Not just about sex

I'm not in a relationship, but I like to think that relationships are more than sex. Movies, walks, talking about whatever, buying each other gifts, cuddling, kissing, and probably many more things.

 

Here's my young, naïve perspective:
I like to think that relationships would be a lot more than sex. I mean, I really wanted to date one of my friends despite her being asexual. That was ok with me. I care so much more about romance, cuddling, dates, cute moments! I'm just a sappy dreamer like that, I suppose.

 

I guess that it boils down to how you feel about sex and relationships. I tend to believe that you can't have a relationship without sex but you can have sex without a relationship. It seems to me that you aren't too confident about yourself. Concentrate on being you and you'll find that romance. Good luck.

 

I'm not in a relationship, and I don't plan to be for a while. But it does bug me when people (especially straight people) say relationships are all about sex.

I just imagine, if we took a straight person, would they date guys if all guys had vaginas (but he still had a penis)? I have my doubts!

That's personally (partly) why I think I'm bi. It's because to me mostly I feel that if I were to have a partner they would have to have similar beliefs to mine.

 

I'm currently in an opposite sex relationship, so I'm not sure if my experience will be helpful to you, but here it is. (Although we're both queer, so its not exactly a straight relationship, either. Lol)

I'd say that while sex is VERY important to us, we are also extremely close friends, with a high degree of emotional intimacy. We tell each other about our lives and share our inner-most feelings, dreams, and fears. We support each other physically and emotionally. We cook and walk our dogs together. We go swimming, and out for romantic dinners, and to lunch with friends. We cuddle up and watch TV. Lots of stuff. We also make sure we both get space and time away from each other to pursue our individual interests, too.

So, yeah, not just sex.

 

I've haven't done anything sexual with my boyfriend yet, it's more focused around just being with each other, cuddling and playing games, that kinda thing ^_^
Sexual stuff might be appealing, but it doesn't make up much of the relationship for me

 

Yes, we do all sorts of things besides sex. Let's see...

Go to Costco, walk the dogs, go to movies, go to dinner, go to brunch, take drives through a local park area when the leaves are turning, go on cruises with his family, go to visit my family, take day trips to D.C., rake leaves, wash the cars, go the grocery store, watch movies at home, go to plays, talk about our days, prepare dinner together, go to Meetups or other social group events together, talk about our future (where we want to retire, if we might move there before retirement), discuss finances, visit with friends, etc. etc.

Bear in mind that we had sex within hours of meeting each other. For that matter, every relationship I've had (3 total, including my current one of near 20 yrs) started out as sex and then evolved into more than that. Mostly because I was willing to get to know the guy better after having sex instead of treating the fact that we had sex first as some sort of bar to getting to know him better.

Perhaps it's a generational thing, but I actually find it rather baffling that so many people here put sex up on a pedestal as some kind of supernaturally wonderful semi-cosmic thing to only be done with the absolute be all, end all love of your life...when really it's just fun with friction and no more meaningful than most other aspects of life and a lot less meaningful than some.

But to each their own, I suppose.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

If hookup sites are bumming you out, perhaps you could try sites more geared toward dating, such as okc***d or similar?

Just throwing that out there.

---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2015 at 06:52 AM ----------

Fun with friction, eh? Hahahahahaha

For what its worth, most of my relationships have involved sex within the first 1-3 dates. I kinda figure if the chemistry isn't compelling enough to have sex within the first few dates, it might not be strong enough. But that's just me. I have a fairly high sex drive.

I do wonder if the tendency of some of the younger folks here to put sex on a pedestal is at all related to all the abstinence only sex education that conservatives have been pushing for the last 20 years in schools.

Its probably a good thing that young people delay their first sexual encounters until they are mature enough to handle them, but I worry that perhaps people are becoming too sex phobic sometimes? Hard saying....

 

That's tricky to answer for me. I have relationships and I have hookups. Clearly the hookups are just sex. Relationships are more complicated. I don't tend to feel romantically towards people, and so my relationships are essentially friendship + sex. There's no real difference between the way I feel for my partners and the way I feel for my friends. But they do still involve companionship and love and mutual reliance. Relationships do have value beyond sex, yes.

 

RSVP is a reputable Aussie site that might be worth trying for you?

 

I'm gay and not in a relationship.
I don't think that hetero and homo relationships are different at all, it's just the people in the relationship's gender that is different, I'm not in it for the sex either, I had days wondering if I would even find somebody, but, I don't care about dating (well kind of) at this moment. But I think that society pressures people in a way, by the media, to think that relationships have to exist out of sex not love, and that isn't something that should be anybody's viewpoint on relationships at all.
It's the kind of thing that starts all the stereotypes of other people.
So I think you'll be able to find a relationship that doesn't contain any sexual relations at all, if the media doesn't skrew up everybody's thought by the end of 2016, but I highly doubt that.

 

Society and media have made this false perception of how important sex is. I think sex is apart of being in a relationship (for most cases), but it obviously isn't the only thing. I would think you would kind of know that tbh.

