Hey guys, thank you in advance for welcoming me in EC. I hope I can find some support and advice on these Forum. 29 yo male here. Considering my self straight but I've been questioning my sexuality since I was a teenager. I feel that I have a huge burden on my back. I struggled from depression since my early twenties and I feel that this has some affect on it. Feelings of; I'm really weird or I'm crazy. I'll never be normal..those feelings come with, I'm a joke of a human being, useless, helpless, alone and 0 self confidence at times. I'll start from the beginning. I hope someone will read it ;/ When I started exploring my sexuality at an age of 13 I guess? Well I always liked girls and always had crushes on girls. But sometimes I got turned on by boys. IN MY HEAD. And on the internet of course. Maybe it was the kid on my block or a friend of mine in school. I think I even knew then, something was wrong with me. I even had pleasure watching cartoon sex and stuff...Which again is pretty weird. This continued for years until I was 21 when I had a big crush and apparently it went well. I had a relationship for over 4-5 years. Great sex life and I enjoyed it a lot. But the fantasies where still there. One of my biggest concerns was when I was 19 and visited my best friend at his university. And best friend I mean bromance. We are still very close. (i know him about 16 years now) We slept on the same bed. At some point I was awake and I felt him leaning towards me and stuff. I really liked it and felt really aroused. But of course kept it to myself. Since then and maybe a few years before this incident. I had a crush on him? I wouldn't say crush because I don't see him romanticly. I jack off with the thought of him. physically stuff. I never felt romantic for any guy. He is a big guy btw. chubby. And I realized that's the only type of male body that I'm attracted. Since then I sometimes jack off to guys online with that body type. But I don't really see faces or anything. just the body. Sometimes very specific body types. I'm very picky. sidenote:One time I let him massage me a bit . Instant boner. What the fuck....Anyway. After the 5 year relationship with my gf (she ended it). I was devastated for maybe a year+. I still am now after 2 years. In the last year I tried to move on and hanged out with 2 girls. I couldn't form a relationship. they wanted to btw. I was scared. I was hurt. And I couldnt feel that bond I had with the previous relationship. I'm really emotional... Last 2 months i've been struggling with depression after I stopped seeing the 2nd girl which i really liked btw. She wanted to get more serious but I couldn't do it. I felt that I was going to let her down and I wasn't worthy for her. I live on my own. When I'm depressed I have a shit lifestyle. Smoking, smoking weed, drinking like trying to hurt myself. Reminding myself how weird I am and that will never change. I feel I have no purpose. I jack off a lot too. To weird shit and also on video chat websited with the types of guys I said above. I told couple of my friends few months back that sometimes I had fantasies of men and stuff. But never told them that sometimes it becomes worrying. Its like an addiction. When I have an ordinary sex life with a girl these fantasies don't go away. They are not present in bed or anything. I mean I don't have sex and think of guys....god no. But of course the fantasies don't come that often when I'm with a girl. I guess they come when I'm alone and I want to jack off. I also jack off to straight porn by the way. Also i'm really open to anything in bed. Mild bdsm, sucking p*** as**** everything. I enjoy it a lot. So I know I like girls a lot...And I want to get over with my fears and move on a serious relationship with a girl. But I still have these thoughts and with my depression its not helping. I did try to go with a guy. Met someone online went over to his house. (I was getting hard only with the thought of what im going to do). But when that door opened I instantly got turned off, had a chat and left. These thoughts combined with other feelings above with depression is a lot of pressure for me...I'm destroying my life. I really am. I have no problems thank god...I have an apartment I have a car I still have my best friends. But when I'm like this I shut everyone out. My family, friends, social life, work everything. I feel like a wreck. I don't know what to do..... So... -I'm obsessed during periods when I'm alone, with my best pal. I jack off. After I finish though I feel somehow disgust and that I know I'll never do it in real life? Or will I? -I'm also obsessed jacking off with other guys on various video chats. Sometimes even I imagine they are my best pal. -I think I get really turned on emotionally and physically about girls (I really want to know her and spend time with her). Maybe this has something to do with my friend? (cause I know him for so long?) -I jacked off to some really really weird shit and been to situations when I had Instant and very hard boners with same sex and girls ofc. -I consider these thoughts a fantasy. Or do I want it to happen i Don't know... -I have a problem with self doubt on nearly everything I do in life. -Am I gay? I'm I bi? -Still struggling with depression. (I tried medication for a few months) And was diagnosed but stopped the medication after some time. I apologize for the long confusing read...I feel I left a lot of stuff out. But this is a good summary of what I feel. Please help... ;/
Ok first of all you aren't gay. You are obviously attracted to girls. I would also have you know that porn doesn't equal sexual attraction. You may be bi in some form (you don't have to like guys and girls in the same way to be bi) I know it's hard to sort out your feelings with depression and such but you need to calm down and give yourself some time. Whatever your sexuality is, it's ok. Look into: romantic vs. sexual attraction, heteroflexible, bisexual heteromantic
