I have been thinking of coming out as bisexual, and I thought my mother might feel helpless and start googling things, so I was curious about what would come up, so I googled "My daughter is bisexual". I was really shocked at the responses on forums, there are mothers and fathers saying that their young children have come out as bisexual and almost all of the responses are really shocking. One person says "I had a human sexuality class and I was shocked to see how much of a trend bisexuality has become". Another person said "Most women who say they are bisexual end up to be suburban moms who drive minivans". This freaked me out so much. I have this fear... right now I am attracted to men, I am afraid that I will find a man and get comfortable and end up marrying him and having his babies. When I was 14 and realized how attracted to women I was, I would have sold my soul for that future. Now I'm scared because, after all my soul searching and depression that came with trying to accept my attraction for women, I might end up actually ending up with a man and having a completely plain existence, knowing that I struggled so much in my adolescence for no reason, because I am just not into women any more. I am so attracted to men now, and I can't remember the last time I was truly attracted to a woman. I feel myself letting go of the word "bisexual" because I don't feel like I used to about the same sex. In my teens I was completely sapphic, I didn't just get turned on by women, I loved everything about women, bodies, minds, auras. How can that disappear? Letting go of something that made me who I am is so hard. I googled "I used to be a lesbian" and there's this article called "Oh, by the way, I used to be a lesbian", it's about this girl who convinced her parents she was not going through a phase, but she really was. It freaks me out because what if that's me? This isn't really a question, its just me narrating my own freak-out. I used to be on a forum called VirtualTeen and there was a thread where you could post what was on your mind, and I wrote "If I start liking men again I will scream". So here I am, I am screaming.
Sexuality CAN change during your lifetime, just like the type of person you're attracted to (e.g. being into girly girls and as you get older being into butch girls, as happened to a lesbian friend of mine). Likewise, fear and repression can cause you to hide away who you are until it becomes too much. If you are bisexual, you could simply be going through an "into males" phase, which could change. Or you might be straight after all but were curious. Puberty gives us all these new hormones and feelings that we're often not equipped to deal with in our early teens. As you'll see from many others on this forum, for a lot of us, our sexuality is not a clearcut thing. Feeling something toward both sexes can be the source of great confusion.
My sexual awakening was women, for all my friends it was men. I dated a guy this year for 6 months, and I wrote in my diary "I know I can't love him because I have never been sexually or romantically attracted to men". I'm also looking at my posts on Virtual teen again and my attraction for women started waning in 2011... which means I was a kinsey 6 for a mere 3 years... I had looked back on my childhood and remembered being attracted to some girls but now I'm questioning it, maybe those feelings were normal? It's so stressful.
Well, bisexuality *has* become trendy among young people. And that has indeed opened the doors to some people identifying that way who actually aren't. This is part of why I always ask "why does it matter to you?" Certainly a person can know they are bisexual at 12 or 22...either is old enough to understand your preferences. But either is also young enough to be affected by trends and peer pressure (and that is in no way meant to suggest that 48 or 68 is too old to be affected by such things). But if you are young and understand your preferences, you'll simply identify as bisexual. A person who obsesses over their sexuality suggests to me that there is some reason to *want* it to be a particular way. We can choose how we identify...but we can't choose our sexuality. I have no opinion on whether you are bisexual or straight...I don't know you nearly enough to have an opinion on that. But it doesn't sound to me like your attractions to women at 14 were just a response to a trend. But some lines in your post trouble me. Don't you think that if this happens, then it will have felt like a good idea at the time? That it will feel like it would make you happy? Or are you actually concerned that you may do this despite having serious reservations about it? (And if so, why would you do such a thing despite serious reservations?) If it happens because you think it would make you happy, then maybe it would...and what's so terrible about that? But now here's the real thing. You have this history with lesbianism/bisexuality, right? It would be *foolish* of you to marry a guy without discussing this with him. Of course, you may need to explain that this was just in your teens and you haven't felt anything for girls since then...I mean, make sure he understands the actual situation. But it should be discussed. Because bisexuality *can* have huge swings in it. Long periods of time of being attracted primarily (or feeling only) to one sex or the other...having this flip-flop (although a flip-flop over a 10-year period doesn't *feel* like a flip-flop, especially when that 10-year period is practically half your life). Again, your judgments about the "straight lifestyle" suggest that it's important to you to be one way or another. Again, you don't get to pick your sexuality. But *you do* get to pick your lifestyle. If you live a "completely plain existence" it'll be because you choose to. But being straight (if you happen to be) in no way mandates a completely plain existence. If this thought bothers you, then I can't imagine how you would end up doing it. Don't fear your future, hon. Just live it in such a way as to be happy. Then, if it's not something you approve of, at least you were happy.
