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I would of never guess people thought i was gay.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LeanMeanGreen, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. LeanMeanGreen

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    so for years i was thinking im just your typical boy who played sports, plays videos games, and likes girls. etc

    But as i got older, its not obvious, but, im seeing subliminally people thinking im gay. Ive only went to ask one group of friends on them thinking if im gay or not and they said they never thought that. Sounds like im paranoid but im pretty sure they thought i was gay, based on their subliminal remarks that became very often after while, which made me more sure that they thought i was gay. As i got even older and went to college, i heard even more subliminal remarks. The funny yet annoying thing is that no one has ever asked me if i was gay or not ever since i came to realize that people questioned i was gay but when i was younger before, people did ask me but i honestly thought they were just joking.

    im sorry this sounds so painfully like paranoia i could go on and on about cases where people are gesturing toward me thinking im gay.

    ive been in a dorm of 5 with 2 guys who were gay even and ive felt comfortable and never had a thought of messing around with them.

    I guess my question is.. why do people think im gay when im not gay? this also might sound like denial and me just blocking everything out. but honestly, i have my own girlfriend and child now. i been with several girls, only had a problem getting it up twice and that was when i lost my virginity and also with the first time i had sex with my 2nd partner. almost happened with my 3rd partner too.

    im guessing it is my body language or maybe the way i talk..? i always thought i was normal. i wish someone would be brave enough to ask me so i can ask them on why they think that, because i want to fix whatever it is that makes people think im gay.
    sorry this is so long, i just need to talk to someone about this because i cant go out or talk or be outgoing because i think whatever it is im doing makes me seem gay.
     
  2. Chip

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    Have you considered talking to, say, your former gay dormmates or other gay friends and simply asking them, point blank, if you've ever come across as gay to them? Without spending time directly in front of you it would be hard for anyone here to tell you what it is that other people are keying in on. Or, for that matter, whether it's your paranoia.

    I have to also raise the remote possibility that there could be something to it and you could be in denial. I see nothing based on what you've described that would lead me to believe that, but I've seen and talked to plenty of people that start out the way you are (and married with kids and always had girlfriends and all), and the more it's discussed, the more it's clear that they're gay and in the early stages of breaking past the denial. Again, not saying that's the case, but simply looking at it as something that we probably can't 100% rule out at this stage.
     
  3. LeanMeanGreen

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    doesnt sound like a bad idea, and ive thought about it. but ive always been on the defense because i had a ounce of thought maybe people dont really think im gay, then itll look like im gay and been covering it up but yet paranoid. which sounds dumb now that i say it. if im so sure people are thinking this of me then it should be ok to ask.
     
  4. Steve FS

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    My best advice would be to record yourself in conversation with someone and be as natural as possible, and then watch it. You'll be able to tell for yourself what other people see. It's often the way you talk, or the way your hands move, or your resting posture. It's tiny things that people catch up that make them suspicious.

    In the end though, is it necessarily a bad thing for people to think that you're gay? If you're not, then you're not. It's better to just be yourself and live your life than to try to fix every little behavior you have.

    Like you said, trying to look manly only makes you look more like you're in denial.
     
    #4 Steve FS, Dec 15, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2015
  5. Chip

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    The recording might help, but I don't think it will be very effective if he doesn't clearly have an understanding of the subtlety (gaydar) that gay people pick up on.

    There are a lot of people who have posted here over the years that were absolutely convinced that no one could figure out they were gay, but then, when they came out *everybody* knew before they did. People can be in complete denial of things like mannerisms (which can be really subtle).

    Now, of course... mannerisms, interests, careers, speech patterns, and all of those things are stereotypes and not everyone who meets some or most of those are gay... but an overwhelming majority of people who have those attributes do seem to eventually come out.
     
  6. LeanMeanGreen

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    ive recorded my self plenty of times and never really seen it honestly. but it might be worth a try again.

    and my old gay roommate has pointed out past partners of his and alot of people would of never thought that they were openly gay. And he wasnt lying since he came to the dorm a few times to spend the nights. This situation has happened with other men as well. He has a taste for more masculine men. To be fair, i dont think gay men really have to be so feminine to be gay.

    i also did a test last night with porn going from the normal stuff i watch easing my way by then going to she-male solo > she-male on guy > to guy on guy. by time i got to the guy on guy i was really at the point where i had to force myself to stay focus to truly see if i would get turned on or not and it ended out me just being uncomfortable.
     
  7. Patagonia

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    Okay. Let's just say there's a TV show, "Gay or Not Gay." And the expert panel of judges determines yup, you're gay. Millions of viewers text in and 10 to one say you're gay. OK. Now what? What do you do? Leave your girlfriend? Start looking for a boyfriend? Ridiculous right? Just as ridiculous as worrying about what anyone thinks. Or thinking you can figure this out by what type of porn arouses you. Sure, it weighs on your mind. It bothers you that people would think you're gay and you're insulted by that. You can't figure out what's going on in their head. You have to ask yourself why you are so insulted by this. I think that will help you figure this out much better than doing a porn test as if you were getting an eye exam.
     
