Am i unable to recognize my own gayness, or is this whole thing from depression and anxiety. I hung out with a girl alone the other night. We've known each other all through high school and have been friends. Though, I think she thinks of me as more than a friend. I didn't want to hang out, but I made myself because i figured it would be better to work through fear than be isolated in my room. I think it would be cool to have sex with her, but I'm not really sure. I want it on some level, but i feel so alienated from everyone around me that any desire is thwarted. I'm scared of being myself around people, I'm too concerned with how i appear. (I masturbate to straight porn/thoughts, but recently, I've been having trouble getting any erections all together, thinking of guys does no good.) We were alone and i felt that she wanted to kiss, but I couldn't find any drive to make a move. I didn't really feel like kissing her, this made me depressed. i was so anxious the whole time that i couldn't truly be present. she texted me the night after saying that she had a great time with me, and i replied likewise. she is a great, attractive girl who is a lot of fun, I'm just so inside of my mind that I can't find the desire to reach out to her. its been 5 days since she sent me that text and i haven't messaged her, even as a friend!! she gave me lemons from her trip to florida. i think she was hoping it would be an excuse for me to text her again. i still haven't. every day i told myself i would message her, but every day i fail to do so. And deciding whether or not to text her is on my mind literally every waking moment. No lie, it even keeps me up. i haven't fallen asleep before 330 am for 5 days because I'm worrying that ill lose the chance for ANY sort of relationship with this girl. It is especially troubling because in 4 days, she is leaving to study abroad for 5 months. she is going to think that i want nothing to do with her. the truth is, I really value her as a person, but I'm too depressed/anxious and sexually unsure that I'm scared to hang out with her. Does anyone have an idea of how i can better my situation? I don't want her to lose touch with her. I feel like I'm abandoning a friendship and possibly more. I just wish i could be my happy/funny self around her, and everyone else i know, instead of the self conscious dark cloud that I've been for 2 years.
Hi! You just might be stressed, I know someone who was in the same situation ( he didn't really know how to act around girls ), so he kept going out with the one he loves, and at some point he wasn't stressed any more and now they are together Keep spending time together and you will see! :icon_wink Hope it helped! :icon_bigg Book addict
Thanks, Book addict. I'm definitely stressed. But I'm also worried that its just going to be awkward and I won't be able to be myself. I'll be thinking about other things the whole time, like figuring out my sexuality or wondering if she wants more. truth is, I'm too depressed to be in a relationship, but the catch is that I need one. Do you think having a possibly awkward time together alone is better than not texting her at all before she leaves?
Hey! First of all, if you want to be yourself I think you definitely need to spend more time with her. For instance, at first, when I meet someone, I would always be stressed/shy. But when I start to know more and more the person, I will be feeling comfortable with her/him, and start to be myself. (However I won't tell her/him about my sexuality, this is the only thing I don't tell people in real life, but I act as I would to with people I know, you know what I mean?) Second of all, when you will start being YOURSELF with her, it will be easier to resolve your sexuality. (I don't really know it since I'm not out or even speaking about it, but that's what I heard from a lot of people). Indeed, if you are yourself, you might share your thoughts. Also, I want to tell you that sharing your thoughts with someone makes it easier to get over with "depression", "anxiety:.... In my case, sometimes I'm a bit depressed/anxious too and I would "die" to share my thoughts (Thanks god EC is here) with someone, but I didn't find the one(s) in real life whom I would speak to about my sexuality. Moreover, I didn't really get your question. However, I need to tell you that texting and what you do with her is really different. For example (again my stories, sorry), I had a girlfriend, we texted every night and we would tell each other that we loved each other. HOWEVER we broke up 'cause it was more a friendship (It's weird when you know we had stayed together for 7 months :dry: ). Also, we didn't do nothing besides kissing (very quick and not a lot)... So sometimes but not every time, texting and real life are really different things. As I said to you try to be yourself by spending more time with her! And you will see what happens. As someone on EC told me a few days ago, it's better to be yourself with the one you care about because you will feel sad if you are with someone you are not really comfortable with, in other words it will "block" your real self (It was not said exactly like that, but same meaning! :icon_wink ) I hoped I helped! Feel free to ask me questions, whatever is going through you mind, I might be able to help you! Book addict :icon_bigg
Yes, thanks for the advice! My worries about this all revolve around being intimate with her. the problem is, I'm not sure i want it. this scares me a lot because i can see myself as being totally compatible with her, i just don't have the drive to pursue anything. Im not even sure this is a sexuality problem anymore. I'm deathly afraid of becoming intimate with anyone. Not just sexually, but conversationally as well. I play it up in my mind way too much. I wish i could just know for sure that i wanted to kiss her, instead of letting my uncertainty and anxiety drive the bus. part of me says i don't want to kiss her because I'm gay. But part of me says that I'm not gay, I'm just extremely depressed and have a tendency to overthink things like this, which make it impossible for me to have a good time and relax. ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2016 at 04:26 PM ---------- and if i see her i know ill be thinking of whether or not I'm supposed to kiss her. that will get into my head and F*** with me. i feel like I'm obligated to make a move, and if i don't, she will not be in my life in any form, which i do want to at least keep in touch.
