obessing over what my sexuality could be? its driving me crazy

Okay, I have been on this site before trying to get some insight about my own sexual identity through reading other threads that sounded remarkably similar to mine. However, I felt the need to make an account of my own and get some shedding of light though my own personal circumstance. I am going to try to explain this the best way I can, but it may come across as scattered and crazy because my thoughts are all over the place. Anyway, Well, I am an 18 year old girl who is currently a freshman at a community college. Before that, I was raised up going to a really christian baptist school, from kindergarten to high school. My mom is a really devout Catholic Christian, as well as my aunt, and through schooling and learning about the faith I considered myself a Christian.

I was always taught about the various type of sins, and being ingrained into my mind that homosexuality is an abomination and unnatural to God's original creation and purpose to be followed; Adam and Eve and their coming together. I really believed it, and I would profess my views of being against gay behavior , and that it is a choice...but all throughout that time, I had that deep, inner doubt of possibly liking girls, but I denied it to the point of conditioning myself that I am straight, and those are demonic thought from the enemy, just as my mom would say. When I was little, I never really had any crushes on much of any boys that I could recall.

I do remember crying a boy who was my best friend, and he didn't want to be my friend anymore it seemed I was, however, raised in a household of two other brothers, and being the only girl. So, I went through a tomboy stage of liking only boy related things and dressing very guyish, being I was raised with only brothers. I only liked being around boys and being friends with them. I was, for some reason, never that comfortable with girls because I didn't have anything in common with them. I remember having my first worry about being gay when I was 8 or 9, and it made me cry. And that time, ever since I was 5, my oldest brother had a girlfriend who was really sweet, and I grew much of a liking to her. My mom would tell me it was because I looked at her as a big sister I never had, and I did remember telling my mom if we could adopt her as my sister.

My mom would also tell me I had no issues with being possibly gay, when I would confront her about it, because of the fact I used to be so smiley around my brother's guy friends, and I remember using to be curious about what the male anatomy looks like, I recall drawing naked men (being I loved drawing) at a young age. Then, i remember in my 5th grade graduation growing a liking to a kid in my class named danny, who when he hugged me after the end of the year, it felt nice, because in my mind I was thinking (yes! a boy hugged me). Another thing I remember is having to change for gym as early as 5th grade, and the changing rooms were in the classroom.

Changing with the girls didn't make me feel weird or anything, and I didn't think much about it. I would just change and get out to wait in the seat of the classroom, i hopes out of curiosity, to get a little peak of the boys changing in their room when one would open the door (seeing them in their boxers). I always had that curiosity. Moving along with my brother's girlfriend, The thing is, while I may have looked up to her, Im pretty sure I had my first girl crush on her. I loved it when she would pick me up and hold me, and I think I remember fantasizing about being in her arms or giving her a kiss of that nature. Just innocent stuff from what I can pick up. I even remember having a samse sex dream with her in it, which invoked some anxiety, but then I forgot about it. Fast forward to 11 to 12 years of age, I encountered not pornography, but videos on youtube of two girls kissing and groping each other.

When i encountered it, I felt so drawn to the videos, and I felt th need to watch more. The act of them kissing made me feel tingly down there, and that's one of the earliest times I think I've felt aroused. Moving forward, I still never felt any strong crushes for anyone...I was still a tomboy and I liked being around boys, even though some of them used to be mean to me. I didn't think about being with any boy. I didn't care to not up until 8th to most of high school. This new boy along with his sister came along as new students to the class, and I started to be friends with them. He was the first guy I had such an intense crush for (14-17yrs) . So intense and obsessive, that I would have such strong desire to sit near him, and hope he would have assigned seats next to me.

I remember getting butterflies around him, and feeling tingly when his arm would be touch mine, and getting all tingly down there too. Those arousing and excitable feelings shortly went away when he told me he didn't like me back, but my feelings were still strong of him in the emotional/romantic sense. I dreamed about a future with him, and would get crazy jealous over him when he was with another girl. My thoughts of him were never really sexual at all. Just dreaming about holding his hand and being close to him. Dreaming of the day he would like me back, but at the same I was so insecure and scared of relationship too.I realized if he were to actually ask me out, I would probably have chicken out. I just enjoyed mu thoughts about him texting him, and crying over him at various times. During this time thoough, the same sex doubts creeped back more noticeably.

