Hi there, In short: I am a 30 year-old male struggling profoundly with my orientation. Unfortunately a big part of my social circle already knows, while I am still questioning, which adds a great amount of pressure. For my own well-being and for my future, I want to figure out what I am. This is the reason for my post. Feel free to post your advice, it is greatly appreciated. Sexual attraction: Until age 18, I only fantasized about women and could never have predicted I could like men as well. Since then, gradually but steadily, it's been more and more about men. Nowadays, let's say 90 % of the time I watch gay porn, and only 10 % straight porn. I think I have a gay porn addiction. Strangely enough, the 10 % of the time I watch straight porn, I am still very much aroused by it. I can still have extremely satisfying sexual fantasies about women, sometimes I come even in less than a minute just thinking about f*cking a woman. Then I also have sometimes ridiculously intense orgasms thinking about men. I have noticed my sexuality is really fluid. Sometimes I am in 'straight mood', and just want to think and all I want to do is be the macho guy f*cking a hot girl; sometimes I can be in 'gay mood', and usually but not exclusively I am a dominant top as well. This scares the sh*t out of me and makes me feel weird and scared to come out as anything, because I don't know how to be honest about my sexuality and be accepted in my rather conservative social circles. . Romantic attraction I have once been extremely in love with a woman, to the point where I was sick in my stomach about it. Much more often though, I have had platonic but definitely romantic feelings for women. Quite a number of women have said that I just "wasn't into them as much", and it's true, often I didn't reciprocate their feelings. I don't know if that's a character thing or an orientation thing. With men, I've had way less romantic feelings, and I used to think I was only sexually attracted to them, until I had a boyfriend for 4 months last year. My feelings for him were definitely stronger, and I would love to cuddle with him, lay in bed with him, kiss him, ... but it never came close to my deepest feelings for women. Relationship history: Except for my 1 same sex relationship, I've only had healthy romantic and sexual relationships with women my entire life, although they have been rather few and far between. I've had sex with 4 women in my life. While the sex was amazing with 1 woman, I've been told that I am less touchy/feely than most men. Sometimes I had trouble getting aroused. Again, I don't know whether part of that was social and personal pressures (keeping my sexuality struggles for myself definitely added stress in the bedroom). The sex with my 1 male relationship was great and I also had pretty strong feelings for him, though I'm not sure it was really love. Social context: I have rather conservative social circles while I consider myself a pretty creative open-minded guy. Sometimes I feel pressured by my environment, which consists of a lot of really nice but rather picture-perfect straight couples. Self-identification: I feel most comfortable viewing myself as a straight male, a guy's guy. I think part of this comes from my upbringing and considering myself as a straight male until age 18. My identity is centered around the straight ideal and that's how I want to be approached by people. I have some macho elements to my character and I feel my masculinity is extremely important to me. I can't stand people approaching me as effeminate, and sometimes I wonder if that makes me internally homophobe deep down. However, since a few years I've opened up to the possibility of having a same-sex relationship. I have moments where I consider myself gay and I can picture myself in a relationship with a man. Then again, when I think longer, it seems sort of dull and empty emotionally to be with a man. I would think that I'd just get bored of it and it would surprise me if I could really have strong enough feelings to really sustain a same-sex relationship. On the other hand, I do see myself having feelings for women and having a romantically vivid relationship, but the long-term monogamous concept makes me a bit scared and feels like sort of a 'heavy task'. I could see myself hitting it off really well with a women and find myself feeling trapped after a few years or bored as well. Maybe I am just not a relationship type of person, and that is okay. But I need to know myself better, because I don't want to hurt myself or other people. Anyway, recently, because a lot of people have found out about me, I feel pressured to come out and talk about this. My orientation issues have been spinning round and round in my head for 12 years, especially the last few years and especially the last few weeks, where I've been thinking about it almost non-stop. I feel I am withdrawing from friends out of shame and the isolation makes the obsessive thoughts even worse. I would just want to know what I am and get it over with already. If I am gay, I am gay, that is perfectly fine. In fact, I'd much rather be gay than going back-and-forth for much longer, because that is much more toxic for my private life and inhibiting my romantic life to blossom. I feel like if I were really gay, I would have known for years already. Of course, I am open to the possibility that I am in reality a homophobe unaccepting of his true identity, but unfortunately, I just know I'm not. I just don't feel gay even though I have gay tendencies. I hate my fluid mind. I just want to define it. Thanks for reading. And thanks for any suggestions, they are much appreciated!
