Hi everyone, This is a long one, but I'd really appreciate your help... Here is my story and my questions. I have to admit i'm pretty tired and need to get perspective. Background First off, I am a 26 year old male. I come from a well educated family, and am surrounded by people who are very accepting of homosexuality. My parents (at least my mother, unsure about my dad), siblings and extended family would likely be very accepting. My immediate work environment is extremely accepting and wouldn't care any way. I've always thought I was a bit different, but that was across many spheres, and sexuality was only one amongst others. There is a lot of asperger's/autism in my family (Dad and Brother have definite high-functioning autism diagnosed by professionals), and I probably have it too, because I had to teach myself to have normal social behaviour when I was in high-school. ------------------- Experiences/Memories As far as I remember, I was never a very sexual person. I would notice girls, but never had any frank/sudden/passionate desire to have sex with them. I would sort of notice guys, but not in any sexual way either. My crushes were always about girls - cute pretty ones, not super hot/etc. and in great part about their personality. I occasionally had a desire to kiss some of them, but infrequently. Same with guys. I had some really good guy friends, and felt clumsy around them, but I always thought It was probably because I'm weird socially, and wanted to look cool/good and be accepted by them as friends. If I count throughout my life, up to about 3 years ago, I may have had 2-3 strong feeling warm/sexual feelings. Two for girls, 1 for a guy. While I questioned myself a bit at the time when the guy one happened, I guess I sort of pushed it aside a bit and forgot it. --------------- Current situations Fast forward around 22ish. Start seeing this girl I've known for a few years. We go out for a trip as friends, and I show some interest. Not sure what pushed me, but I was trying for some physical contact. She didn't answer initially, but eventually decided to kiss me. First kiss, felt strange (almost empty) and my first thought was : "Holy shit, I felt almost nothing, maybe I'm gay?!". Pushed it aside, became a bit more pleasurable. Physically got into oral and etc. Didn't mind - actually enjoyed giving oral. I had to leave for a long trip shortly after. As I was there - almost every guy I ran into caused me to have a strong spasm like sensation in my chest. Didn't matter what type of guy, strong built, small built, strong features, long hair, beard... Anything. Sort of found them cute I guess, but it was very disturbing. This caused more questioning. At the same time, as this relationship developed with this girl, I felt like I was missing the sexual attraction part. I enjoyed sex most of the time, but it wasn't always easy. This spasm like feeling for guys waxed and waned. It disappeared for about maybe a year at some point (last year or so). About 6-7 months ago, this girl ended up breaking up with me in pretty horrible conditions. At that point, that feeling came back, but developed itself in a more attraction like pattern. I ended up going into another relationship with a girl, and while I'm pretty sure I had physical attraction to her (everything is unclear now), I'm back in the same cycle. ----------------- Summary questions So here is the situation as I see it: 1) I have sort of attraction to guys (I think). It is now a bit more targeted around some specific features of guys, but remains quite broad. It is very weird - I will not infrequently know somebody new is coming, and think in my head "shit, I hope he isn't hot", and then comes along, nothing special, but the hamster started rolling in its cage. To the point where I start analyzing features, become uncomfortable (in a sort of crush way) and have difficulty looking at or talking to the person. It often starts with some feature of them, then expands to other features as I look. It's almost like I'm checking myself to see if I feel something - but I do feel something (I think). 2) As this happens, I lose whatever attraction I have to girls. They all become the same, bland, whatever. However, there are periods where I think I get interested in girls, and get this same feeling of being attracted to their smile, their body (legs and backs especially), and wanting probably a bit more. It changes up to every week. 3) It's to the point where I'm starting to convince myself I'm gay, even though I don't actually feel that interested in having sex with guys. Mostly wondering if I should just do it to get it over with. 4) As I was younger, I never was much to be interested in women bodies. Always found vaginas looked funny, and breasts were hit and miss. Back and legs were more my thing. Always admired guy's bodies, but up to recently, didn't ever have any sexual attraction to them. Even now, I'm not sure. 5) Sex - frequently complicated and difficult. I get turned on during foreplay without any contact. We get into it, and while I am excited to penetrate her, I start losing interest when I'm actually in her. Receiving oral isn't very sexy to me. I however really enjoy masturbating while looking at her masturbating, looking at her body, or having her rubbing herself against me. All in all, I'm really unsure about what's going on in my mind. Am I gay? Is my mind turning itself against me (I have non-significant OCD like thought patterns)? Has this happened to anyone before? I've improved my social behaviour significantly and people don't notice anything anymore, but a great part is self-taught from conscious observation. Is this where all of this stems from?
Hey! I know this can get really difficult (trust me). I can't tell you what your sexuality is, but if I had to guess I would guess you were bisexual in some form (attracted to boys and girls not necessarily in the same way). Some terms to look into would be: romantic, physical, and sexual attraction and heteroflexible (I think you might really identify with that). Hope that helped!
Hey everyone... Sorry for the necro, but I've been away for a bit. While I was away for a few weeks, my mind went a bunch of places. It seems that whenever I leave the country, and go to see my family, I have more time to think and my thoughts go a lot of places. I have good weeks and bad weeks. Weeks where I'm feeling good, I'm noticing girls more than guys, and while I don't get the obsessive thoughts when I see nice looking girls, I enjoy looking. Other moments, usually starting with me noticing a guy, cause a spiral of obsession. I'll give an example. Last week, I was going a teaching session on anatomy, and we use live models. We were rotating through a room, and I noticed from afar one of the models, laying on a stretcher, muscular not bad looking dude. Far away look, so minimal ability to discern anything, but something triggered in my brain. Ignored it for a bit, focused on my work, but kept having it come back, and looking intermittently. Then we proceeded to that area, and I had the time to look more. Felt somewhat attracted, noticing a nice muscular body, and observed the different muscles. Didn't have any impulse to do anything, but then wondered what it all meant, which lead me to wonder if I wanted to touch the pecs, shoulder, abs, whatever. I was unable to get away from these thoughts, and unable to look away. Hard to focus on something else. Never felt physical sexual arousal, but kept wondering if I wanted to touch, and what it might do to me if I touched. Then wondered if I should ask him out and see what happens, and etc. It felt more like questioning "what if", "what would it mean" than "yeah, I want to date this dude." Afterwards, after a good 10-15 days of not asking myself a ton of questions, I have been obsessed with figuring it out again - perusing those forums, looking at straight and gay porn, questioning myself. A never-ending obsessive string of questions. I'm in a conflicted state right now, because I'm with this woman. I like her a lot, don't know if I love her. We spend a lot of fun times together. Enjoy the sex, although it often feels mechanical, but sometimes just feels great and wonderful. While earlier in the week, I was feeling so great, and thinking this could actually go somewhere, to the point where I finished tapering my anti-anxiety pills, I am now in 2 days back to thinking about stopping everything with her and just isolating myself from everyone to give my brain a break. I don't think it's purely related to stopping my pills however, because this kind of questioning and events happened on it. Also has been a lot easier to climax off the pills than before, so it should have helped. Any thoughts? I don't expect any specific answers, I just wanted to vent and see if anybody had been going through something similar... I'm tired.
