Hi there, I haven't posted on here in a while, but I'm just curious to hear some opinions on this topic. To cut a long story short, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but everyday of my life, I feel this obligation to be straight. It isn't just about pretending to like girls and want to be sexual with girls, but it also includes all of the stereotypical heterosexual male pressures of not sounding or acting 'feminine', not listening to 'feminine' music, etc, etc, basically it's about avoiding anything which could possibly indicate I'm gay and encouraging everything that could indicate I'm straight. It sounds ridiculous because it is. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm scared that if I let this facade slip, people will get suspicious, they'll start asking more questions about my life, and then my 'true colours' will be revealed. Here's the irony; I'm ashamed of hiding who I am and pretending to be straight because it makes me feel like crap, but on the other hand, I don't believe coming out will help me much at the minute because I don't think I can deal with the 'emotional baggage' of the whole process Basically I'm scared of the reactions of my family and friends if I came out. What if I'm outright rejected!!? That's what scares me the most, the possibility of total rejection. I like to think that my family and friends are tolerant people, and I know they'd never hurt me for being gay, but the thought of being kicked out of home by my parents and being given the cold shoulder by once-close friends, is what keeps me firmly in the closet. In the meantime I feel like pretending is the only way forward, but I don't want it to be :icon_sad: Any input would be much appreciated, thanks...
Mr. mrbuddha123 Welcome back I felt more emotional baggage by staying in the closet than coming out. Coming out liberates emotional baggage, assuming your parents and friends are reasonably accepting. What causes you to think that you might be rejected? Have your parents and friends displayed any homophobic behaviors in the past? Or are you exploring all possible outcomes, even if they are unlikely?
Hi Mrbuddha123. you are you, how you act is part of what makes you the person you are. I can see similar things to myself at 19 in what you say. my mannerisms were slightly effeminate, not over the top. I ended up working in a tough male environment, one where I had to be 'straight'. Looking back it did me more harm than I realised at the time. How you act or what music you listen too dose not define you sexuality. Be yourself. Also I never appreciated some of my friends, who had I come out to would have been so much happier. There is no way I could come out to my mother. My friends were there for me and I never realised it. Hope this helps
Hi SiennaFire, I think when it comes down to my fear of rejection, it's a bit of both; both my parents and friends have expressed homophobic beliefs in the past and occasionally still do, and it's also a case of me exploring all possible outcomes as well. My family and friends aren't that conservative and they're pretty tolerant in regards to most things, but unfortunately there's this low-lying homophobia present in society which overshadows any desire I might have to come out the closet. After reading what you said, I agree that coming out the closet outweighs staying locked inside it, but I think it's just gonna take a while for me to do that though because I'm still unsure of my sexuality. Although I'm confident I like a particular type of guys, I'm still unsure whether there's something there for certain girls as well. I think it's probably best for me to take it as it comes and see where it goes. It might be me holding out for hope that I'm 'straight' or it might be genuine attraction... I'll find out eventually I guess. Thanks for your help mate :icon_wink Hi Boatman, your post definitely connected with, especially this; 'How you act or what music you listen too dose not define you sexuality.' I think that's what's been causing this problem of pretending to be straight in the first place, this self-limiting view that I'm either the stereotypical heterosexual who acts 'macho' or the stereotypical homosexual who acts 'feminine'; no in between, no gray area, just this restriction I've imposed on myself. For example, although I undoubtedly have feelings for particular guys at work and elsewhere, I also feel some sort of attraction to particular girls as well, but because I'm not the most 'macho' guy (like yourself, slightly effeminate) I feel like I'm somewhat not 'worthy' of being attractive in the eyes of these girls, thus I think I must be 'exclusively gay'. I feel like because I'm not some manly man, I can't be attracted to girls the same way that I am to guys, therefore I either try to be that manly man by feigning some sort of rigid masculinity, or I go the complete opposite and try and convince myself I don't like girls at all and that I'm an entirely feminine guy. After reading over this, I think it's clear I've got a bit of work to do on my self-image, because like you said Boatman, I should be myself. I shouldn't be trying to act any sort of way to please others. I should be living how I want to live :icon_wink Thanks again guys for your replies, it's definitely given me a better insight into the issues I'm facing. If your confused after reading this I apologise, but I guess it's all part of me trying to understand who I am
