I've mentioned here about a so-called "sketch." I mean I've somehow developed a sketch in my mind of my preference of a guy I have sexual feelings towards. I mean, if I saw this type of a guy around, I might have get some turn on you can say. Sketch White Blonde hair or dirty blonde, grey-brown hair 18-21 middle to upper middle class Youngish/boyish Maybe preppy/fratty(extra) If anyone has followed my posts and read my little story I posted, you'd know where the sketch came from. It's seems I've sketched in my mind a preference for White guys and it's developed for over 5 years. I mean, I don't understand why I've developed this sketch so detailed. But I've theorized why actually but this is my theory -I'm Hispanic. 24 -I come from low-middle class background -virgin(well I don't care really) When I was a college freshman, I was dealing with a lot of issues. I was struggling to fit in and trying to find my place at this private college I was attending. It was mostly upper class White and that. I was this low-income Hispanic and I stood out you know. And well maybe at that time I sought to "whiten" myself. There is no such thing as "race", it's a social construct. Because most of my social relationships in college for the most part, have been White(90%) and Hispanic(10%). That one factor I guess when some White guys I befriended, I felt some acceptance. I felt accepted and everything. And when AM that blonde white kid that was my roommate at that summer camp in August of 2010, I felt acceptance you can say. He was shy kid and didn't really talk to many people at the summer camp like me you can say, and I felt some connection. So I've felt maybe that feeling I had and being accepted and affection from upper middle class White kid had laid the seed for this "sketch." The feelings I had for AM were random. I did have some platonic feelings at first for him. It wasn't all sexual. It just came around here and there at first. It wasn't emotional. I've theorized that it grew slowly from that point and peaked when I was hanging out with my friend Travis during the past year(fall 2014-Spring 2015). Travis is White, youngish looking, dirty blonde hair, upper middle class, younger than me(18 then-19 now). We lived in the same housing complex on campus and developed a friendship. We were affectionate at times. We hugged really affectionate. The hugs really were physical and I felt like he enjoyed. I enjoyed. I said I loved him, he said the same to me. I felt like I was some bi curious awakening during this time. I mean the bi curious feeling peaked. Like one time, I ran my hair across his hair one time and he didn't complain. In fact, we were close together hugging and holding each other in my room when that happen. The whole past year had peaked in the whole bi curious feelings. Travis and I never had sex nor has the subject came up. Though the random bi sexual feeling and fantasy comes up at times let me point out. I don't consider or purpose that I should have sex with him since he's straight but I've felt he has bi curious feelings or sprinkles of it since he had alluded to me he had been bi curious in high school. Also, I don't want to press the subject of he and I having sex because he has a girlfriend. But he and I do share mutual affection, so I've felt we just have some borderline bi curious bromance somewhat. With that, I've felt that the whole experience with this has awaken this bi curious side of me and I should explore it. I've felt that the whole sketch I've have in my mind is my preference for guys. But I still feel conflict on why I prefer White guys and so specific. I mean I'm Hispanic and I somehow have this preference for White dudes. I mean, was it my desire to "whiten" myself when I was at that private college and fit in, or was just being around certain White dudes during the past 5 1/2 years who had been nice to me in some shape or form and developing affection for them. Or is it both? I thought about just looking to experiment with guys that fit my type. I mean if I could just find a White, bi curious, youngish looking guy around my college that was just as affectionate like Travis that would be perfect.
OK, first of all, you have been posting essentially the same story in a few different threads now. Still you have not really said that what is it that you really want to know or hear. It would be helpful to us and to you if you were able to pinpoint the real issue as I think you are just circling it rather than addressing it. People here want to help and support you but you need to be able to ask the right questions. To address the question about why you have this desired "type" in your mind, I think it is because of all the people you have had feelings for in the past are like that. You seem to have self-esteem issues which may make you subconsciously feel that only the kind who have cared about you in the past will be the kind who care about you in the future.
