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Really anxious about my sexuality, and gender

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SolID, Dec 31, 2015.

  1. SolID

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    Hi everyone. My first language is not English, so if you read some strange stuff, please bear with me. Also, this stuff is very personal, so it’s not easy to write it down. But I really need some help, so if you have time, please read it through and tell me your opinion.

    My background: I’m 24, AMAB, living alone in Budapest. I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a long time, and lately I’m not so sure in my gender anymore either. It started back in elementary school, where I was quite badly bullied of being gay. Back then I wasn’t felt gay all, but thanks to the bullying I developed a quite nice HOCD. Even when I was twenty I panicked of the thought of being gay. I also got really introvert and antisocial and nervous around unknown people. Later, in high school and in university it got better, I always had a small circle of friends, but for various reasons (being a late bloomer, studying, being friggin afraid to talk people) I never managed to date anybody, or having any romantic relationship. Never fall in love, or had a crush on somebody, probably because I’ve been too nervous to do so. I’m also a virgin, but I’m much less anxious about that, then having no dating experience.
    However, now I would like to start seriously dating. By now I got motivated enough to overcome my anxiety, stop procrastinating and actually do something. (I’m thinking about online dating mostly. Not much into going out and clubbing.) The problem is that I feel like, that first I should short out my identity, and that’s where I need help.

    The thing is, that although I was always attracted to women, and the feminine forms in general, I was never much into classical heterosexual sex. At first I started watching lesbian porn. Two sexy girls together, what can be more straight, than watching this?! Later I got into transsexual porn. Yeees, there are many penises (that I found very arousing), but they are definitely girls, so its ok. Then more and more I started watching gay porn. At first I felt really guilty after watching/reading gay stuff, but I also felt so much thrill (partially because of the taboo aspect), that I always went back. In time the guilt mostly disappeared, but the excitement also reduced. Nowadays I only watch gay and transsexual/crossdresser/sissy porn. Also when I’m fantasying about sex, it’s nearly always gay/ts stuff, mostly with me being the bottom. I’ve also been experimenting with anal stuff for a long time, and honestly I would enjoy more to be penetrated, then being the top. (I have some performance anxiety about topping however, so this can be biased)

    On the other hand romantically and esthetically I’m really into girls and feminine people. I would like to kiss with them and touch them and imagine living with them. 80% of the people I’m checking out are women. I’m also checking out some guys lately (cuz I’m kinda identifying as bisexual), but that feels a bit forced. You can say that I would like to petting with girls and have hardcore sex with guys. Also after I got through my HOCD, it kind of got reversed. I really got into lgbt stuff and sometimes the idea of homosexuality, and that I might be gay is more arousing, than the actual act. That’s why I don’t know how much of my gay attractions is real, and how much is fetishistic. Also I tend to be more into guys when I’m horny, and more into girls, when I’m not.

    So what I would like is to date with girls. It’s much more appealing, and much less complicated. I’m also very attracted to pre/non op transwomen, but my chances of getting a trans girlfriend are nearly nonexistent. What I’m afraid of, is that these feeling won’t go away and they will spoil the relationship. It definitely not feels fair to go into dating knowing about this. Also wrecks my self-confidence. On the other hand I nearly never see guys and feel that it would be so nice to date with them. Neither in photos, nor in real life. And I can’t date somebody that I’m not attracted to.

    I’m expecting responses saying, that I should experiment some, but it’s not easy. I can’t do one night stands and “sex only” relationships because I really need to trust someone to be intimate with them. Sex with a (relative) stranger is unimaginable.
    To make things more complicated lately I’m also not sure about my gender identity. I’ve been always aroused by crossdressing and in the last two years I’ve actively practicing it in sexual games. But lately I’ve been feeling that it would be nice to dress up in non sexual situations too. Buying more simple, plain, but female clothes. Learning some makeup. To do everyday stuff while dressed as a woman. To pass as a woman. To be a woman.
    In everyday life I’m ok being a guy, and I’m ok with my body (I could have less body hair, and smaller feet though), but I have a more feminine personality (conflict avoiding, trying to be nice to everybody, being kinda submissive). I wouldn’t like to change my body, I like my genitals, and not thrilled to have breasts. But a hairless, more feminine, femboyish figure would be nice.
    To be honest, crossdressing, and gender exploring is not something I would like to stop, so I would like to get together with someone who is into this stuff, or at least accepting of it. This also complicates things.

    TL;DR; Bullied as child->HOCD->Gay obsession/bisexuality->still want to date girls->but afraid it won’t end well. Also crossdressing and don’t wanna stop.

    So what is your opinion about all of this? Should I wait some more trying to figure out who am I/what do I want? (But every second gives me more and more handicap! I’m 24 dammit!) Or should I date with girls, and hoping, that everything will be ok? Or should I try to date guys after all?
    Also, what do you think about the gender stuff?
     
  2. Ryan monaco

    Ryan monaco Guest

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    You might be confused but yet again i turned gay when i started watching gay porn i used to watch lesbians like 7 years ago it would turn me on now its like watching a boring tv show i think you should just go with how you feel if you meet a sweet guy that likes you give it a shot if a nice girl likes you get with her and you might be bisexaul and the gender stuff idk i only cross dressed when i was turning gay
     
  3. Irisviel

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    "Turned gay", lol. Nobody "turns" gay.