It was about age 15 or so, I really start to had that doubts, but suppressed them and fixated on my emotional craziness over the idea of being with my guy friend. I remember being friends with this girl, and thought she was so nice and pretty. I would smile if she complimented and told me she loved me (as a friend). It was one day while she was talking to me, I had this sudden urge of thought of wanting to kiss her and liking it. That thought bothered me so much, and i just said to myself, "these are just intrusive, unwanted thoughts and I don't really like them. Im a christian and all" but no, the thoughts never truly went away, but i just brushed them off as a hormonal phase.

I would still obsess about thoughts from time to time, and I was so scared of becoming a lesbian. I didn't want to be one! i wanted to end up marrying a handome guy one day, posting pics on social media and everybody I know cheering me on that Im with this hot, loving Christian guy. After having an obesssive guy crush on my friend, I didn't like any guy after that, and thats still the case. I was obsessed with the idea of guys liking me though, and i really wanted to feel attractive and wanted by them. I craved the attention from them.

There were several guys in high school who did like me, but i never liked them back. One i did find cute, but I never felt truly open and comfortable dating him and doing intimate stuff. I even felt bad and cried over rejecting him, because i didn't understand why i wouldn't give him a chance. he did have flaws, but he was definitely sweet and easy going. Honestly, when thinking about doing intimate stuff with a guy, it feels awkward to me. Im not repulsed or grossed out by it. I was and still have somewhat of a curiosity, but I truly haven't felt much of a really sexual attraction to any guys I know or celebrities, like other girls. Thats why I felt different from the other girls. Other girls would date a bunch of cute guys, and get all hot and trot over shirtless men, but I never felt that same way.

I think I just forced and convinced myself I did. not that I don't admire and stare at the male anatomy, but I'm not so heated over it. I would just admire their looks and obsessed over how attractive they looked, and then I wonder what it would be like if they would like me and date me. People would wonder why i never kissed or dated a guy yet, and I would just say that I'm picky and haven't found one who's a real christian and who I truly like, and of course they understood and believed me, as I was always looked as the "innocent girl".

Which i did believe to be true, but I was still doubting, and started to search the internet for the answers. I started to obsess over it, and saw the possibility of being bisexual, but i denied it. I figured you could be only gay or straight, and bisexuality didn't exist. So it brought me an initial comfort that I was straight after all, because I really believed I couldn't see myself in the future with a girl. only a guy...or maybe thats what I was brainshwashed to believe. to marry, and have a bunch of kids, but the idea was never weird to me. I did imagine it and remember telling a classmate I wanted 4 kids. (two girls and boys) at that time.

A little over a year ago, was when Im pretty sure I started getting crushes on girl celebrities. I would convince myself these were just admirations, as girls do admire others girls beauty. and while I would admire their beauty, I did felt drawn to something about them. One were two singers from fifth harmony, named camilla and lauren. I did feel such an attraction to their beauty during that time, and ended up crying because It made me question my sexuality. I kept thinking about what it would be like to kiss and cuddle pretty girls like them, and the thoought appealed to me deep down and made me feel all weird, but i tried to deny it. I started to have fantasies of wanting to be hugged and touch by girls, and then I started to have the sexual thoughts that wouldn't go away.

Thats when i started to watch porn, and i was more aroused and intrigued by lesbian than straight. I tried to find the answers on why I was aroused by girl on girl action, and it brought some comfort to know that it was due to it being an erotic, stimulating act, and I'm probably just putting myself in the girls shoes....but deep down, i don't think that was the case but I felt a bit around thinking what it would be like do stuff with an attractive girl. Even if it was straight porn, the girl making moans and getting all turned on would turn me on, and not the guy whatsoever. the other girl crushes i would get was over kate winslet and cara delavigne.

I started to think of the womens body more beautiful and attractive than guys, at least in a sensual way. These thoughts would pop up telling me, "you like girly girls, and you like their lips and soft, tender features." I started to think of that as true, but again, i wasn't too sure. The short crush i had over cara delavigne was intense admiration and finding her so cute and having the sensation to want to hug and kiss her. However, that went away and i don't have that same feeling over that celebrity. at least, i don't think i do because I'm so focused on my anxiety and uncertainity. the other was like i said, kate in the titanic. I did feel so attracted to her as rose in certain scenes, like her beautiful, sweet eyes and chest, especially in the scene where jack is drawing her naked, but they of course don't actually show her naked.

