Okay, so, hello there! It's been a while since I've actively posted, but I am once again experiencing, well, a great deal of confusion regarding my sexuality. I'll start from the beginning. I have heard a lot of people, especially on here, say that they've experienced same sex/other attraction at a very young age. (i.e maybe seven or eight) For me, however, I've never experienced that? Before puberty, I guess, I'd strictly had crushes on boys. Not crushes where I'd want to "go out" or "date" them, but rather crushes where I'd really want to be their friend, if that makes any sense. I will also say, that I can always remember admiring woman? I won't be specific, but instead of "looking" at guys I'd gravitate more towards woman, though romantically I only though of having relationships with guys. (Which may have had to do with my upbringing.) That being said, around seventh grade, I started to explore my sexuality. I'd grown up in a Christian environment, and though I'd never directly hear my parents say that "gay people go to hell," it was sort of an unspoken thing. I don't think I've ever been blatantly homophobic, just ignorant. I'm getting off track, so back to what I'm actually posting about. In seventh grade I started identifying as bisexual, and came out to an internet friend as so. As they were/are also queer, they were accepting, as were/are most of my internet friends, whom are ironically all queer in some fashion or another. But anyway- I went through a phase where romantically I just wasn't feeling it. Relationships weren't my thing. So then for a while I identified as an aromantic asexual. Recently (in the last few months), however, I've started realizing my attraction to woman, I started having fantasies about dating woman and stuff. In the future I can see myself getting married to a girl. What I'm confused about, and I know it's a silly thing, is whether or not I am lesbian or just perceive myself that way (for lack of better phrasing). I don't currently have a "crush" or desire to date or have a relationship with anyone in my grade or anything, which is the major reason why I'm questioning my sexuality, What I also feel is influencing this, however, is that I seem to have this, ah, fear of being wrong. Let me explain; I am scared that I will come out to someone as one thing, and then realize that it is in fact not true, or even that I'm straight. It's for this reason that, to the few (three) people I have come out to IRL, I have told them I am just "not straight." This still assume I am attracted to men though, and of this im not certain. I do not see myself having a future with a man, rather with a woman. Another factor I feel could be influencing this is my age, as someone who is very young, I am scared to use a label simply because I am aware sexuality is fluid. Like I stated before, I don't want to deal with the embarrassment of having to tell my friends/people I've come out to that I was "wrong" or just "going through a phase." Apologies for this post being, well, everywhere and not very well thought out!
Just to be really simple and blunt abou it. To me you sound bisexual. You are attracted to both men and women. But you do not see yourself as having a future with a man. You are only attracted to men physically, but not emotionally. You are also attached to women, physically, sexually, and emotionally, and can see yourself as having a future with a woman. I do not have any advice for you. The above is just how I understood your post. I don't know if I assisted you at all but I felt the need to reply.
Thanks for the reply :icon_bigg I can see what you're saying, but as I've gotten older, my attraction to men has decreased; which is why I hesitate to identify as Bi.
You sort of "blame" your upbringing. I don't think you can really do anything about that now but I sense you are finding it difficult to be yourself. If you find someone you are attracted to (male or female) then it is only natural that you would want to take it further. This starts to move towards that dangerous area where attraction = sexuality. In real life it doesn't work that way. You can be attracted to someone without wanting a sexual relationship with them. I wouldn't worry about identifying as anything. Labels generally are meaningless unless we define ourselves by them. Be yourself first and let everything else follow on from there.
Hmmmm honestly you sound a lot like me. Even though I'm somewhat physically/sexually attracted to guys, I can't see myself pursuing a relationship or anything of that kind one, so that makes any sort of attraction (that has decreased over time as well) I can possibly feel towards them kinda irrelevant. So sometimes I wonder if I should just label as a lesbian instead. That's not something I lose sleep over though. lol & you know, if I were you I wouldn't worry much about being "wrong" about it. Even if you were to label yourself as a lesbian/bisexual/whatever now and later figured you're not, that's okay. Sexuality is fluid & it's normal that your attractions change. Just do what feels right to you, be with who you want to be & don't think about labels too much. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