And love is love, so there isn't a difference from gay love and hetro love, and I don't really know why there would be. Relationships kind of mean different things for different people and it depends on what you want in a relationship.

There is always someone out there for you so don't give up, I hope things really do turn around for you.

 

Question: You say you've never been in love and don't understand romance. Not to judge, but that seems very uncommon for someone age 45. Typically people have felt at least some sort of romantic feeling - however fleeting or unrequited - by this point in life.

Again, not to be rude, but is it possible that you have asbergers or some other neurological condition that limits your capacity for emotional connection?

Alternatively, is it possible that you were so deeply in denial about your sexuality that you never allowed yourself to ever feel any of the romantic feelings you've had for men, and since you are also very gay, simply can not relate to hetero romance at all?

 

Quickly going back to the original question: sure, there's more than sex in a relationship.

In fact, you spend most of your time in a relationship NOT having sex. There's stuff like eating dinner, shopping for groceries, heated political discussion, talking about what the day at work was like, fighting over which show to watch...

And a surprising amount of the time, you're not even actively busy engaging. I'm perfectly OK with my BF playing a computer game while I'm reading a book. After a very busy day, sometimes all I want is to be left alone!

And that's about 90% of your time. Sex is heaps of fun (and not just limited to "doing it", there's definitely a lot of nudges, winks, in-jokes and buttgrabs that count as sexual). But it's not something you could do full-time even if you wanted to! (Even though I'll be honest enough to admit I'm usually not objecting to as much of it as is realistic )


Of course, all that other stuff sounds like you could do it with a roommate too. And in some ways, that's true. I do a lot of stuff like that with my friends too. Hell, some days I actually spend more time with my best friend than to my boyfriend.

But, the difference does indeed come with the added depth of mutual attraction and love. There's just something... special in the air when I'm with my BF.
I know that even when we're not actively doing stuff together, on some level, we're not far from each other's minds.
I know that if I wanted to, I could get his full undiluted attention at any time.
When we're in different places, I can just send him a "I hope you're having a nice day!" text, and he'll reply: "Yup! Likewise!". And I'll be grinning like an idiot.

Even five years in, on some level, I still am amazed: "Wow, this cool guy is actually chosing to spend his time with me! And he actually thinks the same about me too!"

And, as far as I can tell: all of the above is pretty much the same for homos and heteros.




I don't think you're necessarily emotionally impaired. A big part of love is vulnerability.
You have to be open to getting close to someone (and the risk of getting burnt if it doesn't work out). And for love 'as opposed to just attraction), you have to already know each other pretty well.

And when you're deep in the closet, you usually don't allow yourself to get too close to people. Except one or two best friends (and this is born the effect known as: "crush on a best friend". If they're 100% of the people you're close to, they're likely to be 100% of the people you crush on!)

So I think you're on the right track. Find interesting stuff to do with other people. Preferably gay people, but any people will do if it allows you to form connetions to people. Allow yourself to be out and seen, and not just on hookup sites! Eventually you will meet new friends and possibly someone to experience love with!

 

Well, with millions (nay, billions) of people out there, it would be a miracle if there wasn't somewhere who will like you!

That doesn't mean you'll run into the perfect boyfriend on your fist day out of the door. But if you meet new people, eventually some of them will have a lot in common with you (you have friends like that already, I'm sure!). Some of these people will be gay. And some of those will like you as possibly more than a friend!


And while some might disagree, I don't think you should wait until you're "totally ok with yourself" to get yourself out there.
Liking yourself is a work in progress.
When I first got out there, at best I was "resigned" to being gay. I wasn't trying to change myself back to being straight, and I had found a lot of acceptance, but it wasn't as if I had my entire life in order and had literally nothing else to do anymore. And then I ran into someone. And we became friends. And he wasn't totally OK with being gay yet either.

And somehow, we ended up cushing on each other. And giving it a go. And it worked out! Even if I couldn't imagine someone falling for a mess like me. But over the years, we got coser and grew both together and as individuals.


So what I'm trying to say is: don't only act when success is certain. There's many reasons to have faith that people who like you are out there. So pick things to do and allow yourself to run into them!




As for the second question: I've always found the best way of finding out if someone is gay is to be out oneself.
I can't be bothered to ask people or to overanalyse every single word they say. But what I CAN do is just casually make it be known that I'm gay.
Not obsessively (I don't waltz into places announcing: "I'm Filip, and I'm gay!"), but whenever the topic of love and relationships comes up... yeah, I treat it as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

And in my experence, other gay people then occasionally tell me that they're part of the "family" too. Either openly or in private.

And where you go from there is best taken one case at a time. Sometimes you can treat it as common knowledge, other times you have to keep it to yourself (and sometimes you mess up. I once outed my boyfriend in the middle of his favourite restaurant. Oops. But since we're still together, I'm presuming he forgave me ).

But it depends on the person. Your best bet is to be out and let others respond based on that, though.