I did think jack the character was attractive, and thought what it would be like to have a guy like him in my life, but i was so focused and attracted to her, and thought about her naked. I would say these attractions to these celebrities lasted about a week, and these definitely increased my anxiety of possibly not being straight at all. I looked up my issue and fears on the internet, and saw HOCD, the fear of being gay, and that you can straight and just fear of being gay even thought deep down you have no desire to...i initially thoought, yup, that has to me! because i don't want to date a women. I want to spend my life with a man! these are just the ocd thoughts getting to me. i don't like girls and the reason i don't like guys right now, is because i haven't met the right one and haven't dated any. maybe i just have a low sex drive too being I don't have the urge to sleep with anybody

But still.....the worries kept creeping back. I noticed I was and still is, terribly shy around girls i find beautiful. I thought it was probably because i feel inferior to them, but i don't think its normal to feel so anxious. Like, i desire to feel pretty and be liked by these attractive girls, almost as a shy guy who's shy around pretty girls. Im naturally a social anxious person, and i can be shy aroundd everyone. I am shy around attractive people in general, but with girls its more extereme, and I'm not really thinking about anything sexual, as I'm not a consistently really sexual high person to begin with. One case where i felt strange in real life, was when i went out with my dad. we were walking around the mall, and i went into sephora. this girl was around my age and persisted to help me out with a few products, and she was extra nice with me, and for some reason, i felt strange and attracted to her. i thought if something in my mind, thinking she was flirting with me, and then i started to think about kissing her out of no where...i started to worry and realized i wanted to get out of the store asap to get my mind collected together. because i felt so strange and confused I didn't start crying until i was in the car with my dad, and he couldn't understand why i was crying out of no where. i couldn't tell him my thoughts in the way i actually felt, so i kind of lied.

The next thing that happened was when i was signing up for community college at the campus, and i was sitting next to a girl who i found really cute the moment i saw her. I felt so uncomfortable sitting there for some reason, because i was so shy. she started a short conversation to me and this other girl,and its almost as if i couldn't look at her in close proximity at her eyes or face. it was terrible. but at the same time, It felt so nice sitting near her, and from my peripheral vision, i was kind of checking her out for some reason. After that, i cried when i got home in my room, wondering why this is happening to me. why am i having this doubts if I truly am straight? if i was straight, i wouldn't be having all these doubts for such a long time. plus, i would be disgusted and turned off by the thought of kissing or being intimate with a girl, but nope. the thought of those things, especially cuddling a curl who's soft and tender, seems more appealing than a guy, not that i find guys gross....but I notice I'm growing indifferent to guys and not feeling anything magnetic.

like i don't care. first i thoought i was lesbian, asexual, bisexual, even aromantic, bicurious, possibly demisexual.... but the the thoughts I've had in the past prove otherwise, i just want to be accurate and not lying to myself. I find myself checking out girls in public a lot...and guys too. with guys though, I'm not thinking of them sexually, just the aesthetic wow he's really hot. maybe i wonder what it would be like for them to like and date me. yet, i feel drawn to certain girls, but i don't know the attraction is real or not, or if I'm now forcing myself to like girls lol (i know, crazy) i kept searching, and felt the curiosity to watch some coming out videos on youtube, along with other gay related things. one of the videos i saw, was a buzzed video about a girl questioning her sexuality..watching that really hit me because it felt so relatable, so i cried.

The most previous one i watch that somehow peaked some realization to me, was a music video of a song called, "girls like girls" their friendship in the video looked so precious and beautiful, and it showed that they were indeed attracted to each other...it started to open up the idea that I'm not straight...and it was in that moment i had such intense sadness for almost the whole day.i felt so lost and emotional. i thought yep. this is it. I'm gay. like i finally accepted it but the sadness overflowed my body.

