Hi! This is my first post on here, and I feel like I needed to come to a community where maybe others have been in a similar situation and maybe could offer me insights. So here's what's been going on in my life. I've pretty much assumed that I was straight for my entire life. I never had much experience with boys except for one minor boyfriend last year, but I just assumed. However, this past summer, I noticed that I had looked at maybe one or two girls differently. I had never done that before. And it was just like a mild crush, like, "WHOA you're so cool and pretty let's be best friends pretty please." I didn't do anything with them, though. Okay so then time passes, right. And I develop a crush on my best friend (who happens to be a lesbian). I didn't previously think I was anything other than straight; it came out of nowhere. I just started thinking "Wow I want to cuddle with her and fall asleep in her arms and be around her a lot and do lots of things with her". It sort of shocked me, honestly haha. Not very long after these thoughts started popping up, I told her about the thoughts I had been having. And she apparently also had a major crush on me. I made it clear to her that I had never questioned my sexuality before, and didn't know if I was really into girls, and that I really didn't know what the future held. So she knew everything. Despite that, though, she agreed that she would be glad to be my experiment, ha. So fast-forward to the current day (like 3 months since we admitted our feelings): We both really like each other. We're really good friends, and love each other's souls. We cuddle and make out a lot, ha. And we're very open with each other. We both are interested in the same things and it's great and we talk all of the time. However, I get random bouts of anxiety because I'm afraid I'm not ultimately attracted to her sexually. I don't know how to tell if I'm ultimately attracted to her sexually or not (since I could still be easing myself out of the closet, and slowly coming to terms with this new gayness of mine). When we first kissed, I didn't know how to feel about it (but she was also my first kiss ever, so I didn't know how to kiss at all). And when we first cuddled, I was torn between loving it (I fell asleep in her arms) and wondering if it was right or wrong. The second time we cuddled, though, it was an extreme experience. Okay, like, it's not normal cuddling. I was talking to her about it and she said "You do know that the way we cuddle is not how everyone cuddles, right? Like most people don't feel so connected when they cuddle. But, like, the sounds we make when we cuddle are normal people's sex noises." We describe it like we are "fusing gems" because we cuddle so tightly, it almost feels like we are one being. And it's pure bliss. And this 2nd cuddling experience was when we did that. And it was such pure bliss, like it's hard to explain. And I could feel my muscles ache because I just wanted to be closer and closer to her. And I thought "Wow you can't really be straight if your joints are literally aching to be so close to her". And so we held sort of a friends-with-cuddling benefits thing from then on. And then we had our first kiss that night, and it shocked me, but I found myself thinking about how smooth her lips were in the following days. They were really nice. So even though it shocked me, I ended up liking it. We kissed again, though, and I still didn't know how to kiss or really even want to but I forced myself to kiss her because I wanted to feel that spark ignite because I thought that would mean I'd know if I was gay or not (I've been informed that the spark isn't always there during all kisses from lots of my friends, and that doesn't necessarily mean much, but I didn't know that at the time). But anyway, I didn't feel that spark. So I was like, "Gah, I can't be gay, then." And we tell each other everything, so I told her about it. And she got sad, but she's a sincere, kind human being and consoled me by saying she will love me in any way she can--whether it's friends or more. However, we still cuddled, and enjoyed it, and "fused together like gems". And one night we were cuddling on my couch and I looked at her and it just felt right to kiss her. So I did. And we made out for quite a while. I don't know that there was anything sexual happening with me at that point, but I know that we were staring into each other's eyes and caressing each other's faces and it seemed natural to kiss her. And at least platonically, I really enjoyed kissing her. And she started kissing my neck, and I sorta felt like I was on a cloud; it was a wild experience. I definitely felt not-too-straight after the neck kissing haha. (I'm sorry this is really long, I just want someone to be like "HEY I RELATE TO PART OF THIS" and tell me their thoughts because I'm sorta lost.) And then I think maybe we made out a time or two after that, and it was nice, but I still didn't know if there was much there sexually for me. And I got anxious, because I get anxious a lot when I have time to overthink about the whole "Am I gay or not, will I end up hurting her if I'm straight" problem. So I told her that I didn't know how I felt, but that I thought we should take it slower, get back into just cuddling and talking. And she was fine with that. Then we ended up in her bedroom one night and this was after I told her we should take it slow. And we just ended up making out so much again (I initiated it I think, ha. So it wasn't her going against my wishes). And she ended up on top of me and I don't even remember how long we made out but it felt like it was forever. And I felt a lot more sexual then than I ever have. Like, she kissed my neck relentlessly for many, many minutes, and I thought I was going to explode. And she found a couple of "gay spots" as I call them, because they make me feel very not straight, ha (my neck is one of them). And I loved kissing her, and it was all very wonderful and made me feel very good and, uh, not straight ha. And since then we're still in a label-less relationship, but we sort of treat each other like we are dating. There are good morning texts, good night texts, going out to get coffee, talking all of the time, etcetera. And even though it should be good, and even though I should just go with it, I sometimes just get a lot of anxiety over the uncertainty of still not really knowing if I'm gay or not. Because I don't always pine for her. I don't always feel so "gay" for her (I'm using gay as a blanket term. I just use it to mean "not-straight"). However, when I'm with her, I don't worry, and I'm in the moment, and we kiss and cuddle and it's great and I love the feeling of falling asleep in her arms. She sorta feels like home; she's a big comfort to me. It's when I'm not around her that I get anxious. I listed all of the good things, though. Some things make me feel like maybe I'm not gay. For instance, when I dated my first boyfriend, I sort of felt, like... passion with him. Infatuation, if you'd want to call it that. And I don't really have that with this girl. However, she makes me happy in a really calm, serene way. A really nice way. And that boyfriend was a total screw up, anyway. Sometimes I wonder if that passion, that infatuation, is