  8. LeanMeanGreen

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    yeah i guess youre right. Its just the whole thing about "being straight is the right thing to do" being programmed in everyones minds, i thought maybe i was just trying to force my self to be straight and was successfully doing so over the years, so i guess it was just an experiment.

    Something about me in general, i dont mind what people think about me, only if its truth..

    If there is a bad rumor that i pick my nose and i actually do, i would not care one bit.

    If there is a rumor saying that I had a chance to go to the olympics and i really didnt, i would correct them.

    If i considered myself gay, and people think im straight, id be sure to address that im gay.

    So my thing is, it was the point earlier when i didnt even realize people questioned if i was gay and i thought they were just joking and name calling like kids usually do. to now girls thinking of hitting on me and the girls with her point out that i am gay before they even get to know me preventing her of approaching. (i hadnt realize they were talking about me till after i heard all of this from a distance while horsing around with my friends)

    Ive even had exes even tell me, "ive always thought you were a little fruity" (after telling them one of my roommates were gay.)

    I dont mean to rant on cases where people questioned me, it doesnt happen everyday or anything but it happens.

    But i do get what your saying, i am who i am at the end of the day no matter what people say. in my head and through my eyes, i like women. when i asked my friends about if they were trying insinuate if i was gay or not they'd rebuttal with the fact that i was one of the horniest guys they knew. were they saving a friendship or were they being honest and i was being paranoid the whole time, ill never know. but im pretty sure they were just trying to keep me happy.
     
  9. omgwhatishappen

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    First off, I relate sooooo much to your post! I want to be very gentle with you, because I can tell this a big issue for you (as it was for me).

    There is a little bit of a contradiction in your post.

    You initially say: "no one has ever asked me if i was gay or not ever since i came to realize that people questioned i was gay but when i was younger before, people did ask me but i honestly thought they were just joking."

    In my mind, this means that your current day-to-day life isn't filled with anyone asking about your orientation - you only receive 'subliminal' messages.

    Then you say this: "I guess my question is.. why do people think im gay when im not gay?"

    If your question really is, "why do people think I'm gay when I'm not gay," then it doesn't seem like this should be much of an issue anymore. From all the info that I gather, this seemed to be a 'problem' that you dealt with when you were younger. Now, it only seems to be something that you pick on 'subliminally.'

    If my analysis is 'right,' then a low-level of paranoia may just be your issue. But what really is paranoia?

    There are lots of reasons to be paranoid, and I would say that many of them do not conclude with the potential that you may be gay. For example: you could be dealing with a litany of self-esteem issues that force you project your own insecurities into the minds of other people. Since no one is actually saying anything to you, there is no way to confirm or deny this hypothesis.

    In my experience, I sought psychological help for my own manifestations of paranoia. I began seeing a therapist, and began to talk openly and honestly about the things that were popping up in my head and essentially prohibiting my happiness. As I said, this is just one option that worked for me.

    I will conclude with this:

    There is no list of material possessions, no catalogue of ex-girlfriends, no marriage, and no amount of progeny that can 'deter' you from being gay (or can be used as a measuring stick for your sexual orientation).

    In other words: I played sports, I was a gamer, I dated women for a decade, and I went about my life without even a thought that my sexual orientation would change. I considered myself nothing but a heterosexual... until I didn't anymore. For me, it was that simple... and mindblowingly confusing.

    I am happier now than I have ever been.
     
  10. LeanMeanGreen

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    i dont think anyone could have dug in my head any better.:thumbsup:

    sorry on the confusions of while i was a kid, its just the fact that when i actually realized people were questioning if i was gay or just knew. I went down memory lane to where when i ,for a split second, had to see if someone was just joking about it or not and at the time i was just 100% sure they were joking.

    But now when you say this "you could be dealing with a litany of self-esteem issues that force you project your own insecurities into the minds of other people. Since no one is actually saying anything to you, there is no way to confirm or deny this hypothesis."

    is very true, i have been diagnosed with social-anxiety last year, the whole people think im gay thing was in my head still, but not as much as my trust issues with my girl friend, every time i walked campus it was which guy did/is she messing with. Are my roomates going to mess with her behind my back? It got really, really, bad. I even thought her and her best friends were gay together.

    And my head is still sick like that because i still think, "you never know"

    so i guess anything with some kind of grey area with what people think and things that are out of my control could potentially bring me to think of crazy conclusions, because i guess i like to know things before anyone else, especially when it is about me maybe, i really dont know. There are quite of few more instances not as serious when it comes to these problems that are being possibly made up in my head.