I blame Katy Perry. To the OP - all I can say is try not to worry. Sexuality changes, don't try and fight it just try and enjoy yourself. I was more worried of the opposite to you after I started a sort-of relationship with another girl, I was worried I would stop fancying guys and then I wouldn't have the nice easy straight life and people would look at me differently. Chin up
I really wouldn't call it trendy, I don't know anyone who thought it was cool to identify that way? When I was a teen, basically anything that suggested you even THOUGHT about the same sex was "disgusting". I genuinely don't think it's a trend. Because of this, the only way I was affected by peer pressure was to be 100% straight. I never had gay friends, or friends that made fooling around with other girls cool, I still don't. When I first started having attraction to women I had a lot of internalized homophobia, so I thought it was wrong. That doesn't seem like I was influenced. Yes, I do obsess over my sexuality, which is annoying. The reason I always "want" it to be a certain way is because it has now changed twice, and I always feel "loss" for the attraction I don't feel anymore, which is a normal part of coming out to yourself. Of course people "want" their sexuality to be a certain way. You are right, but I have always had this problem when I date where I think "oh god, i don't even swing this way". I have started to become more attracted to men only recently, so when I dated men before this I didn't really "know" if I liked them. But I dated a guy this year, for 6 months. I knew I liked him but I never fell in love with him, there was always something missing and in the end we lasted so long because he turned into my best friend and because I was used to him. Yes I loved him but I had constant thoughts of ending it because the whole thing wasn't what I wanted, there was something missing and I thought it was because he was a man. But, I got comfortable, if he hadn't have dumped me we'd still be together, and then in the far future I would probably develop actual feelings for someone else and realize he was a comfort rather than a real love. That's what I fear, I don't want to be like everyone else who "ends up" in a marriage and with this traditional life and suddenly realizes they were so passive in letting so much happen in their life that deep down they didn't want. And thats the reason I think of it as "plain". Because with men I am a different person. When I was young and discovered I was not like everyone else, I realized what being happy really was and what love really was, and with men I am completely meek because it's so easy to be naive. I don't think of the lifestyle as anything different, it's that personally I become comfortable in relationships with men that I don't really want to be with.
Your post makes me think that you are going through some sort period of difficulty with acceptance stemming from a fear of your mum's reaction, your shift in attraction might be a reaction against her lack of acceptance. If you were strongly attracted to women, I don't see how the capacity for this could disappear, regardless of a new attraction to men developing. You don't have to be with men, even if you are attracted to them, nobody is going to force you, if it does not feel right somehow. If you are unsure of yourself and are worried that you will end up with a guy, even if you don't really want to be with one- you have to practice your assertiveness and learn how to be more proactive about doing what you think is best for yourself, rather than pleasing others. You have to be strong!
Female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality. Perhaps you need more of a romantic connection to a person before you feel attraction. Heard of the word demisexual?
I'm not exactly sure how to help you figure yourself out, but I just want you to know that whatever you end up being is completely, totally, 100% fine. If you turn out to be straight, it's fine. If you turn out to be gay, it's fine. If you turn out to be bisexual, it's fine. Whatever label turns out to fit you best, you are still you.