    To the OP - this story is something I can relate to. Not in the porn aspect perhaps and of course our lives are different. The way you describe your trouble with pinpointing who you are attracted to is similar to my experience. I just learned to live with having periods of my preference changing. Not orientation, preference; so you will find me obsessed with Furiosa one month, the other with Thor :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: One does not invalidate the other.

    As to gender... well you don't describe anything that would sound as being obviously mft, perhaps just crosdressing or some non binary identity. You could describe that in more detail in gender identity forum, and perhaps someone could help.

    For instance, to me one of the clues to explore gender was that while I'm attracted to women, I'd like to be in a lesbian relationship. Not be a guy. Straight sex is what I'd rather be in the receiving end, lol. I suggest giving your gender much more thought and detail, and ask in gender identity forum. And remember also that forum is only a place to find things to relate to, ask questions... real help comes from a therapist or at the very least, self exploration.
     
  4. Athexant

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    About your sexuality, it seems as though you could be demisexual. You mentioned that you were uncomfortable having sex with anyone you didn't know/didn't form a deep emotional connection with them. Just for the record, I am demisexual, and the basic definition is not being sexually attracted to anyone until you formed a deep emotional connection with them. A lot of demisexuals choose two orientations, a romantic orientation and a sexual orientation. If you're comfortable dating both males and females, you could be a biromantic demisexual. If you're comfortable just dating the opposite sex, you could be a heteroromantic demisexual. There's also something called heteroflexible which means that you're only really attracted to members of the opposite sex, but if the right member of the same sex were to come along, you wouldn't be opposed to getting romantically involved with them.

    Also, porn is not really a good indicator of sexuality. A lot of straight cis males get turned on by gay porn and transexual porn. There are also a few non-straight people getting turned on by regular porn. Porn is meant to be an erotic fantasy, nothing really more than that. It has some crazy situations that don't always happen in real life. That doesn't mean that you should stop watching porn, but I wouldn't associate it with your sexual orientation.

    As for gender identity, you seem to just enjoy crossdressing because it brings out a certain aspect that you desire. You don't really feel any major dysphoria about your body, so I wouldn't go so far as to call you a transgender. It would be different if you were crossdressing because you felt as if you didn't belong in your body, and/or if you found that fact that you were living in a male body to be upsetting.

    Honestly, I don't really have any romantic advice for you because I really suck in that field. I wouldn't want to go giving you false information either. I'm really sorry about that, but I'm sure something else on here can help you.
     
  5. SolID

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    Thanks for the responses.

    That is something I also feel sometimes, and for a long time. Back in the day, when I was still panicking at the though of being anything but straight, I was already quite obsessed with lesbianism. I'm not sure what is it like to have a crush, especially on fictional characters, but if I ever had one, that was definitely on Willow from Buffy. :icon_redf She was the main reason I watched the show. Actually I'm stiff fantasizing (not in a sexual way) quite often about what it would be like to be in a lesbian relationship. But I always dismissed this as something really stupid, because being in a relationship with a girl as a girl is nearly impossible for me, while as a guy it should be easy. And there shouldn't be much difference between the two kind of relationship.

    @Athexant:
    I was thinking about whether I'm demisexual, but I don't think so. Demisexual is somebody who only feels sexual attraction when has a deep connection. But I have plenty of attraction to people, it's just that I would be too afraid and uncomfortable to have sex with them. The effect is actually the same, but has different roots.

    Yep, I know that, But my pornless fantasies are mostly matching the same pattern. Now that I think about it those have more gay element, than my porn sessions...

    About my gender identity the main problem is that while I would like to explore it more, I know that this would seriously reduces my chances of finding a partner. Let's face it: Most straight (or even bisexual) girls wouldn't date a crossdresser, especially, if he would like to do it more seriously.
     
  6. spoulding

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    What Athexant said sums up pretty well what I wanted to say, so I'm just going to quote it.

    As for the romantic part, I can relate to it and would like to try to help you. Basically, I'm sexually attracted to girls and the idea of having sex with one is very arousing, specially because I've already did it and know that is great. On the other hand, I'm mostly romantically attracted to boys, which sometimes gets complicated, because they tend to not like the no-sex thing.

    You said that people would tell you to experiment and that's exactly what I'm going to tell you to do. Sorry. Experience and imagination are the best ways to know if you're going to like something, e.g. imagining to have sex with a guy puts me off. If you're not comfortable with the idea of having sex with a stranger, try going on a date. If even that is a problem, online dating is nice. It can give you an idea whether you are attracted to men in a romantic way or not. As for the women, I'm not really sure what to say since it's a sexual matter. My solution was to not engage in any sexual activities with men because I knew I wasn't aroused by it. One thing that helped me arrive at this conclusion was something I used to do with a ex-boyfried. As we lived 1400km away from each other, we would sometimes explore our sexual fantasies through text or phone, talking about what the other would like to do and this sort of thing. With this, I realised that straight sex wasn't for me.

    So, both experiments you can try online, if you're more comfortable this way. And, in case you find your answers like this, I suggest you try to online date someone who lives near you or someplace you can go. Perhaps you can go for a coffee after, or not.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2015 at 03:36 PM ----------

    It seems like you have some sort of social anxiety. To outsiders, being socially anxious and demisexual, in this context, is pretty much the same thing even though it's not. It was easier for me to online date first, so what I said in the previous post is still on. After I started therapy, I was more comfortable dating people without the previous internet thing.

    You will be surprise with the number of girls - and boys -, regardless of orientation, that would be comfortable with this.