Hello all. I am such a state and I do not know what to do. Please help me. I am a 19 year old male with a girlfriend of five years that I truly adore. I love her and care about her so much. We have had sex hundreds of times and I always loved it, and it honestly fulfilled me. I always could not wait to sleep with her and she felt the same. However, recently I have been having these thoughts that I am gay and it has gotten to the point of a an excruciating paranoid obsession. It has completely changed me, I am now on anti depressants as I was not sleeping, eating, was crying all day every day and was contemplating suicide. Please do not see this as homophobia, I have nothing against homosexuality I just do not want a life without my girlfriend and I feel guilty for her. It is strange, I have always been so sure of my heterosexuality. Whenever I have been out it is always girls that I wanted to notice me and that I would flirt with and I have only ever felt romantic connections with girls. I have also only ever been able to masterbate to straight porn and only ever thought about girls when I had no porn. My girlfriend was always completely satisfying to me and, with hindsight I honestly think I was always being honest with myself. I have never felt repressed or unsatisfied before. I really love her. However, recently, and extremely suddenly, I have lost all interest in sex with her, I do not feel turned on by it and, when I do it, I think I am just doing it to prove my heterosexuality? My girlfriend thinks my lack of libido may be due to the depression. Also, I have started not noticing girls whilst out and look at men instead. Not in a sexual way at all, but I always look at men's faces first now? So much of my actions feel forced now, I am always judging myself and testing myself while out. Asking myself things like who do I find more attractive etc. I also keep asking myself to try and imagine being intimate with a guy but do not know if I am just giving myself a reason to fantasise about guys before I do it? I have been really trying to get into gay porn recently to see how I respond. I find it really hard to become aroused by it but managed to actually masterbate to one video recently but it was considerably more difficult than usual. Maybe the reason I do not get as aroused by it is because I am scared of what it would mean? I am tearing myself apart. Every action I make I try to evaluate and judge. I am honestly terrified of being gay because of what it would do to my PERFECT girlfriend. I just do not understand how I could really fancy her and love sex with her two weeks ago but now I feel nothing? What is happening to me. Every reason I find for me being heterosexual I pin to denial and every reason I find for me being gay I am terrified of. Sorry that was long but I really need help. Thank you x
First off, I relate nearly 100% to your story. I grew up thinking that I was nothing other than heterosexual, and spent over a decade exclusive dating women. During that time, I followed your exact outline: I was only interested in women, I only flirted with women, I only watched straight porn, and I never considered men to be attractive. At the age of 27, I had a sudden switch in mindset/attraction/sexual orientation. I began to recognize that there were a host of things that I wouldn't allow myself to do because I considered myself solely heterosexual. Once the denial eroded and the walls fell, it took about a month to start a living a life that actually felt right to me. During that time, I reinterpreted almost every memory I ever had; I would go through intense ways of emotions; I would try to reassert my heterosexuality; there were times that I could not and would not believe that I might be gay. Although there were mentals hardships that still continue today, I am so much happier being an openly gay man. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, because I feel that I am no longer hiding a truth from myself or the world. My sexual lust for women continued right up until my sudden realization, so I can't offer my personal advice there. I will say this: labido issues can be the manifestation of a vast array of overarching problems. It doesn't mean you are gay; however, the fact that you sought out this particular forum may be more convincing evidence in that arena than anything else. I will say this: be gentle with yourself. Take your time. You don't have to make any decisions now. You don't have to figure anything out if you don't want to. Continue to listen to your heart, remain honest, and you will naturally descent deeper into your true self. Also: "I am honestly terrified of being gay because of what it would do to my PERFECT girlfriend." If this is your primary concern, then both you and her will be fine. It may be tough for her at first, but she will recover and have a happy life. More likely, you are experiencing the fear that naturally corresponds to a major change such as this.