mrbuddha123 Why am I having a sense of deja vu? Right, I've heard "I'm pretty sure I'm gay" followed by "but I could be bi" before Dude, you are deadlocked. You censor your effeminate behavior because you are afraid of being found out. Because you censor your behavior, you cannot discover the real you. Because you haven't discovered the real you, you don't want to come out as gay because you might be bisexual. Clearly you need to break this cycle or you may find yourself in the closet for the rest of your life. Have you considered coming out as bisexual or not straight? Have you taken Chip's masturbation challenge as we discussed before? Do you date guys or girls? These should help bring clarity to your orientation. Best, SF
Hi Sienna Fire, Deja vu indeed. 'Dude, you are deadlocked'... 'Clearly you need to break this cycle or you may find yourself in the closet for the rest of your life.' After reading this, I had an epiphany. Like you said, if I continue this cycle of doubt and deception, there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna be, quite frankly, lying on my deathbed regretting the fatal mistake I've made of not coming out and being true to myself. I can't live a genuinely happy life if I continue to keep my real self locked away Yeah, coming out as bi or not straight has definitely been something I've thought about. I've let the worry of what other people think of me prevent me from doing that so far, so I need to start taking real steps towards coming out and stop worrying about it. They're gonna be baby steps to start with, but somehow I'm gonna try and do something like slip the topic of sexuality into conversation, when I can, or something like that, etc. I can't guarantee if it'll work at all haha, but I'm gonna have to start by telling closest friends, and casual chat about that sort of thing seems like a starting point. I've just gotta be honest if people ask me. I've had a enough of hiding it tbh :icon_wink Yeah, I've tried Chip's masturbation challenge and I get aroused by thoughts of men and women alike, so I definitely know I'm not straight. It's that limbo between realising I'm not straight and accepting that I'm not straight which I'm trekking through atm. Deep down I know I'm not straight and if Chip's masturbation challenge is anything to go by, my sexual orientation points into the direction of bi, but it's dismantling the 'fake' me and expressing the 'real' me which is the hardest part. It's gonna take time to come to terms with it, but I can't live locked away anymore. It's time to change that :icon_wink P.S Tbh I've never really done much with either sex. Confidence issues and low priority have basically been the reasons behind that. But there's not much use in me dwelling on the past I guess, I just gotta get out there more and live life
Hi mrbuddha123 Keep the epiphany in mind when you go to take baby steps. Feel the pain of being on your death bed not having lived fully to remind yourself that you must take the baby step then feel the glory of overcoming your fear after you take the baby step. For now you can assume that you are bisexual. As you gain dating experience, you may discover that you have a preference for guys or gals and that's OK. You mentioned that you worry about what people think about you. Have you considered working with a therapist on ways you can care less what people think about you? If you can find a therapist with LGBT experience even better. Waiting to hear about your exploits
Been there, Mr.Buddha. My mom always told me before that she'll cut my hair off (ALL of it) if she found out I am gay, or she'll lock me in an actual closet (lol) so imagine my fears. Anyway, when I fell in love with a guy in HS and I am having emotional issues, I basically told her about it thinking YOLO and cried. I was expecting to pack my bags but she just cried and said sorry and accepted me outright. She told me she just said those things because she thought being gay is a choice and she doesn't want me to be encouraged by it. After seeing me struggle with my first love, she just basically accepted and supported me.
I have found that people tend to be much more empathetic when they realize it's not something you can consciously choose. So if you fear extremely negative backlash from your family you could come out by emphasizing them that you don't really like the way you are but you can't change it. Once I "converted" a homophobe by comparing homosexuality to disability and asked him if he thought it made sense to hate disabled people because of their disability. Granted, he was still uncomfortable around gays but at least he stopped bashing and moralizing.
