What up y'all? I am new to the forum, and I was wondering if anyone on here could help me figure out some questions that I've been trying to figure out. So I've suspected since my high school years that my sexuality was not typical for someone my age. I did not experience attraction or the desire for sexual intimacy in the slightest, and was confused for a long time as to why this was the case. Because of the shitty sexual education taught in school, I was forced to take to the internet for an explanation. After many hours of research, I came to the conclusion that I was asexual, as well as aromantic. I was relieved that there existed an orientation that described what I was feeling (or rather not feeling, haha). I came out not too long ago on social media to a few close friends and family members, and the reaction was positive, for the most part. Most of the people I know are pretty open minded, thankfully, so as long as I'm happy, they're cool with whatever. My parents weren't really convinced though, and insisted that, because I'm not a very social person, that I just need to "put myself out there more". Which I can understand the reasoning behind, but I was pretty sure that I was overall asexual, because at that point, the idea of attraction was a mystery to me, and I was, legally speaking, an adult by then. So all seemed well then. I was out to the people that mattered, and I wasn't disowned or anything, so I consider that a victory (only half-joking). However, literally a week after I came out, I had an epiphany of sorts: I discovered that I had probably been attracted to my close friend since we were younger. She and I have known each other since we were 11, and were very close. However, we had a falling out after she started dating, and long story short, I became irrationally angry with her for doing so and called her some pretty offensive things. I feel like shit for treating her the way I did, but after finding out I was asexual, I rationalized that I was projecting my own insecurities about my lack of sexual attraction onto her. However, now that I think of it, my reaction could have been out of jealously that someone else was being intimate with her. She would make weird thoughts and desires pop into my head when we were going through puberty. Looking back, I can remember several times where I hoped that, for instance, our sleepovers would become intimate, or where I would sit next to her and feel the urge to touch her in a sexual way. I could go on, but I don't want to make this too, too long. These thoughts would be ignored by me, and I would never act on them or try to understand them, because they didn’t seem too weird or consequential at the time. Now, a little about her: she identified as bisexual when we were in school together, but then just recently discovered that she is actually a lesbian who was desperately trying to like guys because of heteronormativity. She's pretty tall and has a fairly attractive figure, notably her breasts, at least in my opinion. Her face is also very attractive, and she has a very flirtatious and bold personality that contrasted my more reserved and analytical one. She's not very shy with touching others, especially her friends, which made me a little uncomfortable, whether from asexuality or something else, I have no idea at this point. She goes to a different college than me, and we have also rekindled our friendship and are on good terms, though not as close as we were. She also has a girlfriend that she really seems to be into, which is just my luck. I had all of high school to explore these feelings towards her, and now that I am, she's in another school and in a relationship. :dry: Anyway, since coming to this conclusion that I probably am attracted to my female best friend (note that I am biologically female, but am questioning my gender, but that's another post for another day), I have been trying to find out ways to explore my sexuality and see whether or not I am attracted to women after all. I have discovered that I have a fascination with female breasts, and also like hips. I've always loved the female form, but it's mostly been more of an aesthetic attraction. I like to sketch in my spare time, and usually you'll find me drawing the adult female form. It's just so soft and curvy and visually pleasing, ahhh:icon_redf However, I didn't think that I was a lesbian because vaginas kind of grossed me out, and sticking my face anywhere near one was not appealing. Now, however, I have opened myself up to the idea to having sex with a woman, and even find myself desiring a female partner to perform my fantasies with, which is all new to me. I could go on all day about the things I realized I liked about women, but I’m still confused as to whether or not I’m attracted to them and legitimately want to have sex with them, or if they just appeal to me visually. It’s difficult to tell when I haven’t had much experience with sex and attraction. It’s all just so confusing. I do plan on telling my friend about my feelings, and seeing where that lands me. I’m going to be honest with her and ask her that, if she does not return my feelings, if our friendship can remain unaffected. I’m hoping beyond hopes that maybe our feelings are mutual and she would be up for being with me in some intimate way, but she really seems to like her girlfriend a lot. But then again, she’s been in open relationships before, and anything’s possible, right? I won’t force her into anything, no matter what, because I care about her a lot and want her to be comfortable with me, whether that be as a friend or lover or whatever. My problems center on knowing whether or not I really am attracted