I've always felt more drawn to women and girls, from an early age, but not necessarily in a sexual way. I only realized that I was attracted to girls when I fell in love with my best friend at around 14/15. I am both sexually and romantically attracted to girls. Sometimes I find the idea of the heterosexual sex act arousing, but I never feel attracted to any guys, either in real life or on tv. All of my celebrity crushes are female. The thing that's causing me to doubt myself is that I remember I had a crush on my male best friend when I was 11/12. He was my first real friend and I loved having his attention. I sort of idolized him. He was always emotionally distant and secretive though. The crush wasn't very sexual, but I don't think I would have been grossed out by the idea of having sex with him. It just never occurred to me. He was very charismatic and a lot of girls were into him. But I was closer to him because we were friends. I remember getting very jealous when he showed an interest in another girl in my class and I can distinctly remember crying myself to sleep over the whole situation. I recently saw a photo of him on Facebook (he's 20 now) and I have no idea what I found attractive about him. Can anyone help me understand this? It's causing me to doubt my sexuality because I keep thinking that if I've felt emotionally attracted to a guy in the past, then I've somehow got it in me, and that I'm somehow suppressing heterosexual attractions.
Well my main piece of advice would be, don't feel pressured to put a label on you sexuality. Personally I can relate to your situation as I am mainly attracted to women but I have been attracted to men in the past, which is why I have come out as bisexual but with a preference towards women. I would say just explore how you feel and if you do want to put a label to your sexuality that doesn't mean that label has to stay the same, people discover new things about themselves all the time so don't feel pressured to pick one and stick to it. I hope that helped a bit.
Thanks. It's just making me extremely anxious lately for some reason. I'd just become comfortable identifying as gay, but then I remembered that my 'first crush' was on a boy. That just doesn't make sense to me, and it's causing me to doubt myself.
People are going to say that labels aren't really necessary, and to a certain extent, they're correct. But many people (myself included) use labels to describe their sexuality in a nutshell. Labels also help people come to terms with sexuality as it offers a sense of belonging, like you are able to be sorted into some societal category. Sorry that seemed a little off-topic, but my point is that if you feel comfortable identifying as gay based on your current attractions, go for it. Yes, you liked this boy in the past, but you don't like him now. It sounds to me that you like girls. If the definition of "gay" or "lesbian" conveys to yourself and/or others who you are attracted to now, you shouldn't let your past influence how you identify today. I can relate to this, too; in fourth grade, I had a crush on a guy--it wasn't overwhelming or all-consuming or anything, I just thought he was cute and funny and, well, as aesthetically attractive as a fourth grader can find another fourth grader. But when I got to high school, I had several crushes on girls, and none on guys, and in retrospect I had many other crushes on girls before then. And these days I identify as a lesbian because it's more-or-less accurate, and it feels right; I don't identify as bi because that would imply that my attraction to guys is at least somewhat comparable to my attraction to girls, which it is not. Anyways, don't stress too much about possible suppressed heterosexuality; if it's there, it's there. I used to worry all the time that I was subconsciously rejecting an attraction to guys because the label "gay" offers a level of certainty that "bi" never could for me. But I stopped worrying about it for a while, I stopped over-analyzing every single person on the street ("Is he attractive? Is she attractive?") and eventually it became obvious to me that "bi" would be an uncomfortable stretch. Also, have you heard of the Kinsey scale? It's a 0-6 scale that grades sexuality, 0 being completely straight and 6 being completely gay. There's sort of a theory that few people are strictly 0's or 6's; many people who identify as straight or gay are 1's and 5's, or "incidentally homosexual" and "incidentally heterosexual" respectively. I've always hated writing conclusion paragraphs, so there you go. I hope this helps you in some way. PS. I could've written the entire first paragraph of your original post; it's basically my life story.
I have a somewhat similar past. I'm far more into women, but I've had a few male crushes along the way. I once even had a HUGE infatuation with a guy, but when it came to sex, it was always something I completely avoided (I was 21 at the time). At the same time, I can be aroused by the idea of straight sex. It's all pretty confusing, but I've found that when it comes to men, I have a disconnect between emotions and sex. It's missing the "psychosexual" component for me. I don't see myself ever being with a guy again, but I also can't 100% rule it out I guess. Anyway, I identify as a Kinsey 5, 95% gay, or "homoflexible". You sound a bit more settled in your preferences than I am - if you haven't been attracted to a guy since you were 12, I think it's safe to say you're gay. Then again, you don't have to label yourself one way or another. It's okay to say "I think I'm gay but I'm not 100% certain", or whatever else fits.
Some people are late bloomers, and there can be all sorts of reasons for this. Personally, I had crushes on boys when I was younger, which in hindsight were far more about idolizing them and fitting in than anything else. I didn't realise I was into women until I was 17 and then spent several years joined at the hip to denial. Yet, having worked through all that and embraced who I am, I now have zero doubts that I am gay and probably always was. So yeah, my point is I wouldn't let your youth impact on how you identify too much. It's about the present. You'll find your answer in who your heart and mind draws you to.