But not too long after that, being a lesbian didn't feel like the right label to me, because of those occasions of noticing guys and having that intense, emotional/romantic crush on my one guy friend. then i thought to myself...who cares about labels? and it brought comfort finding out sexuality can be fluid...howeevr, that wasnt enough. i still feel the need to know. for the past 2 months, i have also been straying away from the christian faith (for other reasons besides this), and have become more open minded. it wasnt until recently when i finally felt some joy accepting the possibility that i can fall in love with anyone, and that i might be bisexual. before i had such intense fear of befriending pretty girls, for the possibility i may fall or crush for them. i came out with my thoughts to two friends, and they were accepting. the thing is, telling them this i felt weird too. it was a sense of relief, but a sense of thinking, "what if i truly don't feel this way and I'm straight after all?

I'm just putting and act, seeking attention, and wanting to be special" thats when the anxieties keep creeping in. that I'm not genuine and ill never figure out who i am. it went from being non accepting to gays, to not being for all gay rights and marriage. now, i seem really into the gay community and want to fit in, but i don't feel I'm gay enough or I'm just lying about it. I've accepted of not being straight, but i really want to make sure I'm not. its like now, i went from wanting to be straight, to being indifferent and feeling better if i wasnt straight lol. isn't that weird? thats what i don't get. I tend to be a reserved thinker, and i never stop thinking and obsessiing. I've had tendencies to obsess over other issues as well....but there must be some reason I'm feeling this way. Now I'm okay with both genders flirting with me, and I like the idea of a cute guy or girl liking me...and complimenting me. but overall, i feel much more social anxiety around girls my age, than guys. with guys its there, but idk, it feels a little different.

Overall, i know this post is soo long, but i need to express everything that has gone on in my life, to hopefully get some real accurate advice. every situation and feel. i tried to explain this all the best way possible, and there are probably some grammatical/sentence errors that may not sense, but I'm not going to bother to revise this whole novel haha. i just typed as i went along to discuss the mess in my mind thats affecting me tremendously.i really do need help. i hope to get as many answers as i can. thank you.

 

Update: still feeling on and off. It's weird. I'll have one moment or day when I feel a sudden burst of contentment and confidence in calling myself exclusively gay/lesbian, and then the next day I feel this nagging little anxiety that makes me doubt all over again. I'll come on this site again for answers for my doubt through other, older threads, and feel an initial comfort, but it does not stay like that. Of course, the simplest and most rational thing I know to think, is to not think of my sexuality as the most important priority that must be labeled ASAP, but it's just saddening that I have such an identity crisis with myself and my mind complicates everything.

I was, again, reading different opinions of different issues regarding what constitutes sexual attraction and admiration, asexuality, etc, because my mind keeps going back and forth on whether I just admire girls, am attracted to them, or both. The reason asexuality pops in my mind, because I don't neccesarily feel what other people feel when they see an attractive person in public. I am a socially awkward and shy person to begin with, so Im nervous around everyone, especially people who are attractive. Ive usually found myself more self conscious around pretty girls, probably due to wanting to impress them and for them like me, and I tend to think they're secretly judging me, so I know that's not really indicative of my sexuality.

I also have trouble looking at girls in the eye, as with guys its a bit easier. Now that I-m open minded and questioning, i do find myself automatically checking out certain girls in public and wondering if they're bi or lesbian, and try to think of myself of going on a date with them and being intimate. It's like I'm assuring myself and making sure of my possible gayness that I'm willing and actually want to embrace. At the same time, even though I;m more drawn to the female form than male, Im currently not finding myself that urgent feeling of wanting to touch or sleep with them that other people feel when they get that sexual attraction? ( admit i don't really go out often and socialize myself, unless I have classes at my community college) At first, I thought sexual attraction is seeing yourself or liking the idea of doing sexual stuff with a person, but I guess not. I do desire romantic and sexual intimacy.

I have a desire to know what it feels like. And upon further thinking it does feel more passionate, soft, and sweet with a girl i really connect with and like. The thoughts of snuggling and feeling that feminine warmth. With a guy, I have always imagined myself being loved , protected, and cared for by a sweet guy (I don't know if that's due to heteronormativity from society or an actual want) and showing him off to friends and family, but the idea of doing sexual stuff or touching does not seem as interesting to me. I have always been intrigued and into that idea of that masculine figure watching over and making me feel safe. I couldn't imagine that same protective feeling with a girl, because girl lol. But now, my thinking has changed to that openness of feeling safe and protected, even with the same sex.

