When I was twelve I was pretty convinced I'm straight and I had these small crushes on guys whatsoever or I thought I did but lookin back I didnt really realise that I found some girls really attractive and there was this particular one that I was somehow intrigued by and just wanted to be close friends with.. Im 16 now and I recently just came out to some close friends as not straight, and then after a while I was pretty sure Im a lesbian but Ive been having these really confusing thoughts which makes me doubt it. And now Im scared that What I told them about being lesbian isnt so true Throughout my beginning of high school, Ive kind of had this avoidance and ignorance when it came to thinking about girls. Coming from a Catholic family, and obviously since hetrosexuality is basically the norms, It was supposedly normal to have crushes and attraction towards guys. But I don't think Ive actually had an actual proper crush on a guy and I feel as If ive been forcing myself throughout this whole time till now. I wasnt really a person who wanted to stand out and get called different so I just went with whats normal nd accepted in my environment. But when I see like a girl I find really attractive, I dont know whether it was infatuation or I was actually really attracted to them. Like Somewhere deep down Ive had these wants to hug them and even maybe kiss them... But as soon as I start having those 'lesbian thoughts' I instantly push it away and continue my force of attraction to guys. Its not like I was actually not attracted to guys at all, I find some of them physically attractive but when it came to getting to know them I still had a pretty hard time trying to somehow get emotionally attached to them. Or maybe I just havent met the right guy and found someone who was actually interested in me. I ended up going out with this guy who I found physically attractive and I kinda liked and he liked me back, but it was just one of those stupid short one month relationships cause he dumped me for another girl. The thing was, At the time thought I liked him. Whenever we met up though cause we go to different schools I didn't really feel any of those butterflies or whatever it was whenI saw him in person. I was just excited because he was my actual first boyfriend who liked me back. I even got my first kiss, which I didnt really feel anything, but I convinced myself that it was special even though it felt so wrong somewhere in my heart. But when he dumped me for that girl I guess I was pretty heartbroken, That he didnt really like me and I hate the feeling of abandonment, this probably sounds all stupid cause Im still young now but I just wanted to tell this because I was confused at whether I had feelings for him back then Throughout the course of three years Id have these on and off thoughts about being gay but I was scared of the possibility because of what other people would think. Id sometimes even have these random thoughts that come out of nowhere where I picture myself kissing a girl, and the thought was so alien and scary I pushed it away. But now since more gay propaganda and the acceptance of gays is becoming more common, I started doubting my sexuality. I realised that I also had a thing for when I see lesbian couples on tv or shows and it would make me happy. O wondered what it would be like in their place. But again as soon as I have such a thought I instantly push it away and Id have this habit where I would constantly just check out guys to see if they were attractive or not. If I found them a little attractive Id try to force that attraction just to ensure Im straight. When I see 'normal' straight couples Id try to imagine myself with a guy but itd make me feel really wrong and sick Well eventually haha I broke and now two weeks ago I admitted to my closest friends I wasnt straight and they were very acceptive and supportive which made me feel so better about it But I had this gnawing guilt at me. i feel as if i can be honest to myself when I Imagine myself with a girl and I can see a future with. Its such a relieving feeling, though everytime now I look at my family and how theyd react and other people Id feel really sick and now everytime I look ar a guy I have this forced habit of trying to get attracted to them, and it makes me feel sick. I dont get it, did my habit of convincing I was straight for three years is just continuing on or is it that I can't fully accept that I'm a lesbian yet? Or is that I feell guilty hiding such a thing from people or could I maybe really attracted to guys at some extent.. Do I feel guilty that I want to kiss and date a girl?
I think you're in denial. From what I can gather, you're still afraid of what people would think. I think you've gotten into the habit of overthinking, and now that you are ready to stop overthinking, you can't because it has become a habit. It's hard to know what your orientation is because you seem very confused. What you wrote is the EXACT same as what I felt when I realized I was attracted to women. It's difficult but you should try and distract yourself. Try and accept your sexuality first, and after that the thoughts will still come, but when they do come try and distract yourself. That's what I did, I accepted my sexuality, but then once I accepted it I just got more confused, but then I realized no matter how much thinking I do I'm not going to "solve" it and I should just go with the flow. The overthinking literally made me sick, but once I managed to accept my confusion, things started getting easier and more clear.
Hello b4loop, welcome to EC. It's only you who can decide what your sexuality is but considering your habit of pushing whatever same sex thoughts away and forcing yourself to check out guys then yes, you seem to be in denial about being a lesbian. You can still be a bi but to be honest your "attraction" towards guys seem to be rather forced and not real, at least from what you said. Remember, just because you can find a guy physically attractive doesn't mean you're attracted to him. Just take your time and don't worry, you'll figure it out. (*hug*)
Thank you for the replies, it made things a bit more clear and I guess I'll just go with flow and see what happens
