Hello everyone, I have been having a lot of stress lately. I'm a 19 year old woman and I grew up in a Christian family where sex is something to be saved until after marrying your dream man (for women). My parents had sex before marrying and urged against it because it can "complicate" thing. I think the cultural values I have been exposed to have made me see sex as something bad and to be frowned upon - something dirty. I am a very sexual individual and I often feel strong feelings of guilt about this. In my previous relationships, I would become disgusted while kissing my boyfriend. I felt like guys only wanted me for sex and even if my boyfriend and I were really good friends, I couldn't feel physical attraction towards him. A two year relationship of mine was broken up by my inability to reciprocate physical desire for my boyfriend. Also, my friends will look at guys and comment on how hot they are, but I don't see them like that. Those things have led to me question whether or not I'm attracted to men. I've had crushes on my female teachers before and on female models, but I don't know if it's a sincere physical attraction or not. I'm supposed to go out on a date with a very beautiful woman and I'm afraid of disappointing her as I have the guys I have previously dated due to my own sexual insecurity (if it is that?) and uncertainty. I'm really tired of letting people down and I want to know what my morals are and distinguish them from the societal ones I was taught to value. I feel the best way for me to know my own sexuality is to try different things, but I have crushing feelings of fear and anxiety around anything physical with other people. Do you guys have any advice for me about figuring out my own preferences and what my values are? I've watched so many YouTube videos about sexuality, but there's a huge difference between watching something and experiencing it. I feel my own preconceived notions of sex and sexual orientation are biasing me.
You shouldn't have any sort of confusion between orientation and religion. I once asked a nun about me being gay and she told me that if my feelings were pure, I shouldn't be worried at all. Sex is not bad. You're young. It's normal that you have those feelings. But have safe sex until you find your significant other, please. Even if you find that person, be extremely sure about what you are exposing to. Don't pressure yourself about labels. That's not important. If you like somebody, it's not bad. As I told you before, that's completely natural. The way of figuring out your preferences could be by trying, for example. But be careful. And yes, experience can be helpful. (&&&)
I guess you do need to work out what your own values are, as opposed to those inherited from your parents. I don't know what your religion is, but assuming it is mainstream Christian, you will know that there is a diversity of views about sex within Christianity. I think the same is true for Islam. Maybe explore counter arguments to those your parents and their brand of religion would use, but still within your faith tradition.