Despite them being a girl.Moving along, Before, I would just brush my lack of sexual attraction to guys off as, "oh, I'm just more reserved than the other girls and it takes a real emotion connection and falling in love with a guy to feel the sexual stuff", but it's not something I'm too sure of now. Furthermore,, What brings more confusion into the mix, was reading that having same sex fantasies doesn't really determine your sexuality...which didn't make much sense to me. I always thought if you have same sex thoughts, and seem to enjoy and be interested by them, it would be an indication. Most of my thoughts lately on dating have been mainly gay related, and even If I don't feel much arousal or strong "turn on response" , I do like those thoughts.

Whereas, before, I would try to block those thoughts when they pop up in my head because of always being taught of same sex thoughts being demonic and sinful. Reading more on determining sexual orientation, some say it's on who you crush on in real life, and the problem is, is that I haven't had much of any strong crushes on anyone in years. That makes me think that "oh, just because I haven't fallen in love and felt a strong sexual attraction to any guy, it doesn't make me gay! bummer. but.....just because I haven't fallen in love and felt a strong attraction to any girl in real life, it doesn't automatically make me straight" that is where I feel the most confusion and doubt. I guess that is why I need so much validation. What if I'm just that shy girl who's hesitant of relationships and intimacy in general? and i just haven't met the "right guy" (as my mom always says). That's why i don't feel right calling myself lesbian (despite feeling that sense of confidence boost from that label; moreso than bisexual), because what if I'm wrong? I would hate to come out, to only find out I was completely wrong and wishy washy. I like to be sure.

Besides, I do notice just as many attractive guys and girls, even though I don't really think of them in a sexual way (wanting to do stuff to them). I have this constant fear, that while Im starting to enjoy more the idea of finding an awesome girl and experiencing that first true love, that Ill end up actually feeling uncomfortable of dating the same sex in real life and having sex, to only lead the girl on and finding out I was straight after all, because I didn't enjoy it. However,....that uncomfortable feeling could also be getting used to a new identity and scene than what I was originally comfortable and brainwashed too (heteronormativity). But yeah, that is the MAIN fear. And of course, this stress and anxiety does not help where i feel I can't talk to any loved ones about this. I did come out as questioning to two friends, and they were very accepting and cool with it, they just didn't offer much of any helpful advice (well, any advice for that matter).

One happens to be bisexual, and the other, pansexual. I talked to my devout Christian mom about this again, and she started to preach to me on how it's perverted, gross, and an abomination it is..that God created me a girl meant to be with a godly man. That entertaining those thoughts is inviting "satan" to control and destroy me, and I'm inviting the "homosexual spirit" into my life. She wants to bring me to counseling, take me to youth group church meetings, etc. She had me watch several preachers speak out against homosexuality as a destruction to society and illness. My mom really dislikes the fact that Im very supportive of my older brother who happens to be gay and has a boyfriend. She doesn't like me hanging around them, and accuses their influences to my confusion lol. She called me all kinds of names because of my "nonchalantness and looking at my brother's gay relationship as normal" she even put her hands on me and proceeded to ask if Im gay myself, being Im into LGBT issues now and defensive of people who say hateful things against gays. She told me that she ever finds me talking to any lesbians, and entering that "lifestyle" that she'll throw me out of the house,because she refuses to entertain that demonic gay spirit.

When she got really angry, she said "Ill kill you and go to jail first before allowing you have a girlfriend under my roof" obviously I know she won't actually kill me lol. she's just dramatic, but her words are a bit crazy. I feel more invalidated when she's tells me that Im just seeking attention. That I don't know anything about love and commitment, and I wouldnt know because I'm immature, confused, and only think of myself. I guess maybe thats why I feel I can't talk to anyone else in my family about this..like my dad and two brothers (even my gay one) because I feel they too will secretly judge me as that teen who's going through a phase and is just seeking attention.

Because of that fact they did know that had an obsessive crush of that one guy friend to like me back when I was younger, to the point I would cry over him and be jealous. (interesting thing is i cried over the gay rumors about him, idk why, because quite a few people I know suspect my ex crush of being a closeted gay because of certain signs and his somewhat effeminate nature)Despite my brothers and dad not being religious and them being progressive/liberal, they probably have always looked at me as that innocent straight girl who's had that crush on one guy, and who expect me to find a guy.
All in all, I know reading this is a lot to take in. Clearly, I have a lot going on, and it;s overwhelming, despite my seemingly calm demeanor i display to all my loved ones. it's really taking a toll on me.

