As the title of this post suggests, I'm very, very, very lonely. I've been single for 5 years now and I don't mean just 'I haven't found the right guy' or 'I'm waiting for Mr Right' but I mean properly and desperately single. I have had no dates, no romance and the pitiful amount of sex I've been lucky enough to have donated to me has just reinforced how alone I am. It feels as if I've just been locked out of gay romantic life and there's a secret password the other guys just don't want to give a fat loser like me. To make matters worse, I'm still living with my parents having graduated from university (with a pretty good degree) last year - although I am looking for work. The cherry on this awful, collapsed, sat-on cake is that I was offered the job of my dreams last year, I accepted it and was let go after 5 months due to budget cuts. So, to recap, I'm 5 years single, totally lonely and professionally struggling. There are aspects of this which make it worse. I've sat and watched all my friends (ALL OF THEM) hook up, date, some have gotten married and more and more of them are becoming involved with people. I, on the other hand, have done absolutely none of this and none of it seems to be coming my way. I genuinely don't want my friends to be as unhappy as I am but I would like to be as happy as they are for once. It all points to one thing, I'm the weirdo, the oddball, the reject, the geeky loser who's slightly overweight and desperately lonely. This also points to one eventual terminal destination. I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded temporal gun. My friends, kind as they are, are all going to get partnered up and hitched and then, there won't be time for me any more. My requests for coffee will go politely declined in favour of their city breaks and family days and what time they do dedicate to their one scrapheap, charity case of a friend will become more of an obligation or an act of philanthropic generosity than anything fun. I can't blame them, they'll have more important stuff to do by that point. I can see where this goes. I feel like I'm going to end up as a creepy old man, standing at the end of the gay bar getting soaked for drinks by the same dreamy twinks I lust after today. Then, at 3am, the lights come up, as they do now, and I'm alone, as I am now, and I trudge home alone, as I do now. Then, finally, there comes the morning where I don't wake up and there it is - a life lived alone has come to an end alone. No one cries, barely anyone even knows. So there you have it. I'm 28, professionally impotent, sexually frustrated, lonely, desperate and my life has gone no where near where I wanted it to. Thoughts? Advice? Solidarity?.... point?
You don’t mention what your degree is in, but if all else fails, you should consider writing. Your post was very eloquent and I believe that some of the solutions to your problems can be found in this expressive talent you apparently possess. Writing alleviates internal tension. Maybe start a diary? There are so many things in your post that I would like to comment on, so sorry but this is going to be a long text. I want to start by saying that I know many intelligent, well-educated people who have had a hard time finding and/or keeping a job. Don’t let the crap economy bring you down or define you as a person. You are not your job! (or lack thereof). It sucks being unemployed but eventually you will find something to do. What are the odds that an educated person in Britain will go their entire life without employment? It will come, eventually, so don’t worry too much about that part right now. Focus on changing the parts of your life that you have more control over. There are an infinite number of possibilities and options when it comes to life. You can move to another city or even another country, make new friends, get a different kind of job, change almost every aspect of your life. Get a plane ticket to Tel Aviv (around £100), go to the Kibbutz office and volunteer, spend 3+ months living and working on a Kibbutz (at no cost, you get room + board, and a small allowance) Take the train to Paris. Join the French Foreign Legion for the next 5 years. Or given that you are an EU citizen you can move to another country to study (whatever you want). I would suggest Denmark, Holland, or Sweden, where you actually get paid money to study. (+ you can get away with only speaking English) It sounds to me like you are stuck. Stuck in the lifepath people around you have followed and the ideals you’ve created for yourself. But you do not have to be exactly like your friends or anyone else for that matter. You call yourself a weirdo, oddball, reject, and geeky loser. But these are all words that are used to compare yourself to other people. They say nothing about who you are as a person. There are plenty of people that feel like outsiders in some groups but who fit perfectly in others. So maybe your group of friends, no matter how great they are, should not be your only group. I have personally always found solace in knowing many different types of people and being a part of many different social groups. Sometimes I’m the freak, sometimes I the “normal one”, sometimes I’m the boring one, sometimes I’m the “cool” one. It all depends on who you are with. And if you consistently feel like an outsider then it might be time to broaden your social horizons. The second point I would like to make is about loneliness. Being lonely is horrible. I have been single for awhile now and I really miss the intimacy that comes from a relationship. It super sucks not having anyone special in your life. But the only way you can change that is to go out and meet a lot of different people. Go to different bars. In different cities. Maybe travel? Then you could be the guy with the super hot Spanish boyfriend instead of the creepy old man you mentioned. And stop calling yourself a fat loser or any of the other negative terms you use to describe yourself. You are awesome and beautiful and great! And if you let yourself believe anything else then that is going to be what others will see. And don’t see the sex you have had as a “donation”. You didn’t force them to sleep with you. They wanted to. Otherwise they wouldn’t have done it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. And last of all. Killing yourself is never the answer! You are 28 years old and you have so much potential to do good things for yourself and others. So don’t get so stuck in the current crappy circumstances that you forget that they are temporary. If you kill yourself then you are robbing your future love of the life you could have together. Somewhere there is someone who needs YOU and if you take your own life they will never get to meet you. And beyond that, if you kill yourself you will never have been more than you are right now. Your life to this point will be your legacy. And that would be a big waste. For you and for all the people whose lives you will come into.