As human beings, we tend to imprint somewhat on the types of people we spend time with, both physically and in terms of characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes. This manifests in both who we tend to choose as friends as well as who we choose as lovers. There is the phenomenon, for example, of people who tend to date or marry people who are similar to their parents in certain ways. To put it another way, we tend to normalize that which we know. Taking this further, when we experience sexual awakenings, there is a tendency fir our desires to imprint unto the types of people we experience those awakenings with. For example, many people here talk about their "trigger crush" - the first same sex person they felt powerful feelings for - and are often attracted to people that remind them of their trigger crush. I would suggest that perhaps AM and/or Travis are trigger crushes for you, and, due to your circumstances, they have been white preppy boys in the 19-21 age range, because that's who you've been hanging out with. So you have developed an attraction to people like them. In this regard, I would not view your sexual attraction as a direct consequence of wanting to "whiten" your self, per se, but rather as an indirect consequence of the types of people you've been hanging out with (and thus having the opportunity develop crushes on) for a variety of reasons at this stage in your life. So I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think it makes you somehow a "trader" to Latinos or something. We like who we like. On the other hand, though, you may find over time that you are able to develop crushes on other types of guys, too, if you spend enough time hanging out with those other types of guy.
To further illustrate what I'm saying, I'll give you a personal example from my life. When I was a kid and a teenager, the majority of my friends from my neighborhood were black. (I'm white). I certainly also had a lot of white friends from school, too. But I often spent more time with my black friends because they lived next door. As a result, when I started feeling sexual feelings for other boys in my teen years, I definitely had a few crushes on my black buddies, because I spent a lot of time with them. I also had a crush on another white friend from school that I played music with, because I spent a lot of time with him, too. (Incidentally, I had some of my first gay sexual experiences with this white fellow, because it turned out he was also curious.) Anyhow, these days, I'm attracted to a variety of different types of men and women. But I still have a special attraction to black guys, because that's who I bonded with as a boy. (And, interestingly, I'm not as attracted to black women as black men, in part, I believe, because I did not have as many black female friends as a child.) I suspect, that if you discover that you are in fact bisexual, your attractions may diversify as you age. That said, there is also the phenomena of "exoticism" in sexual attraction - being attracted to someone SOLELY BECAUSE they are different and novel and perhaps believed to have a greater sexual appetite. This can be unhealthy, as it is basing attraction on stereotypes that can be false and/or dehumanizing. No one wants to be liked purely because we are a certain race - we want to be loved for us - our whole selves. But so long as you treat those you are attracted to as individual human beings and not members of some imaginary non-existent homogenous group, your doing just fine. I hope this helps.
@QBear I appreciate the feedback. Do you believe that when I was with AM back in August 2010 had been the start of "trigger crushes." I mean something from that time I felt good and I developed a sketch from that. I mentioned about dealing with near poverty or at poverty at the time, the family stuff, being a minority and other BS. When I encountered and befriended AM during that time in August 2010, all my problems had put away from the moment. AM was from Northern VA(Fairfax County, Va which is a pretty affluent area). I wasn't aware that AM was really wealthy at the time. I learned later he was a 6 or 7 figure trust fund kid. He saw me as me. I mean he didn't perceive as inferior and saw me as an equal. I mean he didn't ask me questions about my upbringing, which I sure as hell was not going to talk about. And he was a shy White kid like me at the time, and he didn't talk to many people as I recall. I suppose I just saw that experience as good for me and the start of "trigger crushes." 100% of my "trigger crushes" have been White. Maybe there is some exotic factor. Maybe because something about AM and the old money and whiteness were triggers. And maybe being accepted as an equal by someone above my social standing was a big deal for me emotionally at the time. And the whole trigger crushes have left to me having fantasies at times. I do have the fantasy of being with a 20-21 year old bi curious White guy. Blonde and youngish looking. Affluent or upper middle class. From Southern Cali nice areas like Bel Air, Beverly Hills or affluent areas of Texas or East Coast. Hanging out and enjoying life. With some sexual fantasy intertwined somewhat. Though I do like women despite this as I point out.