necessary for a relationship. Because she's really good and worth it, and if it's not necessary to be in a relationship, I'm not sure, but I don't think I need that passion. I think I'd prefer to have a lifelong companion where we love each other. And if there's not that wild, passionate love, I think I'd be okay with that. However, if it's a sign that I'm gay, I want to know that, too. (Although, sometimes I have spent considerably large amounts of times daydreaming about her. Does that count as infatuation?) Sometimes I worry it's more platonic. It's confusing because I've done a bit of research and platonic cuddling and kissing are a thing, so it's hard to decipher if I like it because I just like cuddling and kissing her, or because there's something sexual there. Or she'll describe how much she loves me and I get nervous because I'm afraid I won't be able to reciprocate those feelings. Or that for some reason my mind is making this up and I'll have to break it to her one day that I don't feel that way too, and hurt her. Mainly, I'm just worried that as we dive deeper and deeper into our relationship, I'll find out that I'm not gay and I'll have to hurt her. That's why I want to find out as soon as possible. But if I am anything other than straight, be it pan or bi or whatever, then apparently it's this really slowly-peeling onion and I'm uncovering layers (i.e. I didn't like kissing her at first but now I love making out with her, as I've discovered as time has went on). And it sucks that I'm uncovering it so slowly, because I want to minimize the amount that I hurt her. Still, though, even when I'm doubtful and full of worry, I always seem to fill myself back up with hope. I mean, why is any of this happening if I'm straight? Wouldn't I be repulsed by the idea of kissing/cuddling/having sex with her if I were straight? (Not gonna lie, I've thought about having sex with her before, and I have not been repulsed.. I've actually liked the thought, ha..). Why did I randomly get a crush on her? And decide to tell her about it when I could've easily shut my trap, accepted is as a platonic crush, and said nothing. Why do I love kissing her neck because I know it makes her feel good if I'm straight? Why do I daydream about her kissing me and kissing my neck and why do I get uneven breathing when even thinking about her kissing my neck or the other "gay spots"? ha. And even through my confusion, there are still things that make me think I'm not so straight. For instance, I love holding hands with her. I love the feeling of her arms around me. I loved that time we cozied up and got drunk together and talked about our lives in my living room at 3 in the morning. I love the idea of making her feel happy and good. I loved when we were really tired but still kept kissing on my bed and I told her it'd be much more convenient to make out and enjoy each other without our shirts on, so we did. And when she sent me a bunch of articles about the fluidity of sexuality to help ease my worries and she said "really, no matter what gender your sexual partner is, it's all about if they could make you feel good. and I know I could make you feel good" and I kept reading it because the thought of maybe sometime in the future that happening sort of made me happy. And the thought of going out on dates with her and randomly going places at night and doing things we both love together makes me happy. So... like I said before, how could I feel any of that if I'm straight? Is it possible? She's so good and sweet and nice and I want to love her in all ways possible. I've always said that if I had the power to choose, it'd be her. She's wonderful. But I'm not totally sure if I am and if I can choose, and it makes me sad. And I'm curious if any of you--if you've stuck through this giant post--have any input. I'd appreciate anything greatly.
The only insight I can offer is this. You are tremendously insightful about your feelings. You are also very kind and compassionate. You said she is wonderful. Sounds like she feels the same way about you. Maybe you're just hoping your head will hurry and catch up with what your heart already knows. For me, I squandered so much time and so many relationships trying to rationalize and justify my feelings based on some standards that were imposed on me by society. Will you wake up one morning and say "Oh my god what was I thinking?!?!" Maybe. But that's part of life no matter who or what you are. There's an old saying, " we didn't know how poor we were until someone told us." If you lived in a place where you never heard the terms gay or straight. If you weren't bombarded with messages that a happy girl is happy because she is with a guy (who of course drives a BMW and drinks Miller Lite). And you met this beautiful woman and had these fantastic feelings, would there be this doubt in your mind? Honey, I've waited forever for my head to realize what my heart already knew. It's never caught up. I know this all sounds pretty silly but trust me, you sound like the most together person I've met. No wonder she loves you!
I think that you might be romantically attracted to her, but to me it doesn't sound like you're sexually attracted to her.. It sounds more to me like you get aroused by her touch and by the idea of doing sexual things with her, but I don't regard the arousal as an indication of sexual attraction to her. If you'd be sexually attracted to her, you'd probably know or would at least not be so anxious about if you are. However, I'm not you, you ultimately know better what you feel than some strangers on the internet. Take some time to figure yourself out and don't stress about it too much. If you keep on being honest to your friend, she'll at least knows where she's up against. However.. To me it sounds a little bit like she's madly in love with you and that she wants to keep you with her at all costs since she's using those articles to ease your anxiety and such. If being with her feels right and it works out for both of you, by all means, go for it. But keep in mind that you might not be on the same page as your friend and that that could cause some troubles.
I can definitely relate to the confusion. Anytime I dated men all I could think was "oh my God, I can't love him, I love women" and now I'm with a woman and I'm having the same thoughts. With men, there's passion. Men excite me in a way that women used to, but don't any more. I remember liking how peaceful I felt with women, it wasn't about fighting and crying and making up and having sex, it was about emotional closeness and affection. You shouldn't feel too bad for your friend, as you're being completely honest with her and she's still willing you help you through this. But you seem to be waiting for a sign that you truly are attracted to her, and I think that you'd know by now. I'm not saying you'd be in love with her already, but you would know if you're attracted to her pretty early on. You might be bisexual, you have a crush on her after all, and I think though you are genuinely enjoying your experience, and you love her in many ways, maybe it's just not there like you're hoping? I remember a counselor said the same thing to me when I was talking to him about my own confusion. It felt so good! And you are so right.