 

update: still struggling/questioning a bit. if at least..one person is patient and kind enough to read this whole mess i typed up a while back and give some advicce...that would be great

 

Oh wow, I was not expecting multiple replies. I'm happy I got a few, and they do bring comfort and Yeah, I would definitely say my religious upbringing had a great influence. When i was 15, i did join a christian forum because the intrusive, gay thoughts I was having..were bothering me so much. I had one person reply to me, saying being that i dont actually desire those thoughts, and am happy as being straight, that Im most likely suffering with HOCD. Because apparently the difference between that and a closeted gay person, is the closeted person secretly fantasizes and desires the same sex, while hiding their true feelings and pretending to be straight to please family. If that were the case, then I would be classified at the "HOCD" person. I guess thats another reason why im doubting so much and dont feel gay enough.

From looking at so many coming out videos, and reading stories..that the gay person knew all along..since they were young. That wasnt really my case. Because at that time, i just assumed and wanted to be straight so bad, figuring if i stopped seeking, and "put God first and prayed".. I would meet a guy one day that would make me feel what the other straight girls have felt all along..around me. Despite my lack of sexual attraction to guys and the confusion i would feel..if i had friendly, or more than friendly feelings for them. constantly wondering and obsessing..it t kinda made sense and brought comfort to know "yes! HOCD" yay im not bisexual or gay" at that time. . Idk why I had such fear of being anything but straight.
Anyway, It would be most assuring..or to "seal the deal" if i actually kissed or done something intimate with a girl. because many people know by either experimenting (even though I of course wouldnt feel comfortable hooking up with just anyone) or falling in love with the same sex.

Neither has happened to me, which makes it all so more difficult. Ideally, I would really much prefer and desire to feel that full sexual and romantic magicness feeling for a girl..than guy...thats if that ever happens to me. And its definitely difficult with the mild social anxiety I feel around people in the first place..to even meet people and sustain much friendships (being Im introverted AND have trouble keeping long conversations with those around me). I walk on campus/go to class and assume all the girls around me are straight...when theyre walking with another guy, or taken..or simply not interested because they dont really look my way (or maybe they are interested but are shy around me..who knows) lol. so gay dating definitely seems harder..especially when i hear these stories of falling for the straight girl..or the girl who gives off gay vibes but turns out to be..straight. so its like its you can never tell who is..and who isnt. So i guess the discouragement, shyness..all play into factor on why im not feeling any sexual attraction to anybody.

and the fact i cant stop going back and forth with things in my mind lol being lesbian feels simpler, because that grey, bisexual area sounds more complicated, and that bisexual girls arent taken as seriously. ( i know that sounds like a little biphobia going on there..I would have to work that out)

 

All of you guys are right, and have contributed with helpful stuff. I realize and know that my thoughts can get a bit carried away and can be a little irrational. Of course, there is no rush and nobody pressuring me lol or judging me..because they dont even know in the first place lol. It's all in my perceptions and assumptions. Like I said, some days are easier than others when I tell myself that a label doesnt matter right now.

Anyway, I have told my dad a while back that I "possibly like girls" . I was very hesitant in even saying anything..Like it was hard to even straight up say it without beating around the bush. When I asked if he ever suspected..and He just said that when he looked at me growing up, he didnt think or expect anything. He just thought of me as his ddaughter who he loves no matter what. He would never have the conversation of "oh when you date or a marry a guy.." or try to push anyything like that. He told me that he doesnt expect me to be with anyone I dont want to, or follow a certain, traditional path because that whats expected of me. What matters is my own happiness, and how I take control of my own life.

Now..with my mom who's really Christian (my dad isnt religious by any means, and my parents got divorced when i was around 16) she says prayers over me every night before I go to bed (I Just let her do her thing lol), and prays how Ill stay celibate until marriage and meet a godly man. And even when she doesnt pray, shell remind that I should transfer to a christian university instead of secular, in hopes Ill meet wholesome, wise, people with "morals"..and eventually settle with an intelligent, God fearing man who will provide for me and have kids with me lol. I havent officially told her or my aunt whos also pretty conservative that I'm "this or that" for sure. Only my doubts/questioning.

