(Just so there is no confusion, I' am a female) I 'm very very very confused. I have been questioning my sexuality for quite some time now and I don't know what to make of it. Now, I tend to be an over thinker and a paranoid person at times, so it makes sense why all these thoughts and questions have become so tedious and tires for me. I don't know where I stand. My main question is....Am I gay or am I bisexual? I guess I'm getting I'm getting a bit too caught up in labels here but I feel like some of you guys would be willing to offer some helpful insight and information (and your own experiences). Here's the thing, I don't think....I know I'm attracted to girls, emotionally and physically. I believe I always sort of known that I'm attracted to girls but haven't actually thought about it on a deeper level or acted on it. I'm still getting used to the notion that I like girls, I'm in the process of accepting myself. During this process also comes doubts and lingering questions about my sexuality. I've been wondering if I'm attracted to girls and guys, or if I'm actually gay and in denial (using bisexuality as a shield), or if I'm gay but have been to a degree conditioned to have a sort of liking towards guys (If that makes any sense), or if I'm bisexual and all of this is so new and so confusing that its frying my brain and making me question everything. Perhaps (I'm hoping) some of you know my struggle and can relate. During middle school I had those typical "middle school relationships" (You hold hands and kiss once in awhile). I remember being so confused as to why I wasn't crushing on any guys, none of them felt appealing to me, it was just ehhhh. Of course eventually I had some boys I "dated" but I always got weirded out by them touching me or trying to kiss me (Which resulted in them breaking up with me). I remember my first kiss, it felt like I was kissing a wall, no spark, nothing (Although I had no feelings for this boy). So blah blah blah I get to high school and things start to change. I had a huge crush on this boy freshman year, I didn't really know him but I adored him. I figured to myself, "See! I finally have a crush on a guy! Kissing would definitely feel better if it was with someone I liked." After some times I actually ended up going to homecoming with this boy and kissed him.....nothing, no spark. After this my attraction for him fell short and ended there. I was so frustrated with myself and quickly convinced myself that maybe kissing is not my thing, its the relationship that counts, if I was in a relationship I would be happy and I wouldn't feel this way towards boys. Which resulted in my first actual relationship with a guy. I had been in this relationship for about 6 months and recently its been the most eye opening event concerning my sexuality. I did like and care for the guy I was with but it fell short again. I did eventually get involved with him to a certain degree. (Not sex sex, 'penetration') I remember it being not very comfortable and kinda boring experience. It felt like a chore and it did at one point cause me to be sick. (very embarrassing). Throughout our relationship I felt like I missing something, faking something, not giving myself fully (I thought something was seriously wrong with me). This sweet guy was spewing love all over me and I just felt like running away. Eventually I ended the relationship using reasons such as, I was't ready to have this kind of relationship, I needed to focus on school....blah blah blah. At the time, I didn't even know the 'true' reason I was breaking up with him. Now a couple months later, I think I know why. I have this 'fantasy' that keeps popping up in my mind. I picture myself with a woman later in life, falling in love, marrying her, having children with her. When I think about this, it feels loving and comfortable. It feels bright and happy, it makes me feel excited for the future. It feels right. I have thought about this scenario also with a man in my future and it doesn't feel the same, it feels strange and kinda disheartening. I don't see myself having kids with a man and being as happy as I could be with a woman. I guess overall I fear coming out as a lesbian and then all of a sudden realizing I've made the wrong choice and can't go back. Possibly this could be due to the fact that I lack confidence in myself also I'm just a worry wart in general. So if you guys would just leave me some comments about your thoughts and feelings about this. It would help a ton!
