I don't know what I am

Hi Ken,

Unfortunately no outsider can tell you who you are but let me give you a few points:

1) Sexuality is not binary or even discreet. Also it does not seem to be fixed either but can change. (However, you cannot consciously direct it to any particular direction.) It is also situational: for example homosexual behavior among straights has been widely documented in sex segregated environments such as boarding schools, prisons and even conservative muslim countries where single men are not allowed to interact with the opposite sex.

2) It is possible to have homoerotic dreams or even occasional fantasies even if you are straight so just having them does not automatically mean anything. However, if they are persistent and consistent then maybe you are bisexual or gay but it's impossible to tell just by that.

3) It is possible that anxiety, emotional trauma or depression may affect your perception of your sexuality and your sex drive. However, I am by no means an expert in that so you may want to talk to a mental health professional.

4) As an atheist it's a bit hard for me to take religious arguments seriously but having been very religious before I understand that it matters to you. Let me try this line of thinking: if you believe in God that is somewhat like us in a sense that he wants everyone to be happy, do you seriously think that he is interested in who you fuck and how often? I mean in a case where it is consensual and not abusive that would make either one party unhappy or sad? If you think he is such a prick that he has nothing else to do but monitor people's sex life and then give disproportionate punishments - especially when you cannot do anything about your desires, do you seriously want to worship a god like that? I wouldn't. You shouldn't respect and revere god just because he tells you to. If you want to worship him, it should be because you genuinely feel that he is worth worshiping.

5) You don't have to be feminine to be gay. I do know very masculine gays although I concede that the majority of gays I know are quite effeminate and that is the stereotype.

6) If I had to guess, I would say you might be bi-sexual but that is just based on what you have told. Naturally, you might be curious straight or repressed gay but it's up to you to find out.

I see that you are feeling anxious and helpless. I think Belgium has fairly good social security system so if it's possible for you, I would recommend you talk to a psychologist or a councilor.

I hope this helped.

 

You could be a heteroromantic homosexual- means you are romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men

 

Well, if it has been a long time and persistent phenomenon, you most likely are non-straight, maybe bi-sexual if you are also attracted to females too.

OK, I think you are confusing being submissive and being feminine. I'm sure you are aware that there is an entire sub-culture revolving around dominance-submission thing even in the heterosexual world. In there, it is fairly common that men want to be dominated by women. It is true that women tend to be more submissive than men in general but that doesn't mean that being submissive equals being feminine. This is just my kitchen psychology but I believe that dominance vs. submissiveness has more to do with power structures in your childhood than your sexuality or gender identity.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean being feminine or more female. True, a lot of gays are that way but not all of them. I don't know if I'm gay or bi-sexual or curious straight or asexual. However, one thing I do know and that is that I don't feel feminine at all. I don't behave or look feminine and I don't feel that the "girls' world" is at all interesting. Many of the gays I know feel the same way.

You are not alone with this dilemma. A gay friend of mine told me that there is a huge number of married men who have wives and kids who secretly seek gay guys for sex. They don't have any desire to be in a relationship with another man, they just seek sex with a man. It's possible you are romantically attracted to women but sexually to men.

We have a saying in my country: "One should try everything except one's family members (incest) and traditional dances." I think it might be a good idea you try. And if it doesn't fit you, don't feel bad that you did it. However, before trying that out, try to think what do you really want from the experience. Is it just sex with a sexy guy, plain and simple, or is it intimacy and more of a closeness kind of thing. This distinction is important as if you want intimacy then just a random sex encounter is probably not going to be a nice experience and would leave you in state of doubt.

There is no rush to categorize yourself yet. These things take some time to figure out.

By trauma I don't necessarily mean a single horrible event that gave you a trauma. Traumas can be caused by low intensity persistent conditions, typically in childhood but slowly developing adulthood traumas are also possible. For example, parental neglect can cause trauma even though it doesn't happen overnight. If you have persistent anxiety, it is most likely caused by something that happened to you slowly. It could be as simple as the conflict between your sexual desires and the requirements of your religion.

You must be obviously catholic. What makes you think that masturbating is a sin or anyway harmful to your soul? Because the Bible says so? Because your priest tells you so? Let me tell you something. There is only one unambiguous passage that condemns masturbation in the Bible and that is found in the Old Testament. The New Testament is completely silent on the issue if we don't count the passages that label sex in totality and in all circumstances as thing to avoid.

If you think that masturbation is a sin because the Old Testament says so, do you also think that wearing mixed fiber clothes or eating shrimp is a a sin? Both are prohibited in the Bible. If not, why would masturbation be a sin then? Is it a sin because your priest or the pope told you so? Can priests and the pope make up rules on behalf of God? Aren't they suppose to interpret the Bible, not to make up stuff? There was a time when the Pope said that the Sun revolves around the earth and now he says it doesn't.

Medical science and modern psychology see masturbation in moderation as a neutral or even a positive thing. (Obviously if your life is complicated by compulsive masturbation we have a problem.) So I'm telling you, keep doing it whenever you feel like and don't feel a shamed or guilty about it. Overwhelming majority of people do it at least occasionally - even married people.

One more thing about sin and sinning. What constitutes a sin? How would you evaluate what is a sin if you have no Bible in your back pocket or a priest around to consult? I don't believe in sin but I believe in ethical choices and this is how I make that choice. I ask myself: "Is any tangible conscious entity hurt or worse of because of this action?" If the answer is no, then the action is ethical. If the answer is yes, it get's a bit complicated but in case of sex and masturbation this one question is enough. I'm pretty sure God as an omnipotent can handle blasphemy, disbelief or even someone having unauthorized sex.

Just because you feel aroused by the thought of having a lot of sex with a lot of different people, it doesn't necessarily mean that you would actually enjoy it or carry it out. Anything that is forbidden becomes much more tempting irrespective do we actually want it or not. And even if you went on having a lot of sex with a lot of different people that in itself is not bad if you are not hurting anyone in the process and you enjoy it. (Please make sure you use adequate prophylactics to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies.)

However, if you did get stuck to a particular life style and felt bad about (not guilty about it) and yet were unable to stop, then I would advice consulting a psychologist as the problem would be psychological. For example, I know a girl who is literally willing to have sex with any guy after just a couple of minutes of persuasion. Sure, she enjoys sex but afterwards she feels bad. Her problem has to do with her need to be accepted and loved and she feels that the only way she can get it is through sex. Yet, since sex with random strangers is not very lovable experience she is disappointed every time. You see what I'm saying? Sometimes people do things without fully realizing why they do them.

People rarely regret things they have done, more often they regret things they didn't do.

If you have made up your mind to go and have a go with a guy, do it. Just do it in a way that neither of you feels bad about it. Perhaps you go to gay bar, find a nice looking guy, talk to him and explain your situation and ask if he would be willing to help you.

I don't respect faith. I respect people.

One more thing which I pretty much tell to everyone so I'm not saying you should absolutely do this. If you have persistent anxiety, neurotic behavior, depression or obsessive thoughts I strongly recommend talking to a psychologist. All of those things are normal if they happen sometimes. However, if they are persistent or long-term chances are that they won't go away on their own. In that case talking to a professional is likely to help. I have done it myself and found it very helpful. With a psychologist or therapist you can talk about things you would be to embarrassed to talk with your friends or relatives. It's a really powerful feeling.

Hopefully, I was able to relax your obsession with sinning and you don't feel so bad anymore.

 

you could always talk to your bro about it