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What really is romantic orientation, i'm confused?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by beastwith2backs, Jan 3, 2016.

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  1. beastwith2backs

    beastwith2backs Guest

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    So...i'm pretty shure my sexual orientation is towards the same sex, and for the longest time, that's all i thought there was too it. But then i heard of something called a "romantic orientation" which means who you are attracted to romantically. I don't really know what that means for the following reasons. One, isn't romance just stuff you(usually girls) read about in books? It's not real love right? Whatever that is. The term is kinda confusing for me because i'm used to thinking that romance is just in movies and books/ fictional. With that aside, i don't know if i feel any deep longing to be with another person for the rest of my life. I think i has to do with me mentally distancing myself away from people, because i don't want to get hurt emotionally, or physically. I'm not used to being super attached to people basically. Also, i'm not the "cuddly, says chivalrous things, says "i love you" etc;" type anyway. I kinda think this is bad thing, because i kinda wanna keep a relationship with someone when i get older, but i don't want it to seem like i hate being with that person. Mabye i'm aromantic?

    Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, i'm literally typing as i think, and i have to battle outside noises that are distracting me.
     
    #1 beastwith2backs, Jan 3, 2016
  2. YinYang

    YinYang
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    Sexual orientation is who you are sexually attracted to, AKA who you want to have sex with. Romantic orientation is who you are romantically attracted to, AKA who you want to date. Dating someone does not mean you have to have sex with them and sex is not something that is necessary for a strong relationship. You usually see people who are asexual specifying their romantic orientation, but a person's romantic orientation can be different from a person's sexual orientation in any circumstance.
     
    #2 YinYang, Jan 4, 2016
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    There's no credible indication (study, clinical experience, data) to indicate there's actually a separation between romantic and sexual orientations. What seems to have happened, at least in most cases, is that people are trying to label something that has always been part of the process of coming out.

    When we process the loss of our identity as straight, we go through stages in dealing with that: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Up until a few years ago, people often indicated they were bisexual as part of the bargaining process. (This isn't to say there aren't people who are truly bisexual; only that many gay people essentially improperly used the bi label as a bridge identity.)

    Now, it seems a small group of people came up with the (unfounded) idea of a separation between romantic and sexual identity, and a disproportionate number of them are people who seem to be early in the coming-out process; you rarely, if ever, see someone who has been out for 5+ years still claiming this separation.

    So yes, it can be confusing, and that's why I suggest throwing that whole notion out the window as there's nothing to indicate it is actually the case. What is far more likely is you're trying to come to terms with your same-sex attraction, but trying to hold onto the straight identity.

    Also, it's worth noting that the description and words people use when describing romantic (non-sexual) attraction is consistent with the definitoin of another word: friendship. But for some reason, people don't get that it is quite possible to have a deep, powerful, meaningful friendship that is simply a friendship.
     
    #3 Chip, Jan 4, 2016
  4. beastwith2backs

    beastwith2backs Guest

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    (Omg, and admin replied to me! First time too!)


    So what you're saying is, there's really no difference between romantic and sexual orientation, and it's just something made up by people who newly came out, just to come to terms with their sexual orientation. If that's the case, then why do some people say that their " bi romantic but straight" or "hetero romantic but gay, or " a romantic but gay" and so on. Doesn't that mean it's a real thing that can be determined, or something you can't feel, (if you're a romantic?) couldn't be something more than a friendship?
     
    #4 beastwith2backs, Jan 4, 2016
  5. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    I disagree with Chip's view on these things. He tends to view labels as a scientific way of describing your precise sexual attraction patterns, while many people tend to use them just as social or personal identifiers that describe how they feel. Many people do feel a split between romantic and sexual orientation and if that's how they want to label that feeling so they can find a community of other people who feel similarly, is it really anyone's place to tell them their orientation isn't real.

    Here's a different perspective: romantic orientation and sexual orientation are different things but in the vast majority of people, they line up, so that the feelings essentially become indistinguishable. Romantic orientation is basically who want to kiss and fall in love with and be in a relationship with. Sexual orientation is who you feel physically attracted to.

    I think there are definitely people who mistake strong feelings of friendship for non-platonic feelings (e.g. the existence of 'queerplatonic' relationships), but there's a difference between romantic and sexual feelings, and there's no reason they shouldn't be possible to experience separately.
     
    #5 darkcomesoon, Jan 4, 2016
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