Hey! I think like what I said before, you need to see her more in order to feel more comfortable around her. Then I think those questions will go away little by little because you won't think about it anymore. It might get time but at some point you will be able to be yourself with her and it will definitely be a start. Also, in your first message, you said you have been friends for some time now, so I think you don't need to worry about whether or not you won't be friends any more because I think you will stay friends even if nothing happens between you two. I think you really need to try and take the opportunity! Sorry I don't have more time to write I have to go to school now, but tonight I will try to connect on EC in order to see if you posted or you have questions! Book addict
Okay my teacher is absent so I can finish what I was saying! :icon_wink So I wanted to add that you said you were compatible but you had not the drive to pursue, I really think when you are gonna be yourself with her, it will be easier! Be yourself! I know it is difficult but with time it will get better, and if you really want to be with her, do it! Don't think! If you really want something you will manage to do it! I don't know you but you seem like a very nice guy! I think she will definitely like you! In addition, she said to you by text that she had a great time! It might be a good sign! Feel free to ask me questions again! Book addict
thanks again for responding. I really appreciate bouncing thoughts around with you. I just have a ton on my mind. a small part of me is screaming to hang out with her. but i don't want it to end up like it did last time. i was a wreck. its not just with this girl, it happens around all people. i get panic attacks if i ever go out with friends, so i don't go out much anymore. since my days are pretty grim, that is the baseline of my feelings when i hang out with others. especially if I'm nervous. my anxiety causes me to not be able to listen to what others say, and it makes me talk fast or not talk at all. this is the last night that i can hang with her before she leaves for 5 months, so I'm either going to do it, or not. haven't decided yet... which isn't good. and i haven't texted her in a week since she texted me. Oh and when i said friend, i meant more of an acquaintance. we don't ever talk regularly and i just see her once a year during the summer because we both coach. I can't stop worrying if she wants a relationship. Im not sure i want one. I feel that if we hang tonight, I'm going to freeze up and not be able to explain myself. what do i say if all of a sudden i can't respond to her because I'm panicking and my brain stops? i could explain that i have anxiety, but every time i tell someone that, it gets awkward for me and i don't feel any better. i think i just have a problem with communicating my emotions to other people. Im just deathly scared of hanging with her and i don't want it to be apparent. at this point i feel that obligation is driving my urge to hang with her more than anything else. which is sad because i don't want to hang with anyone i know. deep down i know there is a part of me that wants friends and relationships, but that part of me doesn't really exist anymore, or i can't connect with it whatsoever. ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 04:17 PM ---------- also, if i tell her i want to hangout one last time, alone, before she leaves, that's basically like saying I'm interested in you(which I don't know that i am). I just don't want to falsely lead her on.
Hey! No problem, it's my pleasure! First of all I think you should totally go! The more you go around people, the better it will get! (That's what I really think). Also, asking for hanging out doesn't always mean that "I'm interested in you" like you said. You can definitely hang out as friends! :icon_wink Moreover, if it's the last time you will see her for a while, you definitely need to go. Why? Even if it doesn't work out between you two (Relationship speaking) it can only be a "bonus". Indeed, you can become friends since you told me that it was more an acquaintance for the moment. Or again, even for your relation between people it is a bonus, because you can only get better around people! Sorry I need to go to school. :eusa_doh: I'll try to connect tonight! See you! Lots of hugs! Book addict
So I texted her last night to hang out, and she got back to me today and asked if i was free today or tomorrow. she leaves monday. only problem is i only slept 2 hours last night before i got up at 7 for tai chi practice. i was super anxious about hanging with her, and thinking about school. i still haven't slept... so i might suggest we hang tomorrow. Im still really nervous to hang with her though. do i make myself go for a kiss? i don't really want to because I'm so depressed. will i be able to keep on a good face the whole time? I can't stop worrying about it
Hey! Happy to hear from you again! Well, first of all, YOU texted her so it is a start!! Congratulations!!!! Second of all, you will have to see if whether or not you want to kiss her. It will be your/her(both of you) move. Moreover, maybe be yourself and without knowing it you will relax! YOU texted her!! You should be so proud of you, it is a great start!!! I'll be home all day so I'll check regularly in order to see if you posted! If we don't talk to each other before you see her, BEST OF LUCK LOTS OF HUGS Book addict
