1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How do we stay friends when I'm in love with her?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ClementineBlue, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. ClementineBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi,

    Long story short, I am head over heels in love with one of my best friends. Have been for a couple of years.

    I told her I had feelings for her at the beginning of this year and after a few months of "maybe" she said no. We've continued spending time together as friends, actually we've spent more time together, not less and there have been times where it has seemed as though something might happen between us but for whatever reason it hasn't.

    She's not had a relationship with a woman either though she has always identified as lesbian. Neither of us are 'out' and we are both Christians so faith complicates the issue.

    She doesn't want to date but she wants to maintain the friendship we've had. I'm trying to ignore my feelings and be the best friend I can be in the circumstances. I'm confused because while she doesn't want a relationship, she still wants to go out with me most weekends, invites me to a club she goes to, also to work events and at times there are vibes that she wants more but then she backs off. It seems like she's constantly hot and cold.

    I am getting to the point where I'm struggling to maintain my feelings and I don't want to waste any more time pining over something that's never going to happen. She has this cool, together exterior but is quite a complex person and the main reason I've held on so long is because I thought she might be scared to take the next step. There have been times where there were opportunities to take it further but because I didn't know if she definitely wanted to I didn't respond as I might have if I'd been sure. I also figured that if it was going to happen it would have happened by now.

    Also, I'm scared. This is the first time I've felt such a major attraction to a woman. My previous relationships have all been with men (including marriage and kids, divorced now). I don't know how to move on from here.

    I'd be grateful for any advice. Especially any stories of positive outcomes.

    Thanks for reading through this!

    CB xx
     
  2. FoxSong

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2014
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    1
    Honestly, it sounds like she still has some stuff to work through before she could be in a relationship with you (or possibly anyone..does she date other people at all?)

    It seems unlikely your feelings will simply diminish whilst you two remain so close as friends, so the answer may be that you just need some time and distance. It's going to be tough, but it will also probably be healthier for you rather than clinging to the idea of something that isn't going to happen.
     
  3. ClementineBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi FoxSong,
    Thanks for your response. She has not dated in a very long time though I know really wants to but it would be a massive step for her. I also think she'd prefer someone younger than me.
    I've tried to put my feelings aside but it's getting harder and harder to do that, especially when she seems to be building towards something happening between us and then backs right off. I'm afraid to broach it directly because I don't want to lose her as a friend but am beginning to question what kind of friendship it is. I have an important health appointment today and she has completely ignored it (after blowing hot over the last 2 weeks). It's made me wonder if I should be bothering any more or if I should start to create distance and allow us to each move on. I don't think the current situation is healthy for either of us and if I'm honest it feels like she's using me as a stepping stone.