Anyone got any advice? Even though I know I have all the answers and should eventually solve this puzzle myself, some input would be much appreciated.
Hello, There is a following test you can take. Note that 'ideal' will create a bit of variance in your answers. Southampton Directory | Klein Sexual Orientation Grid Quiz
Welcome Manu85! You talk about confusion regarding your sexuality, but from your post it is no really clear what your question is, because it seems like you have a pretty good understanding of what your sexuality is, or at least what you want it to come across as: a bisexual guy who is capable of sex and relationships with both. Do you think you might be gay, rather than bi? From what you have said, it sounds more like you are bisexual, but then it also is possible that your post exaggerates the opposite-sex side of your sexuality, only you can know what the reality is. From the post, to me it looks more like your real struggle is not with your sexuality, but with your sense of masculinity and with internalised homophobia, or even biphobia. This kind of struggle essentially comes from the embedded belief that bisexuality does not really exist, and that even if you are bisexual, you are "really" either straight or gay. It stems from the false hope, that there is a level of bisexuality which will allow you to function in the same way as a straight person. Here is where the internalised homophobia comes in, which tells us to always prioritise being in a straight relationship, and it kind of creates a switch in your mind: that having an opposite sex attraction 'erases' the gay part, and vice versa. But bisexual people are every-bit as queer as gay people. If you are bi, having an opposite sex attraction will not erase the part which is capable of same -sex attraction, you will still have to come to terms with loosing the 'straight' identity. With regards to masculinity- there is a variety of gender expressions amongst gay and bisexual men, some are even hyper-masculine, being bi or gay does not make you any less masculine. I think the insecurity might stem from your circle for friends- in conservative environments masculinity is tied to your ability to dominate a woman, and this in itself is not really healthy at all. I would concentrate on seeking out bi and gay male friendships and meet- up groups. There are specifically groups for 'non-scene' guys, 'gay bros', 'straight acting' etc., which would help you reconcile your masculinity with your sexuality, and normalise it.
@Rainbow-Exists: thank you for your interesting graphic; I would be a D3 or E3, depending on who I'm with. @Secrets5: are you sure the test works correctly? I tested a Kinsey 0,86 when I filled it out a bit more conservatively, and a Kinsey 1.05 when I filled it out according to my real feeling. I surely must be at least a Kinsey 2!:lol: @LooseMoose: thanks for you input, but I want to make clear that I have no desire to make my sexuality come across as anything other than what it is. That would be kind of a waste of energy as well on this incognito forum I would think. You make some good points. I agree when you say I have got some internelazid homo- and biphobia. Most definitely. Both of them. I am trying to figure out where I am a homo/biphobe because I need to be more aware of that, and I need to know where it's blocking me from continuing finding my identity and embracing it. I don't agree when you say it is a false hope that a bisexual can live a straight life. A Kinsey 2 (technically bisexual) who is not out to the community, could live pretty much a straight life, with the added occasional frustration about unmet sexual/romantic desires, which might be privately explored with his/her partner. I also don't agree where you suggest my possible internalized belief that an opposite-sex-attraction 'erases' same-sex attraction. I do not believe that. I rather believe the opposite, using the same logic: I don't believe a same-sex attraction erases feelings of attraction to the opposite sex. Which is just as big a cliché that lives in people's heads. Also, when you say that bi's should prepare to lose their straight identity, I assume you are talking about bisexuals who are out? I get the impression that you view me as very afraid of the bi/gay identity. When it comes to losing my masculinity, yes, I will defend that to every last bit, whoever touches that will be crucified And yes, I strongly believe I have the good right to not say anything to anyone about my orientation if I don't want to and only when I feel ready. But to myself, I have no problem admitting same-sex attraction and feelings. I am really quite open - though a bit neurotic and obsessive :bang: - to just figuring out my true identity and adopting and loving it genuinely, whatever it is, as a stepping stone to a truthful honest life. Thanks again for your input, it is much appreciated! I have started to inform about meet-up groups for bisexuals and I'm trying to build more friendships now within the gay community (actually one of my best friends is gay). And I've been making progress!