I could only imagine how my mom will react if i ever get involved with a girl. She is so close minded and stubborn, and truly has this hostility and and uncomfortable feeling when seeing anything lgbt+ related. She believes that none of those people exist, just perversion and confusion. That "anybody can choose a perverted lifestyle if they think about it enough" lol I wont even get into that. And to my brother who is gay and in a longterm relationship for 4 years with his partner, she is such denial about their feelings for one another. Shell just say that theyre "good friends who have confused brotherly feelings for more" that being he did have a girlfriend when he was younger, and did care and get emotional for her when things didnt work out, that hes truly straight, but "afraid and mentally blocking the openness to being with a woman" shell tell me that she still envisions him eventually leaving his "friend (as she likes to put it, she refuses to call his partner as his boyfriend) and settling with a christian woman and having 8 kids. The things she says, doesnt register to her as insulting...but my brother takes it very well and just lets her remarks go over his head and laugh it off.

Basically, by her explanation, that feelings for the same sex are always JUST platonic, and if one finds the opposite sex attractive, and like being around them, it must be attraction! and when i explain that what about platonic feelings for the opposite sex..and attraction to the other (like its some mind blowing concept)..but nope. in her stubbornness, shell just rebuke what i tell her and say Im too immatture..and just complicating things..like ive put earlier, she sometimes resort to name calling..but then apologize and say she just loves me, wants the best of me, and not have me "end up in hell". its a continuous cycle.

So, its really my mom I have to worry about...to have a gay son..now..a daughter?! lol for her that would be the worst horror story..and shell say im the cause to her health problems and stress.

Even though my aunt is devout catholic and against homosexuality, I know in confidence shes much less extreme than my mom.

When i came out to my dad, I told him to tell my brother (who's gay) about my struggle, and that Ill talk to him more in person about it. The conversation was brought up when I went out with my brother to the mall..by him saying "is there anything that has been on your mind, or anything you like to tell me?" very gently..not straight up asking "so youre gay?!"At first, he was kinda surprised because never in his mind, did he suspect me being anyting but straight. That I never gave him any vibes of that nature lol. ..and thats when my words started to get a bit jumbled, as it was difficult explainining my whole thought process. He said for him, he just always knew since he was little, but hid it to the point of deep denial (hence the girlfriend). It was obvious the way he would react to attractive guys, the ones that fit his type, as hes very visual. Thats when he asked me if i Had a certain type, and if i react or get sort of feelings for people just looking at them..and I said no. its not as simple as that, and im not visual like him. We continued the conversation through text when i got home, and he had trouble understanding..because his sexuality was pretty obvious and clear to him. He never questioned it, just hid it. but he realized that he has friends who fall in the grey area. All he said was to worry about meeting friends and making connections, not so much focusing on one significant person. That whoever I make a connection with best, be it..man or woman, hell be happy for me. So, that went well.

I should probably tell my other older brother...soon..because he has no clue. I just dont know when or how, until maybe im dating a girl..or before that. Hes not religious and has nothing against homosexuality, so i know that even though he may be shocked, hell be cool with it. I know theres no rush.

as for joining anything lgbt related...well, my campus has a straight-gay alliance group..and I was thinking of joining that group next fall, when they have the introductory booths of all the groups you can join in the beginning of the year. Ive also been very interested in taking a human sexuality class as well, because im very into the topic and im sure it will be helpful

 

my brother never really came out to my parents. he just kept it to himself and openly dated around, until he found his current partner and introduced him to my family very casually. and oh yeah, my college is very accepting of lgbt people; a lot of diversity on my campus.

I just started my summer classes today, and i did notice quite a few cute girls in my class that ive glanced at..and one guy, but i was like..more focused on the girl...but i wouldnt know if its any big attraction or not...its really hard to tell because its been such a long while since ive heavily crushed on someone..if, at all..i guess i need to stop checking myself in public, comparing the attractive girls and guys and seeing if im attracted to them..or just find them pretty to look at. haha its very annoying. i know i do like people watching and observing everyone around me. the biggest issue i have is all this questioning that ends going to a waste, because what if i fall for a guy (.. i guess anything is possible?). i would feel..great..what am i, straight now? i dont want to be straight. all this coming out for nothing and people will assume im just straight and went through a phase..bascially, proving my mom right -_-. that's why i hope i do end up falling for a girl, so i have validation and proof...even if it may sound weird.