know someone for months but I need to establish an emotional attraction to someone before there’s a possibility of sexual attraction. I don’t know why this is. It just is. Here’s my dilemma. I think I like girls too. I dated a little bit in my early teens. Puppy dog stuff. There was one girl I really Really liked. Perhaps loved. Or thought I did but 14 and love? Maybe too young. So I know what it’s like to have feelings for a girl. Now the reason why I didn’t continue with girls is because of this other side that I was hiding. Very confusing time. I had stuff happen to me when I was younger that kind of screwed me up during high school. I just never tried. It’s another reason why I never ended up having sex. I was shy and just didn’t have the craving really to want to be in a relationship. Late bloomer! And looking back, I never dated. We always started out as friends first. Maybe it’s a trust thing? I have had sex with a couple guys including the ex. The ex is the only one who I have had real feelings for. I want to try dating girls but I’m afraid they’ll see me as “in denial” and write me off. I’ve had very little luck on the dating website being listed under “bisexual, demisexual, and questioning) because for me, I’d want them to know how I feel. I’ve told a couple friends and family and they seem to think that the girl doesn’t need to know my history or this other side of me but for me, I feel they do. I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m lying. You know? But it seems like girls don’t really want to be with a guy who happens to like guys to. I’ve actually had a couple tell me I’m cute but they don’t feel comfortable dating someone like me. There’s also the chance that maybe I’m not really into girls and the girl that I get with will be hurt because of that. I’ve always flirted with the idea of being bisexual since my teens and if I’m not, that’s fine. I’m actually okay with being gay. I just never felt comfortable with that label because I felt it just may not be true. It just never felt like who I am. Having had a little experience behind me. The ex and trying to meet guys online, I've grown a little more confident in what I think I want long term. And I'm not sure it's with a guy. I’ve always had periods where I find myself attracted to girls and then periods where I’m attracted to guys. And it’s usually purely on an emotional level first. I just felt more into guys because there’s experience there. I know what to expect. When it comes girls, not so much. So this whole bisexual thing has me a bit confused. I think there’s a good possibility it doesn’t matter what gender it is. That I can actually fall for both if I’m emotionally attracted to them. And part of me feels really stupid? for being almost 30 and having hardly any sexual/dating experience. Some think it's cute but I find it annoying. Advice?
Firstly, we're all different, so don't feel bad because your life has led you to where you are today. Secondly, I'm bi, so I know about that whole being in a relationship with a girl and wondering about disclosing your whole life. I too don't really like flamboyant guys and I think it's a personal preference. Finally, although I don't really know if I could date one of my friends, since I tend to shove people into certain groups and keep them there, I totally get what you're saying about knowing someone properly before jumping into anything. I'm not too sure what your actual question is, but I believe it mainly revolves around your love life with girls/women. Obviously you can get girls, which is why you said you were turned down when you mentioned that you liked guys also. As your family said, sometimes it may be best to disclose that either not at all or after you've been with her for a while. I suggest the latter since you said you wanted to be open with her. The thing is, she may like you, but you telling her that straight away could sort of "scare" her out of any commitments. What I'd do is go ahead with trying to date women. Go on a few dates and see how it's going. If you feel like she'll be accepting, then I'd tell her, but remember that it may still turn her off from you. It really depends on the girl. I never told any girls I liked that I was bi, because gossip flies quickly here and some people are very homophobic (and i'm at an all boy school where some bad things have happened) and I wasn't sure how she'd react, since she was a traditional Hindu. It's partly due to that fear (and because I have far more important things to do lol) that I haven't dated yet, because I'd have to hide it (so I think I'm a little like a younger you). I hope I've helped
By friend, I don't mean friend friend. I just mean get to know them first on a friendly level. If that makes a bit more sense. With the ex, we were co-workers. Not really friend friends. Maybe it's different with guys? With girls, I definitely know there's kind of a window. Just depends I guess. Yea. Sorry that wasn't clear. Understandable. That's what scares me. Becoming emotionally invested and getting rejected. Not a fun feeling. But I guess I have to get over that.
Well, I think we are very much alike in that I only really want sex with someone I'm in love with, and it can be either a man or a woman. Then when we find the right one, it's very intense. Date men and women who want more than just sex. When you grow to love someone, then be honest about your sexuality and invest yourself fully in the relationship if they're OK with it. Go for it, or you will regret it. Yes, you might get crushed because people change and not all remain loyal, but you will survive. We have the capacity to be in an intimate relationship with a man or a woman; that's not a bad thing in my opinion.
So I think a lot of people, as they're figuring themselves out, get tripped up with the difference between deep, meaningful friendship and attraction. People often mischaracterize meaningful friendships as "romantic attraction." Hence the concept (for which there's no credible evidence) of a separation between romantic and sexual attraction. So among the questions to look at is what arouses you sexually? Do you get aroused thinking about both girls and guys, or mostly/completely about guys? When you masturbate without porn, are you thinking about guys, giirls, or both? When you are out and about, are your eyes drawn equally to girls and guys, or more to guys or more to girls? Sometimes it helps to actually experiment masturbating without porn and thinking about girls and then, in a separate session, about guys, and see what arouses you more strongly. Usually there's a pretty significant difference unless you are truly bisexual... which is less common than being toward one end of the spectrum or the other. Friendships can be really deep, meaningful, empathic, and powerful... but these intense friendships aren't romantic relationships, they are friendships. So if this is what you feel, with no sexual desire attached, then it is most likely friendship rather than romantic attraction. I hope that helps to clarify a bit.
I did have this question for my therapist but I do know the difference. To be honest, I don't really get aroused thinking about girls or guys. If I watch porn, I would say the act of sex gets me aroused but without porn, I don't get aroused very easily unless someone is doing the arousing. I'm not a very sexual person. I also have health issues at the moment that have effected my testosterone levels so that may be an issue. etc. But it's usually gay porn that gets me aroused. More guys than anything these days because I work in a male dominated environment and I don't get out much. There are a couple ladies in the office. One I wouldn't mind if things happened with. Joking and having a sense of humor is a big thing with me. She's attractive and she jokes quite a lot with me. To the point where it could be perceived as flirting but it's not. I focus more on guys in general because that's where I feel comfortable because I feel girls just wouldn't give a guy like me a chance. I probably lean more forwards guys. At least right now. Thing is, I don't get a sexual desire when I'm attracted to someone. Physical attraction sure but I never look at someone and be like "I want to bang them". With my ex. We worked together. I joke a lot at work and I assume everyone is straight. A few months in, we did have a couple gay like moments where even I got confused and just set it aside as a he's being weird moment. Then he got my number off facebook and we started chatting as friends. Still not know whether or not he was bi/gay. I just thought he was being nice and actually wanted to get to know me as a friend. Looking back now, the joking went a little into the flirting territory. But I never saw it because I assumed he was straight. Long story short. He wanted to tell me something but was afraid how I would react. And since I felt comfortable enough on an emotional level having known him for a few months and in talking/joking around. I decided to tell him about my feelings and in doing so he told me he liked me. Only then is when it all clicked and is when I realized I was attracted to him more than a friend. Perhaps I didn't see it? Or understand it? But I still wasn't sexually attracted to him. Just extremely infatuated. Only when I got comfortable being sexual with him is when I developed the sexual attraction. Does this make sense? I believe I can relate to the Demisexual label. So perhaps I prefer guys but I feel there's a possibility I can have as much of an emotional and sexual connection with a girl if this is how my body intends to work. It's just finding a girl who is open enough to want to be with a guy like myself.