Hi!(Just so there is no confusion, I' am a female) I 'm very very very confused. I have been questioning my sexuality for quite some time now and I don't know what to make of it. Now, I tend to be an over thinker and a paranoid person at times, so it makes sense why all these thoughts and questions have become so tedious and tiresome for me. I don't know where I stand. My main question is....Am I gay or am I bisexual? I guess I'm getting a bit too caught up in labels here but I feel like some of you guys would be willing to offer some helpful insight and information (and your own experiences). Here's the thing, I don't think....I know I'm attracted to girls, emotionally and physically. I believe I always sort of known that I'm attracted to girls but haven't actually thought about it on a deeper level or acted on it. I'm still getting used to the notion that I like girls, I'm in the process of accepting myself. During this process also comes doubts and lingering questions about my sexuality. I've been wondering if I'm attracted to girls and guys, or if I'm actually gay and in denial (using bisexuality as a shield), or if I'm gay but have been to a degree conditioned to have a sort of liking towards guys (If that makes any sense), or if I'm bisexual and all of this is so new and so confusing that its frying my brain and making me question everything. Perhaps (I'm hoping) some of you know my struggle and can relate. During middle school I had those typical "middle school relationships" (You hold hands and kiss once in awhile). I remember being so confused as to why I wasn't crushing on any guys, none of them felt appealing to me, it was just ehhhh. Of course eventually I had some boys I "dated" but I always got weirded out by them touching me or trying to kiss me (Which resulted in them breaking up with me). I remember my first kiss, it felt like I was kissing a wall, no spark, nothing (Although I had no feelings for this boy). So blah blah blah I get to high school and things start to change. I had a huge crush on this boy freshman year, I didn't really know him but I adored him. I figured to myself, "See! I finally have a crush on a guy! Kissing would definitely feel better if it was with someone I liked." After some times I actually ended up going to homecoming with this boy and kissed him.....nothing, no spark. After this my attraction for him fell short and ended there. I was so frustrated with myself and quickly convinced myself that maybe kissing is not my thing, its the relationship that counts, if I was in a relationship I would be happy and I wouldn't feel this way towards boys. Which resulted in my first actual relationship with a guy. I had been in this relationship for about 6 months and recently its been the most eye opening event concerning my sexuality. I did like and care for the guy I was with but it fell short again. I did eventually get involved with him to a certain degree. (Not sex sex, 'penetration') I remember it being not very comfortable and kinda boring experience. It felt like a chore and it did at one point cause me to be sick. (very embarrassing). Throughout our relationship I felt like I missing something, faking something, not giving myself fully (I thought something was seriously wrong with me). This sweet guy was spewing love all over me and I just felt like running away. Eventually I ended the relationship using reasons such as, I was't ready to have this kind of relationship, I needed to focus on school....blah blah blah. At the time, I didn't even know the 'true' reason I was breaking up with him. Now a couple months later, I think I know why. I have this 'fantasy' that keeps popping up in my mind. I picture myself with a woman later in life, falling in love, marrying her, having children with her. When I think about this, it feels loving and comfortable. It feels bright and happy, it makes me feel excited for the future. It feels right. I have thought about this scenario also with a man in my future and it doesn't feel the same, it feels strange and kinda disheartening. I don't see myself having kids with a man and being as happy as I could be with a woman. I guess overall I fear coming out as a lesbian and then all of a sudden realizing I've made the wrong choice and can't go back. Possibly this could be due to the fact that I lack confidence in myself also I'm just a worry wart in general. So if you guys would just leave me some comments about your thoughts and feelings about this. It would help a ton![/QUOTE]
Hello!! I've read your story and there's a few things I'd like to say about it. I hope it helps! First of all, somewhere at the end of your story, you said "I guess overall I fear coming out as a lesbian and then all of a sudden realizing I've made the wrong choice and can't go back." But here's the point: you can't make wrong choices. I know outing yourself is a very hard thing to do. But you'll continuously keep on discovering yourself your whole life. If you want to identify as a lesbian right now, I'd say go for it! I believe sexuality is fluid and so changes your whole life. Maybe it doesn't, maybe it does, but you'll figure it out. I personally first also waited with my coming out 'until I was sure'. But I figured I would be 'inside the closet' for too long and I couldn't discover my true identity when I didn't talk about it. So I first came out as being a lesbian, to my friends and my family. Later on I realised that I wasn't so sure about that so I started to identify as pansexual around my friends and at the same time I started to know more about my gender and now I wouldn't come out as a lesbian anymore. But coming out did help me a lot, even when it didn't feel completely right. So, I think that if you feel like coming out as a lesbian is the right thing to do at this moment, you should. You can change it any time you want. I can't tell what your sexuality is. You'll have to figure it out yourself. My advice would be to be open for anything and try not to worry too much about liking a boy or a girl. I can't help you a lot with this one. I hope my words have been useful. If there's anything else, please ask! Take care!!
Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot! I wish in a perfect world that everyone wouldn't have to go through this painful questioning phase and just 'know'. Lol but unfortunately this isn't a perfect world and as you said, I have to figure it out on my own. Thanks for your support!