to girls, or maybe I’m… I don’t know, ashamed of my asexuality. While many were okay with it, some, including my parents did not take me seriously. I’ve tried to be attracted to men, but I’m just… not. Sure, I’m pretty curious about having sex with a man, because you only live once, so why not? But being in a relationship with a man makes me uncomfortable, and like I said, the attraction is just not there. I just don’t want to just say that I’m attracted to women just so I can be attracted to at least SOMETHING; I only want to say that I’m attracted to women if I actually am. That said, I am completely okay with being in a sexual relationship with a female, and I think have felt sexual attraction to pictures of girls (maybe?). I’ve also considered that I could be in the gray area of asexuality, and while that is a pretty likely possibility, I just am not sure. I have many friends who are lesbians or bisexual and not once have I considered doing anything with them, despite some of them showing interest in me. It would make sense to me if I was in between asexual and homosexual (gray-homo-asexual? That’s a mouthful, haha!) I’m also nervous about going back on what I said about me being asexual to my relatives (my friends would probably be okay with it). I just don’t want to seem like a liar, or not have anyone take me seriously because I’m too wishy-washy. I mean, I guess it’s expected because I’m still young, and I’m probably blowing this fear way out of proportion, but still. I also have some homophobic relatives that I’m afraid to tell, but I really am not too concerned with them, because I don’t see them very often. I think it bothers me that I was wrong about being asexual as well. I guess I feel a bit foolish for coming to premature conclusions about myself, but I guess that’s just part of being human. Anywho, thank you for paying attention to my rambling. It felt good to just get that out, haha! Can anyone relate to my experiences? Any response and advice would be very much appreciated! Also feel free to ask me any questions (although I might not be able to answer some accurately right now). (*hug*)
Omg girl. I could not relate to your post anymore! (I'm going to try and make this brief because there's a lot too this that can be skipped yadda yadda) All throughout school (K-12th) I always felt like an odd-ball for not having a lick of interest in guys. My parents thought it was just my nature born shyness, my friends thought I was the adorable 'virgin-type' of our group, and I was losing my mind because I had no idea what people meant when they though a guy was sexy or hot or cute. To me, they just looked like half naked guys! I didn't see anything pleasant about it! (They kind of look like apes tbh xD). ANYWAY! Got to high school and I was introduced to the world of sex. (Of course some people talked about it in brief in middle school, but in high school that literally all anyone would talk about). Googled why I didn't like guys, and the first thing that I came across was asexuality. Not thinking it through, I settled with that just to keep my friends off my back. It was nice for a while, but like the straight thing, it still sort of felt wrong. I decided to leave my sexuality alone for almost a year. BUT THEN THE BIG Q CAME BACK! FAST FORWARD to the summer premier of OITNB. LESBIAN. OH MY GOD LESBIANS. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was hooked. I kept googling, watching porn, and read up on anything slightly gay. I watched youtuber coming out videos and found a lot of it relatable. I went nuts basically. I started to wonder why I hadn't considered if I was gay. I literally met all the criteria. I was so stressed over the possibility that I was gay that I literally had to sit down one day and think about why I was a problem for me. I was stressed because there was a HUGE possibility that I was gay. I started thinking about the little things. I got tiny memories that hinted at this one bigger picture. I mean I STILL get these tiny memories out of the blue. Some of the questions that helped me were: Why did I feel awkward when my (girl) friends hugged me? Why did I obsess over Alyson Stoner when my sisters where into the Jonus Brothers? Why did I feel like I wanted 'to claim' some of my closer gal friends? Where those crushes? Last year was my 'Am I gay?' year. This year was my 'HA I get it... IM GAY' year.
If we're using the widely accepted definition, what you are describing doesn't seem to match the definition of asexuality. The other terms (grey asexual, etc) and the alternative definition of asexual are not accepted by much of anyone outside of the tiny group that's promoted their use, and have no sound basis or grounding in clinical study, research, or wide use, so you typically find there's tremendous disagreement, even among those who promote the terms, in their meaning. In other words... not a whole lot of help. I think it is far more likely that what you're experiencing is within the normal spectrum of same-sex attraction, and the lack of strong feelings are most likely tied to angst and concern over accepting and loving yourself for who you are. In fact, simply the anxiety of worrying about where you fit can make it difficult to feel the arousal, because part of you probably wishes that you were just "ordinary" and heterosexual. I see no reason why you shouldn't explore the potential of this relationship and see where it leads you. And simply keep an open mind. It's pretty clear you can experience sexual arousal and attraction, so I think as you trust yourself more and worry less about the specific label, it will become easier and more clear where you fit on the spectrum.
