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Questioning is not a fun state to be in.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ModernCat, Dec 20, 2015.

  1. ModernCat

    ModernCat Guest

    I understand that labels don't mean much and it's only a small part of an individual, and things like that

    It's been almost year since I started questioning things and I'm exhausted already.
    I've heard that some people question for over ten years and that sounds very scary.

    What I hate more about my questioning is not knowing whether am I faking myself, or if I have internalized homophobia going on.

    I hate myself for having an attraction at all to anyone. When I get straight attraction I convince myself as straight. I feel like, all those times I had been lying to myself and to my crush who I have been flirting with because I wanted to.

    When I have girl attraction I think it's probably fake. I can shrug it off. But not when it's her.

    I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate having to prove myself as something.
     
  2. ModernCat

    ModernCat Guest

    I ranted here, it seems. I know there isn't much I can't do..I needed to say this to someone at least.
     
  3. oliolioli

    Regular Member

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    I wish I could help you! I honestly feel your pain so much. I am in a similar situation, and have been questioning for only about 6 months. It's so frustrating and even painful sometimes to not be able to hit the nail on the head. It's so hard not to just know!

    I do the same with my attraction - once I like a boy, I convince myself I must be straight, but when my feelings come up again for my close friend, sometimes I try to brush it off, and other times I'll be like "okay no, I'm definitely bi." and sometimes I wonder if I feel anything at all, or if I'm just projecting it all.

    It's definitely a confusing time, but know that you are not alone! I wish you the best :slight_smile:
     
  4. SpiderGwen

    Regular Member

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    Sometimes, that's all you need, to just kind of let it all out.

    Questioning can suck. Like, seriously. It can take you down roads you don't want to go and sometimes, you can find yourself thinking you've made some kind of terrible mistake for ever thinking you were anything but cis-het.

    You're not the only one seemingly bashing your own head against the wall over this. I know I did for YEARS before anything began to make sense. Even then, I still see my identity as a work in progress. I'm still learning. Many of us are, and many of us are still slamming our heads against the wall trying to make sense of it all.

    I know this may not help, but the fact you're going through the process at all, that's some serious strength. A lot of people who face these questions try to bury them, ignore them, or otherwise drown them out. And sometimes, they turn out to be one of these fire and brimstone preachers who embezzle church funds so they can pay off male escorts or something crazy like that.

    If anything, take pride in the fact that you're brave enough to face the truth, whatever that turns out being. You're going to come out of this a better person for the struggle.
     
  5. ModernCat

    ModernCat Guest

    Thank you. Words like "labels mean nothing" isn't comforting enough. Good to know that there's plebty of people like me.
     
  6. itsbrooklyn

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    I honestly wish I could help you, I was in a similar situation in the sense of me trying to convince myself I was faking having certain feelings and in the end it just didn't work and I started accepting everything, everyone goes through a questioning stage but some just need longer than others. Just know that you should be proud of yourself facing these questions and not dismissing them.
    I hope everything goes well for you!
     
  7. choirsmash

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    Okay, I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling this much with questioning. It sucks, I know. My worst gay crush was also gay, but a relationship was against the rules (it was my RA) but I actually told her and then talked about how I was struggling a lot with my own identity and she gave me some awesome advice. I don't know if this will help you, but I can try at least. She talked about how fluid sexuality is and that she just uses gay as an umbrella term. I started to use the terms gay and queer to describe myself since they're not super specific and I think they describe me better than bi does. I experience attraction to mostly females at this point in time (it can change, fluid like I said) but I also occasionally find myself attracted to males. Sexuality is just a super complicated thing, but remember that it's totally fluid. Whatever you think describes you is the truth, no one can tell you that you're not gay or something based on the fact that you are in a "straight" relationship. I wish you luck in your discovery, feel free to send me a message anytime if you need to.