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Emotionally Attracted to one, Physically to the other?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Fantasma, Dec 24, 2015.

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  1. Fantasma

    Fantasma
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    I've been having this problem for a small while now, and I just cant wrap my head around it. Up until about a year ago, I've always thought of having a nice family with a woman and all of that fun stuff, but everything just got fuzzy about a year ago. I began to realize that I would not become physically attracted to women, but rather some really close guy friends I have had for a very long time, and had formed deep bonds with. I would ( and will not ) think of a relationship with a guy, but still with women. I see some women, and think "Wow, she is hot..., Is she dating anyone right now..." and such, but can not get "turned on" by them. I will fantasize and get "turned on" by some men. I cant really talk to anyone about this because of how they think of "this" subject, as in just about all of them don't accept of the subject at hand.

    I would just like some simple help with this. I can't understand any of this.
     
    #1 Fantasma, Dec 24, 2015
  2. eclair

    eclair
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    I'm in a similar situation, and (I just recently found out) you can have a different sexual and romantic orientation.
    I don't think it's really a problem, because I like to think that you can have a relationship without sex.
     
    #2 eclair, Dec 25, 2015
  3. Bismuth

    Bismuth
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    I have it rather similar in yhat I ammore emotionally interested in a male relationship but anyone could see from my image folders on my computers that I find women very attracted, often more so than men. Having very skewed interests is normal in bisexuality.
     
    #3 Bismuth, Dec 25, 2015
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome.

    What you're describing is the experience of probably most everyone who goes through the process of questioning his or her sexual identity.

    Perhaps the first piece that might help make sense of it is understanding the process of accepting that you might not be straight. This means the loss of the "straight" identity, and there are stages we go through when we process any loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). They aren't necessarily sequential, and sometimes one goes back and forth through them, but they're pretty much always there.

    Second... you'll hear people tell you that there's a separation between romantic and sexual attraction. Well... there's zero evidence or research to support that, and almost nobody credible in the field seems to support that idea. So honestly, it usually is a big red herring that simply confuses and delays things, and in my opinion, it's better to disregard that notion for now. (You'll see more about this in a moment...)

    So in your case, if I'm understanding correctly, you're acknowledging that you have sexual attraction/arousal/fantasies with men, but not with women. And at the same time, you think "Well, that girl's hot"... but you have no sexual attraction to her.

    At the same time, you're saying you would not, and will not, consider a relationship with a guy.

    So my first question is... why, if you're feeling sexual attraction to a guy, would you not consider a relationship with a guy? Usually there's some level of resistance because... that would mean you're gay (or at least bi.)

    This is where the 5 stages come in: As we work through the process of accepting the loss, "bargaining" usually looks something like "Well, I acknowledge that I have some attraction to guys, but I'm sure I'll still end up with a woman." It's a way of holding onto the past and acknowledging the present.

    So for those who end up not straight (gay or bi), they have to let go of the idea they've held of the "normal" family and embrace what it means to accept the idea of a nontraditional family. In truth... those differences are getting fewer and fewer, but it can still be a difficult pill to swallow.

    As far as the connection to women and seeing them as "hot"... lots of gay men can have very deep emotional connections with women... these are friendships. And lots of gay men can see women as attractive; they just have no interest in having a sexual connection with them. Again, this is well within the normal spectrum of homosexuality.

    Now... if there's genuine desire for sexual connection with both men and women, then it's clear you're bisexual. But I'm not hearing you say that.

    I also want to be clear: Only you can know who you are. All I can do is infer context from what you describe. I don't hear anything indicating strong sexual attraction to women. I do hear sexual attraction to men.

    And of course... assuming I'm correct (which I may not be)... if you're still processing all of this and are somewhere between denial and bargaining, it's going to go back and forth, you'll find yourself rationalizing why you're straight, dealing with what it could mean to be gay, and so forth.

    The important take-away is... you don't have to decide this tomorrow, or next week, or next month. You can simply let it play out. Or... you may already know the answer deep down and are just looking for something to confirm it.

    Either way, however you end up, you'll be fine, and it will all work out in the end. It may not seem that way right now, but I can tell you that probably almost everyone here at EC was once in the place you're in.
     
    #4 Chip, Dec 26, 2015
  5. CameOutSwinging

    CameOutSwinging
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    From the time I was a teenager, I felt the same as you. When I tried identifying as gay and dating men in my late teens, it felt weird and wrong, and I ended up dating a girl instead. But my sexual attraction has never stopped being towards men exclusively. And I've realized in the last year, after actually falling for a guy romantically, that maybe I should just be with men. Maybe I panicked too soon in accepting myself when I was younger. Maybe I ignored the obvious signs and just let myself live in denial for a long time. Maybe I just hadn't met the right guys at the time. Self reflection is hard, but once you start down that road, you'll figure yourself out. And it won't be easy, and you'll want to think and tell yourself that you're wrong plenty of times. But in the end, only you can choose your happiness.

    Check this out, it really touched me and maybe will speak to you as well -

    90-Year-Old Gay Man Recalls Long Struggle With His Sexuality : NPR

    ---------- Post added 26th Dec 2015 at 04:47 AM ----------
    Yes, that's called a friendship. And we all should have many of them!
     
    #5 CameOutSwinging, Dec 26, 2015
  6. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    This was incredibly helpful to read. Thank you!

    I think I'm in this now because I'm both sexually and emotionally attracted to this woman. I've been sexually attracted to women (mental, never actually been with a woman) and it didn't bother me when I was alone, but if I saw a woman and thought about her sexually, like in a grocery store, I'd get freaked out (still kinda do).

    I think there's some kind of internalized homophobia in me that causes me to retreat from the idea that I could "date" a woman. You start worry about what it would look like to other people versus what it would feel like.

    I asked myself if I could be with a woman and not feel any judgement, would I? And I said yes. Now I've fallen pretty hard for this amazing woman and I'm trying to push myself to expose it for the first time in my life. I don't have answers, but I think asking myself questions and really figuring out what I want without gender being a concern, made a big difference.
     
    #6 yellow2002, Dec 26, 2015
  7. biguywantsgirl

    biguywantsgirl
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    Physical and emotionally attracted to women, physical act is with men.. emotionally sensual hot
     
    #7 biguywantsgirl, Dec 26, 2015
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    A huge percentage of the time, this is exactly what's driving the denial process. No matter how supportive our family and friends are, we still get messages from media, culture, religion and other places in society that being gay is wrong, bad, second best... and of course, no one wants that. So the unconscious process is to reject that.

    It sounds like you're taking excellent steps to work through this process. I think if you just keep doing what you're doing, you'll be fine!
     
    #8 Chip, Dec 26, 2015
  9. Fantasma

    Fantasma
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    Thank you so much to everyone helping me and others, I really can't thank you all enough. As Chip mentioned, I think I am still in the Denial stage, as in I want to believe that I am straight and want to be with women, but I guess that only time will tell. Again, thank you.
     
    #9 Fantasma, Dec 30, 2015
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