I came out as a lesbian just over 2 years ago, but now I'm feeling horribly confused and anxious about my orientation all over again. I feel like I should be more attracted to girls than I am, in order to identify as a lesbian. When I was in primary school (roughly age 11-12), I had my first crush, or at least, the first crush I identified as being a crush. It was on my best friend, a boy. I wasn't a popular kid, and I didn't have any other friends really. I basically worshiped him for giving me the time of day. I can't recall it being very sexual, if at all, but it was very intense at the time, and I wanted him to kiss me. I might add that I felt very behind my classmates in terms of 'boyfriends', and 'first kisses', in that I hadn't had any of those things. To my knowledge, nobody had ever had a crush on me either. Fast forward to 1st year of secondary school and I sort of forgot boys existed altogether. I went to an all girls catholic school and loved it. I had a few friends. One girl was part of the friend group that I joined, and for some reason, I felt drawn to her. I didn't know what I was feeling at the time. She was very eager to be my friend and she scared me a little bit. She made me feel uneasy, and yet I couldn't get enough of her company, although I refused to admit it. By 3rd year, I had admitted to myself that I was in love with her, and realized that this meant I wasn't straight. I always thought there was a chance she might like me back, and this only made me more into her. By 5th year, I accepted that she was straight, and spent the rest of secondary school trying to get over her. Now, we're both in college together. We're best friends. I'm out to her, and I'm finally over her (I think). The only problem is that I'm aware that I don't check other girls out. If I were gay, I would do that, right? Now I don't have a crush on anyone, and I'm so confused. I love reading lesbian fanfiction, and that's what I usually get off to, but I can get off to the idea of straight sex only when the man is abusing a position of power. It freaks me out and makes me think I'm not gay. So much so that I've started to look at every guy I see and imagine having sex with him. But I don't think I'd want to do it in real life. I suppose what's worrying me is that I'm not 'enough' attracted to girls. Thoughts?
You shouldn't worry about that. You don't have to label yourself like lesbian if you think so say your bi. You should follow your heart go with the flow and go from there don't over think.
Hi, thanks for the reply. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't help it. Not to sound melodramatic, but It's taking over my life at this point. It's gotten to the point where I can't be productive because I'm stuck in my own head all of the time. Also, I wonder if this anxiety/confusion is preventing me from crushing on anyone, because I'm closed off, and that just makes me feel worse. :bang:
People can get stressed to the point where they don't focus on other things like whether you have crushes on other people. You sound a bit like me, I am an extreme over thinker of every situation. Whether you crush on other people now or not doesn't mean that you are or aren't anything. I fully identify as a lesbian but when I was in year seven was convinced that I was head over heals in love with this boy in one of my classes. I think I wanted to believe that I was attracted to him because he was the first boy I met that wasn't an idiot and I didn't want to be gay. Also I kind of felt behind too, I only just recently had my first kiss (which was more of a peck on the cheek) and I freaked out completely so nothing else is going to happen there. Also some people are just more sexual than others. Not everyone has to think about sex or be turned on every minute of every day or constantly be looking for a new crush. If your college experience is anything like mine then there isn't really that much free time to be checking other girls out anyway. Also if you have just got over someone you were in love with then maybe you just aren't ready to move n to anybody yet.