Thank you so much for your response. In all honesty, i am just so relieved that this experience is not exclusive to me. The feelings of isolation and condemnation were becoming overwhelming. This whole situation just has me so confused. I do not understand how I can suddenly change, I really do not want to. I am seriously angry at how unfair it is that I fell completely in love with someone I fancied the knickers off, and they fell in love with me and now I might be ruining that. We were always happy together and our relationship actually worked. I a so unwilling to let that love slide but I feel so guilty. I just wish I was faced with a definite answer to my sexuality so that I could just deal with it. It is not even like I am leaning one way or the other in my mind, I am just totally confused, and my second-guessing of every action and thought makes it impossible to actually fairly judge myself. I hate the idea of being gay solely because I love my partner and am happy with her (up until these last weeks) and I have contemplated suicide and other silly actions because I would literally do anything not to be me anymore. Your comment was very helpful to me but I just do not know how proceed. I feel like I do not have the time to find out who I am because I have my girlfriend waiting for me. Btw, I have told her I am having doubts about my sexuality and she has been incredibly supportive (obviously-she is wonderful). I am so, so unhappy but hope that it will change. Again, thank you
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. If you go through some of the threads here, or gay later in life forum, you will find many very similar experiences posted by other members. Although you are confused about your sexuality, you seem to have a very good awareness of what is going on, which is a great thing for your future. Like you said, I think the fact that having a great girlfriend is making you feel like you can't fully question or explore your sexuality. However, maybe you can try to think that since you have such a great girlfriend, this is perfectly the opportunity for you to question and explore your sexuality on your own terms. You two seem to communicate very well, and whatever you decide in the end, I'm sure you will always be in her life and vice versa. For what its worth, bisexuals experience fluctuation of attraction, so this may also be the case of you as well. Just because you are curious about the same sex does not make you entirely gay. I think people like to try to figure out what their sexuality "is", but we tend to forget that everything is in constant flux, and that there is only "becoming". In that sense, I try to focus on how I feel at this moment and accept that as my temporary truth. In the same way, maybe you can focus on how you feel at the moment and acknowledge it, instead of questioning it and testing it. How you feel may change the next day, but why shouldn't it? Over time, you will better understand the fluctuation of your own emotions and will have a more coherent understanding of yourself, but this takes time and most importantly, acceptance. No amount of conscious questioning and testing will yield the same result. Also, I believe you when you say you don't have any problems with homosexuality, but I think you mean homosexuality as a concept. Most of the time when people go through something similar to your experience, they are experiencing internalized homophobia. Even though they understand and accept the concept of homosexuality, the idea of themselves being a homosexual is so foreign and scary to them that it's hard to accept. I know it's also hard to accept because of the thought of losing your girlfriend, but I recommend you question also the chance that you do indeed have internalized homophobia, like the majority of the population. Lastly, I know it feels scary to lose the good things you have over this, but 1. the things that truly matter will never be lost, and 2. You will discover many other great things as you experience life as authentic as possible. I hope you can believe that there is so much in store for you in the future, even if you don't end up with your current girlfriend. In the meanwhile, try to take it easy and keep going!
Thank you AlmostBlue for your very generous advice. I am curious, what do you mean by 'explore my sexuality by my own terms'? I understand that bisexuality is often seen as fluid and constantly sliding, and, I do think it makes more sense that I am bisexual because I had such a genuine and fulfilling interest in women and my partner. However, my brain, for some reason, will not even entertain the possibility of me being bi? Is this just a result of my overwhelming anxiety, forcing me to only consider the black and white opposites? Do you have any extra advice on how to combat internalised homophobia? 'The things that really matter will never be lost' made me feel good. Thank you so much X
Of course, I'm glad if anything I say can be of some help. What I meant about exploring your sexuality by your own terms was that since your girlfriend is understanding, I assume she's not pressuring you to figure things out right away, or giving you an ultimatum. This means that you can try to figure things out slowly, maybe even through discussing this with her, which I think is a healthy approach. The worst is when someone questions their sexuality and then isolates themselves out of fear and shame. Sexuality is a normal part of human life and I think everyone should be able to explore it openly. I'm not sure why your brain tries to think in terms of black and white. You are not alone in this phenomenon though. Take a look at this thread, for example: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/198596-married-confused.html Bisexuality can be a tricky identity to pick as most people prefer a clearcut idea when it comes to identity. A lot of people who have had genuine same sex and opposite sex feelings and experiences still end up identifying as gay or straight. At the end of the day, identity is a matter of personal choice (especially from an existentialist perspective). Maybe it will help you to also think that there is no true scientific classification of sexuality. It is a very complex spectrum, and we just choose labels that "feel" right for us. I know someone who identifies as gay but is in a heterosexual relationship. The opposite happens as well. Rather recently, this post went quite viral: I'm An Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell In Love With His Best Friend) - mindbodygreen.com I know it can be so confusing, but sometimes we make it confusing ourselves. I hope you can arrive at your own truth, and when you do, the labels you pick probably will not matter. As for internalized homophobia, I think just coming to forums like this and reading about others and interacting could be a good first step. Of course, meeting LGBT people in real life would be great, but it could be hard depending on your location and how ready you are, etc. There are many youtube channels that show ordinary lives of LGBT people, as well as educational videos. I think once we start seeing how normal any type of sexuality is, we start deconstructing not only our homophobia, but our preconceived prejudiced ideas on gender and sexuality in general. It can take some time though, so try to be patient, but I can assure you that everything will be much better soon.
