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Trying to explain this to myself

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MayaBee, Dec 24, 2015.

  1. MayaBee

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    this is a letter to myself, trying to get my thoughts written down. You don't need to answer, but I'll still appreciate if you do.

    Where do I start? This all is so confusing.
    My orientation is not very clear. And right now, I don't think it will ever be. But since I am so exhausted of this process, I think I am okay with not knowing. Knowing your sexuality when your emotionally distanced is very hard. Many people describe sexuality as something physical and emotional, but to me, it is very hard to even develop a crush.
    I am really open to new people. I can tell people personal stuff real quick, but hugging, looking in the eyes, talking about feelings? I cant do that. Even if I wanted to.
    Remembering all the "crushes" I had, I realize, that they werent crushes. I liked the people and I thought they would crush on me. So I automatically thought I must love them too. And those crushes? Well, they were all boys. Because when I was a child, I knew people could be gay, but I never knew anyone who was, so growing up I never felt like a girl could crush on me.
    I was so stupid. When I walked down the street in the city, I would walk by females and think "wow, if I was a boy, I'd totally find that girl attractive.". Umm.. hello? Brain, why arent you working?

    When it comes to attraction, I am attracted to both men and women. But way easier by women, because I feel like there is more of an emotional connection. Boys... well, they seem good looking, but not "wow". I can be turned on by a man as well, but it takes so much more.
    When it comes to having sex with a gender, I am not going to lie, but having sex with a male kinda grosses me out. I could see myself kissing a male, but not more than that, except for if I'd have a really strong attraction to them. I just dont feel like they understand me the way women do and the way I understand women.

    But women... well everything is just so perfect about them. I guess, I am only attracted to feminine guys(or extremely masculine guys, but not in a relationship style, just pure sexual attraction, but without actual sex) Whilst I'd date probably every women, wether masculine or feminine or in between.

    So, to myself: You dont need to label yourself, but I know you want to. So I am giving you the label: bisexual who is emotionally fucked up and likes women very much and men a little but enough.
     
  2. questions4ever

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    Wow! I think you did an incredible job with that. I think your really honest with yourself. Thanks so much for sharing!
     
  3. MayaBee

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    Thank you so much for your lovely reply! :slight_smile: