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Am I in denial?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by beezlewub, Dec 19, 2015.

  1. beezlewub

    Regular Member

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    Hi all,

    Its been a long 3 years for me, going on 4 and I've been obsessively thinking about my sexual orientation for a while now, and I don't even know why...its not a big deal. My parents would (and they should) love me the same. But the label, Bi-sexual, Lesbian...just doesn't fit.

    I'll tell you why I've been obsessing.

    It all started after I went to gay pride. My ignorant older sibling scoffed at my attendance there, and he pretty much asked if I was a lesbian, I denied it. I didn't think too much about it at first, but when I went to bed that night, I started to think about whether I looked like a lesbian (forgive me, I know lesbians don't LOOK a particular way, I was pretty ignorant too back then), whether my thoughts, my actions were lesbian.

    I thought about the times I experimented with other girls when I was around the age of 7-11 (harmless stuff), and I started to think whether this proved I was lesbian, because I liked those feelings. It felt naughty and fun, but there was not much more. I would always play the "daddy" and maybe this meant I was a lesbian?

    But then, I couldn't be a full lesbian. I had crushes on boys, I still do now. Heart-stopping crushes, where I swooned over boys for hours, constantly checking their Facebook, wanting them to notice me, wanting them to date me. I never felt these feelings towards another girl, girls were friends.

    So maybe I wasn't a lesbian, but I could be Bi-Sexual. I thought of all of those times I took my dads magazines when I was younger (he had no idea) of topless women and I looked at them. I thought breasts were naughty and I guess I felt a little turned on. Around this time I had a imaginary boyfriend, but I didn't know (sorry if this is graphic) penises could be sexy. I'd never even seen one before, well...I found a pack of condoms and I saw a penis on the back of it, only I had no idea what it was...I didn't know what they were for.

    Then I went back to that time when I was around 17, when my friend was standing in our room in a towel and I just felt so weird, quite turned on. I didn't fancy my friend, I wouldn't want to kiss her or date her, but I have no idea why I felt a little turned on at that moment.

    Then the porn situation, as I've gotten older I moved from straight porn, to gay porn, to I guess female-oriented porn. Female-oriented meaning, women dancing or something. When I watch these scenes I always have to add a guy in there somewhere otherwise the situation won't feel sexy enough. When I fantasize I often think about guys with other people, mainly other guys, sometimes other women, but rarely. But I often put myself in the guys shoes, thinking about touching my male genitals, having sex with either men or women. I feel so weird saying this, but the thought of having a penis turns me on. I'm not comfortable with the idea of taking the role of a man I find attractive (actually an elaboration on my imaginary boyfriend, I know pretty sad), I'd rather be myself. But I can't ever fantasize about myself, with anyone, or even by myself. Maybe I'm taking the role of the guy? Maybe the guy is my true self? Only I really wouldn't ever want to have sex with women, in real life. It would be too awkward, too intimate, just not truly right, and if it ever did happen it wouldn't be a serious thing, it wouldn't be truly making love to me, no true feelings, just sexual pleasure.

    Sometimes, boobs turn me on too. Big, bouncy boobs. Or female butts shaking. I have no idea why. Its not necessarily the person attached to the boobs or feminine butt, its just the appearance of the boobs or the butt. Maybe I'm Bi?

    Its getting weird now. I can't feel normal. I know who I want to be, and I truly know who I am. I identify as straight and I know I'd be happiest being straight. I was before, I was so happy. I had no worries, everything was the way I long for it to be. I feel like I'm in denial because of all of these experiences. If I was Bi or Lesbian, I wouldn't feel...right. I can't explain, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable. Like you're being called the wrong name at school. Its an annoying feeling, and its affecting everything.

    When guys socialise with me, I get so nervous, so self-conscious, that I just shy away. I'm fine with girls, there are none of those feelings, possibly even slightly annoyed they talk to me sometimes, maybe this is because guys aren't my ideal mates?

    I just need something, anything, I'm so, so desperate to give me closure. I know I've said I'm straight somewhere in this spiel, but I don't truly feel it because of the given experiences. I should add I'm a virgin, and I've never kissed anyone apart from the times I've experimented when I was very young and those were with girls.

    I've even looked at my 2D:4D finger ratio to ascertain whether I have homosexual tendencies or not, and I scored positive for the homosexual as opposed to heterosexual score. This sounds ridiculous typing it out but I just don't know where I stand. Everyday I'm looking on google for clousure, typing in "Am I lesbian?"...Its driving me absolutely insane.

    I've typed a lot, but this is 3 years of overthinking and its all coming out like a gush of water. Thanks for listening if you did, please shed advice on finding out my orientation or any other advice.
     
  2. broberyn

    Regular Member

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    Hello, while I did not have the same experiences as you, I could see myself relating to some of the content that you posted. I am suffering about this too. Very much per say.

    Having fantasies is OK, they do not define who you are or what is your sexual orientation. The way you behave neither.

    There's something about the female body very sexy, it is natural that you feel turned on by it, there's nothing wrong with this feeling.

    One advice I have been trying to follow myself is: do not overthink this. It will only hurt you. Instead, go with the flow... If you feel like experimenting, do it. If not, don't do it.

    Hope it helps :slight_smile:
     
  3. beezlewub

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    Thank you, you've helped a lot! :slight_smile:

    It may be so simple, but sometimes you think things over in your brain and you lose sense!